I am for relationships in my future.

I want to be able to form and keep friendships I was able to form over the years with friends I have at NAMI Mercer NJ who also struggle with their difficult mental illness. I have been working since January 2016. I am back to work this September 2019. I will be working this semester. I also plan to retest for the Praxis Core Reading test next January 2020. Early in January I plan to retest and take the core reading test for the second time. I may try a third time to see if I pass. I may be able to pass this second time. I’m studying the Barron’s Praxis Core Exams and I will be studying it for the rest of this year. Early January 2020 is retest.

I discovered Alicia Keys in a music therapy group when I was at St. Francis Medical Center on the Psychiatric unit in Trenton, New Jersey back in the 2000s.

I really like Alicia Keys. I am around her age. I’m 38. I love singer/songwriters. I feel like they are cool for singing and especially if they are like Alicia and have fifteen Grammy awards and write their own songs. I like her music. I love how she plays the piano. She is so cool and she seems to be down to earth. I like how in one of her music videos she has on a nice outfit playing the piano. She has a Yamaha piano too. To be a pianist is something very cool and to write your own songs. I just like and admire Alicia Keys so much.

I had a health scare.

I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and I was having anxiety too. I have been up since 7 am. I am going to be working on my writing. I am taking a course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through my course. I need to work on my assignments and make them better. I will be in the library from 10 am to noon. Then I’m just going to chill until 12:30 pm a friend is picking me up and we’re going bowling and getting pizza.

I am so happy I am working at my alma mater as a Mentor.

I am happy to be able to help my Mentees. Some of them are African American and I work at Mercer. I try to be helpful to all of my Mentees. Some of them are Caucasian and others are Hispanic. They are all very nice and I have been able to connect with almost all of them. Sometimes when I meet a new Mentee at the beginning of the semester I introduce myself to them to familiarize myself with their names as well.

I appreciate my life. All of my progress in the past ten years led me to contemplate the good parts of my life as a whole. I know I am just as good as anybody else. I treat myself from time to time. I think of my mother and of my grandmother. I try to show my mom that I love her with a mother’s day gift and a nice gift for her birthday which is also in May. I get my mother a nice Christmas gift every holiday season. I try to give a nice gift to my stepfather for his birthday, and for father’s day, and a nice Christmas gift. I think of my grandma too. I make sure she has a nice birthday gift, and a nice gift for Christmas every year. I will appreciate my family members as they are getting older. I try to help my mom too. I always volunteer to do laundry for my parents and my grandma.

I try to not focus on me, me, me more as I age and I think of my grandparents and my aging mom and stepfather. My father died when I was a child. I miss my father but I will never see him again. I believe in God and I have always been an optimist. Some people are negative. I think of my grandma and my grandpa too. The had hard experiences and I try to take my grandma and get her some nice clothing items but I budget. I try not to focus as much on name brand clothing. I even want to get a silver car. I started wearing silver and crystal jewelry and not gold. I am forty and I also have a lot of nice fashion earrings and a beautiful crystal necklace I got as a gift.

I am not giving up. I started getting driving lessons. I need a few months to get better at driving. Driving is a skill I can and want to learn to get good at. I am driving and it feels good to be in the driver’s seat. I will retest and take my road test in early September of this year. I feel like God is smiling on me because God healed me. God is my source of strength to draw from. I believe in God. I know God is with me in my difficulties and oh what a relief it is to know I am not alone in this. I want to have as many allies as I can.

I look within for the solutions to my problems.

I try not to look outside of myself for solutions to my problems. I really like and accept myself the way I am. God made a way for me to be healed. I appreciate my supporters, family and friends. My parents are supportive. I thank God my health is very good. I look at the simple things in life because they have importance. I live with my parents. I try to not isolate myself. I am looking for a job. I am trying to be more productive and help my mom and my grandma and also my stepfather. I got a nice gift for my mom for Mother’s day and a card. I also got my mom a nice gift for the holidays a pair of boots for winter. I am from New York City. I always have friends tell me they can hear my New York accent. I was born and raised for my early childhood in Brooklyn, New York. I took buses and trains to school and most places I went. Once when I was twelve years old my mom had her car window bashed out broken and someone tried to steal her car. My mom got her license in her 20s when she was trying to finish college. My family need my support. I am getting driving lessons and hope and pray I can pass my road test in early September later this year. I want to get my license!

I am trying to learn how to drive this year. I want to be able to pass my road test by the third try.

I am trying to get driving lessons and to pass the DMV road test in NJ. I have had a few driving lessons but I decided to go to Princeton Driving School. I have two set appointments for mid-late May of this year. I have had my examination permit since late last August 2020. I hope that by labor day weekend I can take and at least pass my road test the third time around. I have never learned the hand-over-hand steering technique but I will try to learn how to drive well enough to pass my road test on the third try. I like driving though. I look forward to upgrading to a probationary license in late July or Labor day weekend at the end of this summer. I see getting my license and learning how to drive at forty as a good step for me to be taking. I want to get a preowned vehicle too. I like the Jeep Renegade. I also really like the Honda HR-V. I will try to not go over ten grand for my first preowned vehicle to get around with. I will celebrate getting my first car too!

I gazed into my mirror at my own reflection. I was amazed at how this woman that is me became so much more comfortable in my own skin. As I got older I felt so much more comfortable the way I am. I check myself out on certain days and I put on my black cherry Revlon lipstick. I gaze at my reflection and say to myself “I like me”.

I realized lately that I should never compare myself to anyone else. I will never compare myself to anyone else especially if I look nothing like the person. I am glad that I got more comfortable with myself just the way I am. I see otherwise attractive women change their appearances from what they look like. I like myself more now that I am older. I turned forty and forty for me is a milestone age to have reached and oh what a relief it was to know that God’s been walking with me all this time.

Faith and divine intervention restored my life. I am more inclined to positive thinking. We all have a little bit negative in us but I have always associated my positive outlook with higher power or GOD. In a beautiful messed up broken world like this one we’re bombarded with negative things but I have always believed in GOD. I will hold on to my faith, and I know it will carry me through until I get where I am trying to go.

I find more now as a forty year old woman that being unique is something I like. Being able to stand out and do things like blogging were things I will always remember like bringing in the new year 2021 with a Paris wall calendar. I am cool! I can celebrate myself. I always liked poet Walt Whitman’s Song of Myself. It was like his invention but even though I don’t know what the poem is saying I just thought “Song of Myself” wow!

I have goals. I am trying to learn how to drive at forty, but I am not judging myself against high schoolers. I am older now. I am celebrating my success of passing the knowledge test at the DMV. I celebrate and give myself a pat on the back as I step out on faith that I was at least able to pass the knowledge test with 40 questions correct out of fifty questions. I am trying to get a part time job. I still volunteer with NAMI. I read a book a month. I try to read magazine articles too. I don’t watch TV anymore but I am on the internet all the time.