I am for relationships in my future.

I want to be able to form and keep friendships I was able to form over the years with friends I have at NAMI Mercer NJ who also struggle with their difficult mental illness. I have been working since January 2016. I am back to work this September 2019. I will be working this semester. I also plan to retest for the Praxis Core Reading test next January 2020. Early in January I plan to retest and take the core reading test for the second time. I may try a third time to see if I pass. I may be able to pass this second time. I’m studying the Barron’s Praxis Core Exams and I will be studying it for the rest of this year. Early January 2020 is retest.

I discovered Alicia Keys in a music therapy group when I was at St. Francis Medical Center on the Psychiatric unit in Trenton, New Jersey back in the 2000s.

I really like Alicia Keys. I am around her age. I’m 38. I love singer/songwriters. I feel like they are cool for singing and especially if they are like Alicia and have fifteen Grammy awards and write their own songs. I like her music. I love how she plays the piano. She is so cool and she seems to be down to earth. I like how in one of her music videos she has on a nice outfit playing the piano. She has a Yamaha piano too. To be a pianist is something very cool and to write your own songs. I just like and admire Alicia Keys so much.

I had a health scare.

I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and I was having anxiety too. I have been up since 7 am. I am going to be working on my writing. I am taking a course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through my course. I need to work on my assignments and make them better. I will be in the library from 10 am to noon. Then I’m just going to chill until 12:30 pm a friend is picking me up and we’re going bowling and getting pizza.

I am so happy I am working at my alma mater as a Mentor.

I am happy to be able to help my Mentees. Some of them are African American and I work at Mercer. I try to be helpful to all of my Mentees. Some of them are Caucasian and others are Hispanic. They are all very nice and I have been able to connect with almost all of them. Sometimes when I meet a new Mentee at the beginning of the semester I introduce myself to them to familiarize myself with their names as well.

I gazed into my mirror at my own reflection. I was amazed at how this woman that is me became so much more comfortable in my own skin. As I got older I felt so much more comfortable the way I am. I check myself out on certain days and I put on my black cherry Revlon lipstick. I gaze at my reflection and say to myself “I like me”.

I realized lately that I should never compare myself to anyone else. I will never compare myself to anyone else especially if I look nothing like the person. I am glad that I got more comfortable with myself just the way I am. I see otherwise attractive women change their appearances from what they look like. I like myself more now that I am older. I turned forty and forty for me is a milestone age to have reached and oh what a relief it was to know that God’s been walking with me all this time.

Faith and divine intervention restored my life. I am more inclined to positive thinking. We all have a little bit negative in us but I have always associated my positive outlook with higher power or GOD. In a beautiful messed up broken world like this one we’re bombarded with negative things but I have always believed in GOD. I will hold on to my faith, and I know it will carry me through until I get where I am trying to go.

I find more now as a forty year old woman that being unique is something I like. Being able to stand out and do things like blogging were things I will always remember like bringing in the new year 2021 with a Paris wall calendar. I am cool! I can celebrate myself. I always liked poet Walt Whitman’s Song of Myself. It was like his invention but even though I don’t know what the poem is saying I just thought “Song of Myself” wow!

I have goals. I am trying to learn how to drive at forty, but I am not judging myself against high schoolers. I am older now. I am celebrating my success of passing the knowledge test at the DMV. I celebrate and give myself a pat on the back as I step out on faith that I was at least able to pass the knowledge test with 40 questions correct out of fifty questions. I am trying to get a part time job. I still volunteer with NAMI. I read a book a month. I try to read magazine articles too. I don’t watch TV anymore but I am on the internet all the time.

I am holding on to my faith in God.

Most nights I have a good night sleep but occasionally I have trouble sleeping. I pray also. Most mornings I pray to God aloud in my bedroom. I am trying to think of friends and family. Someone’s random acts of kindness can be something you or I can benefit from. Most people that are nice to others like helping other people and supporting their friends and loved ones. I have had a pretty good relationship with my mother and my grandma always said she loved my pretty dark brown eyes she told me my irises reminded her of licorice. I try to help my mom out more in the house and also when we go out shopping at Walmart or Costco Wholesale where we often shop. I am trying to budget my money better. I want to save for my first car. I am going to be forty with my license but so what I know I can practice driving and I’ll make it. I won’t give up!

I have to give the credit to God for happy birthdays older. I recently turned forty in late January. I brought in the 2021 new year with a Paris wall calendar I purchased at Barnes and Noble. I know if nothing kept me from having successes older I’ll just celebrate those successes I had older. I thank God every day for things I had successes with older. Last year Miss Michelle blogging in Paris, France who recently nominated me caused me to stand out. I knew a guy that was in a Chanel ad once. I consider Madamoiselle Coco Chanel to be a fashion icon. I remember the French seemed to even like former president Obama. As a tween I wore a lot of Esprit clothes. I was one of the few young girls that had to have Esprit clothes I shopped for in Macys, and the Esprit store in Manhattan. As a New York native people say they even hear my New York accent when I talk.

I woke up with gratitude this morning. I am so thankful to God for healing my brokenness. I believe God is the only person that can heal another person. This world needs God more than ever. I try to reach out to friends and family. Sometimes all people need is someone that cares. Random acts of kindness could change the world. I know prayer helps me more than therapy. I rather cry out to God. I know my God hears my prayers. He is all I need.

I am thankful for my life. I pray to God for help in my room. I thank Him for supernatural healing. I know for sure God has been walking with me all this time. I think Claudia Rankine is cool. I read Citizen her poetry collection and I loved it. She is a poet and a playwright. She also teaches Creative Writing workshops at a college in California. I studied Creative Writing in college. I loved my major. I read a book a month too. I am reading Alicia Keys memoir. It is not bad so far. I think she is cool though. I am looking to buy a preowned car. I am taking the road test in April. I have made peace with my illness. God is so much bigger than the problems I have. I look at the positive aspects of my situation I am healed. I know if I help anyone this world is full of broken people, and God healed my brokenness.

I know now that I am older that I feel so much more comfortable with myself on the inside. I try not to compare myself with anyone else. I am going to be myself. I have come to terms with who I am. I really like myself the way I am. I always get compliments from other people. That always makes me smile when someone smiles at me or says hello. I believe God is the only healer. I try not to judge others. I kind of just live my own life. I am excited now that I can breathe and be.