TheAyeshaSite

“Ayesha you’re so bougee.” I really like the accent she has.

I let out my hurt feelings and I cried yesterday. My voices were really bad. I said prayers for the first time in a long time. I have a book with some prayers in it by Max Lucado. I didn’t know it but God has been walking with me all this time. Even when things get difficult sometimes I’m always aware of God being just a prayer away. I see all the people reaching out to me and I like it. Things are going well. I had a rough night the night before but I slept well and this morning I woke up early and I took a shower.

When I wake up in the morning I say “thank you God.” Before I go to bed at night I say “thank you God”. I sometimes have difficulty sleeping but most nights I’m able to get sleep. The more I sleep the more I heal. I had such trouble sleeping in my teens and 20s that now that I’m in my 30s I know I need to make sure I get a good night’s sleep on most nights of the week. Sleep is essential for my mental health. I have to get to bed by 11 pm and get seven or eight hours of sleep.  I can’t function without my sleep I’ll snap. Sleep is my biggest trigger.

I wake up at 5 am and go back to sleep until 8 am. I realize I need my sleep. I snooze until 8 am or so. I go to bed by 1 am. I can function the next day once I get five hours of sleep.

Trying to be something you’re not takes a lot of effort.  When you know you are being true to yourself and doing your thing you smile through tears and those are the times when you surprise yourself thinking back to times when it was harder for you to smile but you think I’m here now!

Not a day goes by that I don’t have several migrane headaches. It’s hard. I can’t always focus because my headaches are so bad and my ears hurt.

I wish myself happiness and a lot of smiles today. I plan to go to get a manicure and pedicure at 10 am later this morning. I am going to really treat myself to a manicure and a pedicure. I’m going with my mom and we’re going to enjoy ourselves. I will spend today writing down my writing goals for May 2019.

I weighed in today at 245 lbs. I can lose weight. My highest weight was 276 lbs. I lost 31 pounds. My lowest weight was 235 lbs on the doctor’s scale. I weigh myself on a digital Weight Watchers scale.

I know I don’t like to be compared to anyone else. I like to be myself and just kind of do the things I do. I feel like as women we get compared to each other a lot. I know I feel uncomfortable being compared to other women younger than I am. When I am compared to a woman my age I will most often welcome the comparison because the woman is my age. I am going to be 38 years old in six days on January 28, 2019. I am looking forward to going out and getting a manicure and a pedicure on my 38th birthday. Younger women have a lot to learn but need to be given the space and the time to learn it. I have things to learn too but I’m open to learning from older women who have things to teach me. There is a lot to be said here. I enjoy cooking and I am going to experiment in the kitchen at home with a variety of recipes to share with my family.

I have yet to find a nice guy that wants to be a father.  I have taken a few breaks with a one or two nice guys but I don’t think any of the guys want to become fathers. I love men but I need to be sexually attracted to a man before I’d agree to a relationship. I have to like the man. If I don’t like the man’s picture then I don’t have a relationship with the man. I have to want to sleep with the guy (do you know what I mean?). If he’s all cute and handsome and we have Chemistry and he wants kids we can go on dates but he has to want me and the baby.