I am for relationships in my future.

I want to be able to form and keep friendships I was able to form over the years with friends I have at NAMI Mercer NJ who also struggle with their difficult mental illness. I have been working since January 2016. I am back to work this September 2019. I will be working this semester. I also plan to retest for the Praxis Core Reading test next January 2020. Early in January I plan to retest and take the core reading test for the second time. I may try a third time to see if I pass. I may be able to pass this second time. I’m studying the Barron’s Praxis Core Exams and I will be studying it for the rest of this year. Early January 2020 is retest.

I discovered Alicia Keys in a music therapy group when I was at St. Francis Medical Center on the Psychiatric unit in Trenton, New Jersey back in the 2000s.

I really like Alicia Keys. I am around her age. I’m 38. I love singer/songwriters. I feel like they are cool for singing and especially if they are like Alicia and have fifteen Grammy awards and write their own songs. I like her music. I love how she plays the piano. She is so cool and she seems to be down to earth. I like how in one of her music videos she has on a nice outfit playing the piano. She has a Yamaha piano too. To be a pianist is something very cool and to write your own songs. I just like and admire Alicia Keys so much.

I had a health scare.

I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and I was having anxiety too. I have been up since 7 am. I am going to be working on my writing. I am taking a course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through my course. I need to work on my assignments and make them better. I will be in the library from 10 am to noon. Then I’m just going to chill until 12:30 pm a friend is picking me up and we’re going bowling and getting pizza.

I am so happy I am working at my alma mater as a Mentor.

I am happy to be able to help my Mentees. Some of them are African American and I work at Mercer. I try to be helpful to all of my Mentees. Some of them are Caucasian and others are Hispanic. They are all very nice and I have been able to connect with almost all of them. Sometimes when I meet a new Mentee at the beginning of the semester I introduce myself to them to familiarize myself with their names as well.

I sometimes fear losing my mother.

Losing my mom is a fear I had since my childhood. I lost many of my loved ones but I have a large extended family on my mom’s side with a few supportive cousins. I had a relationship I really liked with a man who paid whenever we went out. I always remember him say to me “I’ve got the bill don’t worry about it”. I dated the guy for a little over a year. We have a photo together because he came to support me at my college graduation back in May 2015. I have been journaling a lot and working on a memoir that is basically from the onset of my mental illness through my 30s. I’ll be 39 in January 2020. My mom had a surgery in 2009 and she was in the hospital twice. I love my mom and I want her to know I appreciate her.

I am changing the way I eat.

I decided to become a pescatarian. I followed a diet of fish and seafood for few months. I lost 40 pounds. I feel stressed out. I slept last night but the night before I found it hard to sleep. I was up all night into the next day yesterday. I fell on my face and busted above my mouth open and I hurt myself.  I have had a few falls. I fell one night coming home from school. It was so late when I got home that I could hardly see it was so dark outside. I need time to finish up my course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through the course.

I am more aware that I need to power down the internet by 11 pm.

I’m always on the internet. My chiropractor calls me Internet Ayesha. I had a health scare. I’m taking a medicine for my heart and I was told I had fluid in my lungs. I smoked for over twenty years. I have been smoke free for five years now after my caring psychiatrist prescribed Chantix for me. I don’t know if anyone has ever seen those Chantix commercials. The turkey and the water hose is such a funny thing about those commercials. I am never going back to my past addictions. I refuse to socialize with smokers. I want to live a long life. I even lost over forty pounds on my own. I will never smoke again. I was so scared when I was in the hospital. Now I read books, I blog, and I write in my journals. Journaling and blogging have been helpful for me to feel a part of a community of bloggers and writers. I also had a few essays and poems published in mental health peer journals that just give publication opportunities to writers who have mental illnesses. I am hoping to be able to publish my memoir in a few years. Bloggers that have mental illness have something in common with me. I have been living with a mental illness for over twenty four years. My illness is so hard. Regardless of my illness I feel so cool to be nominated by Stuart and also by Michelle. I thought wow Paris, France is where Michelle is blogging from. Here I am blogging in New Jersey.

I feel sometimes certain things motivate certain people to do things they do for good or ill.

I don’t know the reason but sometimes people have the wrong motives for things they may do. I am uncertain what motivates people to do the things they do. I feel like I have pure motives when I do things I don’t feel like I have a motivation to do things I do. I may just want to do certain things. I feel like I understand opinions differ and I am always careful to be clear about my motives.

I heard someone I knew that I took a Cave Canem poetry workshop say “Ayesha was popular at Cave Canem in the fall 2015 poetry workshop she took there”.

I felt supported. I felt like I was being given helpful information. I felt like Simone White’s fall 2015 poetry workshop was awesome. I felt like it was one of the nicest experiences I’d had. I also am relishing this time of being nominated for four blogging awards. I feel like things are really going well for me. I am also working on finishing a course in how to write for children and teenagers. I am halfway through this course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I know I am going to have my author contract signed and I plan on being able to publish my first children’s books in the next two years.

I am a girl. I am a girly girl.

I love pink. I love to wear my hair in two French braids. I love the color pink. I recently got someone to paint my room light pink. I feel feminine. I love perfume. I love sweet smelling body wash. I have good hygiene too. Some days I force myself out of bed because I have to take care of myself daily and I do most days of the week. Certain days I chill at home. I am trying to balance work and play but I read everyday. I am always checking for books on amazon.com or in blurbs in  magazines to see what new books are out there waiting to be discovered by me to read. I also read a lot of poetry.

I read Jean Toomer’s Cane and Claudia Rankine’s Citizen as a part of the poetry workshop I was a part of.

I read two poetry books in the fall of 2015 as an assignment I had  for the poetry workshop I took at Cave Canem. I found myself enjoying Jean Toomer’s Cane even when I know the reaction is different from people. I found myself just loving Jean’s writing but there were criticisms. I realize no author escapes criticism. Sometimes the critical voices in my head can be difficult for me to silence. I feel better about myself than I ever have in my life and I don’t want to let the feeling of liking myself the way I am go. It’s so hard to hear mean critical voices. I remind myself (people compliment me too). I have to remind myself “Esha you are nice too”. The hardest part of life for me is hearing mean cruel voices. I could not explain it without my ears hurting me and I even get anxious. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder back in 2012.