I am for relationships in my future.

I want to be able to form and keep friendships I was able to form over the years with friends I have at NAMI Mercer NJ who also struggle with their difficult mental illness. I have been working since January 2016. I am back to work this September 2019. I will be working this semester. I also plan to retest for the Praxis Core Reading test next January 2020. Early in January I plan to retest and take the core reading test for the second time. I may try a third time to see if I pass. I may be able to pass this second time. I’m studying the Barron’s Praxis Core Exams and I will be studying it for the rest of this year. Early January 2020 is retest.

I discovered Alicia Keys in a music therapy group when I was at St. Francis Medical Center on the Psychiatric unit in Trenton, New Jersey back in the 2000s.

I really like Alicia Keys. I am around her age. I’m 38. I love singer/songwriters. I feel like they are cool for singing and especially if they are like Alicia and have fifteen Grammy awards and write their own songs. I like her music. I love how she plays the piano. She is so cool and she seems to be down to earth. I like how in one of her music videos she has on a nice outfit playing the piano. She has a Yamaha piano too. To be a pianist is something very cool and to write your own songs. I just like and admire Alicia Keys so much.

I had a health scare.

I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and I was having anxiety too. I have been up since 7 am. I am going to be working on my writing. I am taking a course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through my course. I need to work on my assignments and make them better. I will be in the library from 10 am to noon. Then I’m just going to chill until 12:30 pm a friend is picking me up and we’re going bowling and getting pizza.

I am so happy I am working at my alma mater as a Mentor.

I am happy to be able to help my Mentees. Some of them are African American and I work at Mercer. I try to be helpful to all of my Mentees. Some of them are Caucasian and others are Hispanic. They are all very nice and I have been able to connect with almost all of them. Sometimes when I meet a new Mentee at the beginning of the semester I introduce myself to them to familiarize myself with their names as well.

I went out on my second driving lesson this morning. I did 100% better this time my driving instructor told me. I was really driving well and I felt excited to be behind the wheel that I was able to drive in the driver’s seat. I liked the guy that was teaching me how to drive. I try not to judge myself. I can learn how to drive and be older. I say to myself “Esha you’ll be fine don’t judge yourself because you’re thirty nine years old now.” The adult road is age twenty one years old and over.

The independence of driving and saving up for my own vehicle is something I am actually going to be able to do by early next year. I am excited. I also will try to get a road test package from the driving school I am using. I’ll get three or four more two hour lessons from the driving school and then go online to schedule a road test by early October 2020.

I am so excited that I am where I am now. I can take a breath and see that I am not alone. I want my life. I see my own unique name too as something that makes me feel special. I had some hard lessons to learn but I started to own up to my own behavior. I know the moment I sign my author contract I will feel happy. I never want to have anyone else tell me what I should or should not study. Since I was in my 20s I had been working toward the goal of becoming a writer. By early next year I will realize my dream of having my own YA romance book or autobiographical children’s book.

I am good to myself now that I am older. Many things that happened to me in the past I could not control. I feel productive when I am working. I work part time. I do volunteer work also. I try to not put too much on my plate. As long am I am working toward my goals I keep in mind not to add anything else to my list. I am waiting to hear from ETS to see if my accommodations request is granted. I will wait another month and then I’ll check my email for the decision ETS makes. God is good! I will always pray and thank God for His divine intervention in my life. None if this could be possible without Him. “God is the peace in the madness that I can’t explain”, but I thank Him so much for caring about me and for being God. I have never had good relationships with members of my family, but I chose to distance myself from certain relatives. I want to stay away from smokers. I have been smoke free for six years now, and I will continue to say no to drugs and cigarettes.

I had my first driving lesson early this morning for two hours from 9:30 am to 11:30 am.

I went on my first driving lesson. I have a grand in cash that I am keeping to purchase a preowned vehicle for myself to drive. I don’t want to go over ten grand for my first vehicle. I know once I get a few driving lessons under my belt I will be okay. I may need to purchase a few more driving lessons for myself. My mom agreed to help me pay for my driving lessons but I may try to see if I can budget for my driving lessons and be more responsible. The cost of a two hour driving lesson is $120. I think that is a little steep but that is okay. We get a two hour lesson for $120. I felt a little nervous and a bit tense but I did okay when I went out driving today. I feel like I can handle myself. The student driver vehicle was a Volkswagen. I really liked being behind the wheel of a car for the first time. I hope I can get a Honda HR-V or a cute little preowned Kia to get around. I like the Kia Soul and Kia Sorento models. I hope I can get a deal on a cute little Kia. I have a grand cash down payment I hope I can put down on a preowned vehicle in a few months. I may ask for a car for my birthday next January 2021.

Now that I am in a good place in my life I don’t judge myself for giving myself retail therapy or saying “I’m just as good as anyone else.”

I know God understands that this world we live in is chaotic. I feel blessed to be able to at least enjoy the life I have. I want to live and not die. I want to be able to write for children and teenagers. I worked as a mentor and I really enjoyed the work. I am going back to school and hope to pass the praxis core reading exam on the second try. I know I can do it this time. I am also doing adult coloring which I find therapeutic. God is the center of my life. I know I can trust God. You can’t always trust people. Some people betray you. I at least try to establish trust with family and friends. I am a good person.

I chose to see myself and my own life as good. Sometimes when I look for my worth and I can’t find it anywhere I consciously choose to tell myself “I am just as good as anyone else.” I know sometimes people may say or feel like they are better than I am, but I chose to say “that isn’t true” and I keep movin’. I don’t want to have issues with other people if I don’t have to. I stay in my own lane, and I try to live and enjoy my life. I am proud of who I am. I like the woman I have become. I feel comfortable just the way God created me. I know if I were to seek my worth in certain areas I just may not be able to find it there.

I believe in God. I try to be nice to other people. I am easy going. I know when God intends to bless me that I am blessed to be a blessing. I know God is with me. He is the peace in the midst of chaos in my life that I can’t explain but I am so thankful that God is there and I believe that God is there. I never want to die. I know God was there on a day I felt scared and wasn’t sure what to do. I had a supernatural peace wash over me several years ago. I made peace with an illness that was so difficult for me. I sleep better most nights and so I give God praise first and I thank God for supportive parents and the few supporters I have I try to think of them also.

I have a goal and my goal is to obtain my four year basic driver license in at least a year or so. I am going to be getting driving lessons starting this Friday. I am trying to focus on my driving lessons. I’ll arrange to call the DMV in a month to make an appointment to take the road test. I am getting my probationary license in three months

I am going to save some money and try to at least purchase my own preowned vehicle for me to drive and use but just for my use to get from point A to point B.

I know I have insight into my illness.

I have insight into my mental illness. That made the difference in my life. I think there are a lot of cool blogs on this website. For mental health bloggers I encourage them also to consider prayer and spirituality. I pray most mornings when I wake up. I pray also to seek God and I am sincere. I try to at least pull myself together but I have good days and bad days like anyone else. I believe in God. Spirituality and a miracle I had from God changed my whole life. I was in my early 30s at the time. I feel God’s presence with me now. I thank God for his peace, his loving kindness toward me. I know every good and perfect gift is from the Father. I see a man when I think of God but some say God is a woman. I believe in God and I pray to God too. God is with me so I fight this battle every day in hopes I will win if I don’t give up.

I have a little shine of my own.

Rarely do I talk about other people’s lives. My life is a good life. I will continue to appreciate my life. If I appreciate what I have and not ask for more but also get in touch with God as my source and not even my parents or my friends or my family I can choose to be good to myself and not judge myself either. I want to keep my self image healthy. I can’t and don’t want to get in a bad relationship that is not good for me. I always like to stay in touch with my friends and my family. Possibilities open up when you have friends. You always need to thank people who support you. I want to be appreciative of things others do for me that are kind or nice. I also try to keep reassuring myself that I am nice too. I feel good about myself even despite people not being as thrilled about me. The moment I chose myself my life changed. I had been bullied a lot as a child in school about my color and the way I looked but now that I am older I choose to accept myself as I am. I don’t want to change. I know God is in the details too. I had been feeling so sad and down one day in my early twenties and a peace washed over my soul and spirit. In that moment my whole life changed. I slept better for my 30s more than I ever have since I was a little girl. I know people who have a really difficult illness like mine can get better too. They just have to take steps but they can be treated.

I didn’t realize how fortunate I was until I thought of people who work most days of the week and have trouble making ends meet or affording things.

I am trying to do more with less but I will be doing a budget from month to month so that I can at least save for my first vehicle and get my first basic driver license. I don’t mind taking the train but with a car I will feel better being able to have the independence of a car or SUV and also budget for the vehicle of my choice. The first step is going to be arranging my first driving lesson and trying to keep my eyes on the road and getting my first vehicle. I saw a cute little SUV online that I want to get because I have to budget for a vehicle of my own.