I am for relationships in my future.

I want to be able to form and keep friendships I was able to form over the years with friends I have at NAMI Mercer NJ who also struggle with their difficult mental illness. I have been working since January 2016. I am back to work this September 2019. I will be working this semester. I also plan to retest for the Praxis Core Reading test next January 2020. Early in January I plan to retest and take the core reading test for the second time. I may try a third time to see if I pass. I may be able to pass this second time. I’m studying the Barron’s Praxis Core Exams and I will be studying it for the rest of this year. Early January 2020 is retest.

I discovered Alicia Keys in a music therapy group when I was at St. Francis Medical Center on the Psychiatric unit in Trenton, New Jersey back in the 2000s.

I really like Alicia Keys. I am around her age. I’m 38. I love singer/songwriters. I feel like they are cool for singing and especially if they are like Alicia and have fifteen Grammy awards and write their own songs. I like her music. I love how she plays the piano. She is so cool and she seems to be down to earth. I like how in one of her music videos she has on a nice outfit playing the piano. She has a Yamaha piano too. To be a pianist is something very cool and to write your own songs. I just like and admire Alicia Keys so much.

I had a health scare.

I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and I was having anxiety too. I have been up since 7 am. I am going to be working on my writing. I am taking a course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through my course. I need to work on my assignments and make them better. I will be in the library from 10 am to noon. Then I’m just going to chill until 12:30 pm a friend is picking me up and we’re going bowling and getting pizza.

I am so happy I am working at my alma mater as a Mentor.

I am happy to be able to help my Mentees. Some of them are African American and I work at Mercer. I try to be helpful to all of my Mentees. Some of them are Caucasian and others are Hispanic. They are all very nice and I have been able to connect with almost all of them. Sometimes when I meet a new Mentee at the beginning of the semester I introduce myself to them to familiarize myself with their names as well.

I will appreciate my blessings.

I am eating healthier trying to live longer. My illness is hard for me. I like myself despite my difficulties. I appreciate what I have. I try not to covet my neighbor’s things. I realize everyone has problems. Things may appear one way but I was healed by God one day. I know I have come a long way. I can see God’s hand when I look over my life. He is so good. I can’t change the past. I live in the present because I only have the time I have left. Health is important. I try to make healthy choices if and when I can. I like myself. I am not conceited don’t get me wrong but I am so comfortable in the skin I am in remembering hard experiences that were hard for me as a child. I know no one can take my soul away from me. Writing is something I really love.

I am trying to appreciate my family and friends more. I think of God. I think of Him healing me. My life is not perfect but my life doesn’t necessarily have to be perfect for me to appreciate it. I have been publishing poems in a publication at NAMI the organization I have volunteered for over ten years now. I got really comfortable with myself as I am. Bruno Mars a new recording artist has this song Just The Way You Are. I love it “when I see your face there’s not a thing I would change ’cause girl you’re amazing just the way you are…” I have always been the girl who was nice but not enough to get the man I like or the job I apply for but I really genuinely like myself.

I try not to judge myself or compare myself to other people.

I am celebrating my life older. I didn’t know I would have cool experiences older. I am forty now. I look forward to the rest of my life. I appreciate my family and friends. I try to take the focus off of me. Sometimes I need a few down days. I will trust God and try to stay on course. I am glad to say I am comfortable in my own skin. I embrace being who I am and not someone else’s idea of who I am. I believe God put me on earth for a reason. I feel like my life has a purpose. I am able to make a difference where I am. I am learning how to drive. I hope I can get a pre-owned car by December of this year. I am going on a driving lesson today.

Sunday a day to reflect.

I am forty now. I have come a long way from where I started from. I don’t judge myself. I try not to judge others. I pray. I seek God more. Sometimes in the mornings I pray to God when I first wake up. God’s presence in my life made all the difference. I appreciate the prayers that were prayed on my behalf. I pray for myself too. I know God is in this battle for my sanity with me. I am thankful that God cared enough about me. God chose to heal me. I appreciate God. I appreciate people in my life that offer help to me. I know there are going to be times when my mom needs me and my stepfather may need me too. My parents are getting older. I try to help my mom a lot more. My mom is in her early 60s and my stepfather is in his late 60s. My parents and grandparents made sacrifices for me to benefit from. I appreciate my mother and my stepfather. I feel like I should help out more. I do laundry and from time to time I cook. I try to help my mom with bringing the groceries inside the house into the kitchen. My mom is my primary caregiver but she gets burnt out sometimes and we stay inside and I do laundry. I love my mom enough to do laundry without a need to ask for anything. I help my parents out no questions asked. Once in a while I cook for us.

Sometimes it is good to stay in a situation rather than it is to try to run away from a situation.

I try to face challenges and difficulties in my life and not pretend they don’t exist. I had certain challenges in my life but it never stopped me from genuinely liking myself older feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I am just as nice the way I am. I am just as good as any other person. The enemy attacks me. I had been bullied by kids in school as a child. I used to get dissed a lot. I was teased a lot about my color. In my family family dynamics had always been stressful but I care about my mom and my family. I am thankful my mom always did nice things for me from time to time. My mom has her own life. I carved out my own little niche for myself. I wouldn’t want to do what my mom did. I like my role as a writer. I had to be true to my own choices and my own interests. I got advice to follow my dreams not have anyone tell me what to study or what path to choose.

I am in a silver or crystal phase.

I prefer wearing silver to wearing yellow gold. I like silver jewelry. I am in a minimalist mindset. I try to spend less. I try to only go to department stores when they are having sales. I like white gold too. I take care of myself. I try to take life each day as it comes. I know I can trust God. I have supporters but they are few. Sometimes my supporters get burnt out. I am stepping up to the plate more. I try to help my mom. I volunteer to cook a dinner for us all once in a while. I also try to think of my mom and stepfather as they are getting older. I want my mom to feel appreciated by me her daughter and only child. I always liked my mom. We have a good relationship. I try to always think of others. I try to be generous and think of other people before I think of myself now that I am older.

I try not to compare myself to other people. I don’t think the comparison works as well if I were to compare myself to people who look nothing like me. Being the first person like me to get four blogger award nominations was a really cool experience to have. However, if I were to compare myself to someone I don’t look like or someone who isn’t similar to me, I am sure it wouldn’t work because the person doesn’t look like me. I try not to compare myself to other people. As a forty-year-old woman I see wisdom in not comparing myself to people who don’t look like me.

I see wisdom and maturity in not comparing myself to others. I had some hard experiences but I have had some good experiences too. I am not giving up on my goal I set to get my license. If I get a few more driving lessons I will try again to pass my road test. I can do it! I’ll try again!

Sometimes it is good to go through the process instead of looking at when you will reach the end. I try to be more in the present, and more in the moment as I get older. I need to think about my parents and my grandparents too. My parents made sacrifices for me, and I try to honor, and appreciate my parents. I think of people who are in my life that make my life better. I try to appreciate the people in my life who enrich my life. I don’t want to take things for granted. I pray every morning thanking God for a good night’s sleep and the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. I know God is with me in these difficulties. I praise God for being for me and working in my life. Faith in God will cause me to be victor and not a victim.

Even though I have had my share of haters it never stopped me from liking myself and seeing myself as just as good as any other person. I made a decision that I was going to embrace what makes me unique. I am celebrating my life but I still have days I push myself to get through the day. I made peace with my illness. I have the illness but I thank God every day my illness doesn’t have me. I really enjoyed quality of life over the years from my involvement with NAMI as a volunteer and a consumer.