I am for relationships in my future.

I want to be able to form and keep friendships I was able to form over the years with friends I have at NAMI Mercer NJ who also struggle with their difficult mental illness. I have been working since January 2016. I am back to work this September 2019. I will be working this semester. I also plan to retest for the Praxis Core Reading test next January 2020. Early in January I plan to retest and take the core reading test for the second time. I may try a third time to see if I pass. I may be able to pass this second time. I’m studying the Barron’s Praxis Core Exams and I will be studying it for the rest of this year. Early January 2020 is retest.

I discovered Alicia Keys in a music therapy group when I was at St. Francis Medical Center on the Psychiatric unit in Trenton, New Jersey back in the 2000s.

I really like Alicia Keys. I am around her age. I’m 38. I love singer/songwriters. I feel like they are cool for singing and especially if they are like Alicia and have fifteen Grammy awards and write their own songs. I like her music. I love how she plays the piano. She is so cool and she seems to be down to earth. I like how in one of her music videos she has on a nice outfit playing the piano. She has a Yamaha piano too. To be a pianist is something very cool and to write your own songs. I just like and admire Alicia Keys so much.

I had a health scare.

I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and I was having anxiety too. I have been up since 7 am. I am going to be working on my writing. I am taking a course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through my course. I need to work on my assignments and make them better. I will be in the library from 10 am to noon. Then I’m just going to chill until 12:30 pm a friend is picking me up and we’re going bowling and getting pizza.

I am so happy I am working at my alma mater as a Mentor.

I am happy to be able to help my Mentees. Some of them are African American and I work at Mercer. I try to be helpful to all of my Mentees. Some of them are Caucasian and others are Hispanic. They are all very nice and I have been able to connect with almost all of them. Sometimes when I meet a new Mentee at the beginning of the semester I introduce myself to them to familiarize myself with their names as well.

I know now that I am older that I can do things too. I experienced trauma early on in life. I had successes older but I had a really early onset of mental illness. I pray to God and I believe in God. I feel God’s presence and it makes me thank God for interconnectedness and the ability to connect with other people. I am trying to be honest with myself too. I know God is the person I thank for my successes in my life older. I don’t look at anyone else’s now that I have a little shine of my own.

I don’t have a perfect life but I appreciate my life. You don’t have to have a perfect life to want your own life. People should gain an appreciation for their own lives and the reasons I don’t have to look back at way back when is because I had successes older. I recently turned forty but I thank God every day for my life.

I have always been a positive person. I pray more now. I thank God for salvation. God chose to heal me. God is the great healer.

God is the one I will always praise for saving this nerve wracked soul of mine. I had hard experiences but I had good experiences too. I had successes older. I thank God that I am healed. I will always believe in God. God is good. His ways are higher. His ways are better.

I looked in the mirror today and saw myself smile at my reflection.

I feel overcome with gratitude to God for healing me. As a little girl I didn’t always understand and I asked questions a lot. I was an inquisitive child too. Now that I can see myself as attractive I can say I feel good now that I am older and feel better about myself. I felt like an alien a lot as a little girl who just always felt picked on or left out but not anymore. I have always felt people had other reasons for not liking me but I am not sweatin’ it. My 30s were pretty good and life gets better the more you start to embrace yourself. I know as a forty year old that although I have formed quite a few friendships I don’t need to focus on gaining popularity I can celebrate myself being infamous and becoming a writer.

I started to pray. I believe in God. I know for myself that there is power in positive thinking. I stay away from negative people. I choose to let the past go. I am still going to live my life. I am going to enjoy the time I have left here on earth. No one is promised tomorrow myself included. I recently turned forty and it feels good to be older. I had a thought “wow I am forty now.” I feel like I can kind of say “I am doing pretty well”. I feel better now that I am older because of WordPress.

I recently celebrated my 40th birthday.

I got a huge white sheet cake with chocolate buttercream frosting and in pink icing it said Happy birthday Ayesha. I ordered my cake from Costco Wholesale bakery. I gave most of my birthday cake away but I hade a piece or two. I lost forty pounds on my own and I decided to give away most of my birthday cake. Turning forty and being in a good place is a miracle for me. I know God has been there for me. I pray most mornings when I wake up. I get up really early too. I have my phone set to alarm at 6 am. I am getting my sleep and refuse to stay up past 10 pm. I need my sleep. I turn in most nights by 11 pm. I know if I am really tired I need to stay up but I turn in earlier now. I know sleep problems trouble me once in a while so I make an effort to get my zzz’s.

I have had my share of difficult experiences in life. I thank God for supernatural healing but now that I am healed I started to pray to God. In my life since I was a little girl I had hard experiences no matter what I did. I was this hurt little black girl. I could barely go to school without getting bullied and talked about. I know God is on my side. I want my independence more than I can say. I am trying to get my license by the middle of February 2021. I pray to God I can just pass my road test.

I see myself as a capable and competent person.

I have learned that your choices make your life. Any choices I made after I was legally eighteen years old I stand by. All of my decisions were my own to make. I am trying to finish my course in writing for children and give my course all of my attention. I am also taking the road test for a second time. I will pass. I need to encourage and reassure myself that I can do it. I won’t give up and I will try to pass my road test the second time around. I want to get my first preowned vehicle in my name too. I want the independence of my own vehicle. I am a big tall lady. I am 5’9 or 5’10. I like being tall. I lost almost fifty pounds when I went vegetarian. I did it all on my own. I am watching my waist line. I am really trying to lose like thirty or forty more pounds and make sure to eat my salads and fruits and vegetables. I drink diet soda and unsweetened tea.

I am good to myself on purpose.

Many of my successes happened older. I try to be good to myself and not beat myself up if I am critiqued by others. When I think of how hard my mental illness has been for me I feel sad. I have things I do that are cool though. I always treat myself to a relaxing calming warm shower every morning when I wake up. I pray also. I have been praying and seeking God first thing in the morning when I wake up. I believe that God is for me. I know because I had a supernatural peace wash over me one day in my early 30s. I will be turning forty in two weeks and I look forward to my 40th birthday. It will be a milestone birthday for me. I’ll be the big 4-0!

I believe in God. I am having quite a bit of cool successes older. I thank the Lord for these experiences I have had in my 30s. I applied to a few Master’s degree programs. I shared a spooky Halloween story with a small audience. It felt cool that everyone seemed to like the story I call the story “black kitten”. It was so cool to have shared a short 100-word memoir with a small audience. I have been to a few open mics. I just love poetry.