I am for relationships in my future.

I want to be able to form and keep friendships I was able to form over the years with friends I have at NAMI Mercer NJ who also struggle with their difficult mental illness. I have been working since January 2016. I am back to work this September 2019. I will be working this semester. I also plan to retest for the Praxis Core Reading test next January 2020. Early in January I plan to retest and take the core reading test for the second time. I may try a third time to see if I pass. I may be able to pass this second time. I’m studying the Barron’s Praxis Core Exams and I will be studying it for the rest of this year. Early January 2020 is retest.

I discovered Alicia Keys in a music therapy group when I was at St. Francis Medical Center on the Psychiatric unit in Trenton, New Jersey back in the 2000s.

I really like Alicia Keys. I am around her age. I’m 38. I love singer/songwriters. I feel like they are cool for singing and especially if they are like Alicia and have fifteen Grammy awards and write their own songs. I like her music. I love how she plays the piano. She is so cool and she seems to be down to earth. I like how in one of her music videos she has on a nice outfit playing the piano. She has a Yamaha piano too. To be a pianist is something very cool and to write your own songs. I just like and admire Alicia Keys so much.

I had a health scare.

I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and I was having anxiety too. I have been up since 7 am. I am going to be working on my writing. I am taking a course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through my course. I need to work on my assignments and make them better. I will be in the library from 10 am to noon. Then I’m just going to chill until 12:30 pm a friend is picking me up and we’re going bowling and getting pizza.

I am so happy I am working at my alma mater as a Mentor.

I am happy to be able to help my Mentees. Some of them are African American and I work at Mercer. I try to be helpful to all of my Mentees. Some of them are Caucasian and others are Hispanic. They are all very nice and I have been able to connect with almost all of them. Sometimes when I meet a new Mentee at the beginning of the semester I introduce myself to them to familiarize myself with their names as well.

I know now that God is with me. I focus on spirituality. I show myself more love. I have to be honest I had some difficult experiences as a little girl that were really hard for me and affected my mental health even that make me feel a little sad sometimes but I choose to forgive, walk in love and let my anger about the past go. God is the healer. I don’t need any other person to heal me. God is the great healer. I had some rough times but even though it has been a little rough I refuse to give up on myself. I’m there for my mom and my family. I try to stay positive and pray every morning when I get up. I like to get up early too around 6 am and start my day.

I have grown a lot as a person. I just have so much more confidence in my ability to do things and work towards my short and long term goals. I believe in God and I know for myself that God is a healer, he is a provider and he is a miracle worker. I have come to know God for myself and my faith is strong that God is with me. I have begun to pray in the mornings when I wake up. I know God understands my problems and I feel sure that he is making ways in my life connecting me with people who are offering me opportunities to step my game up and carve out my own niche.

I read a lot as a tween. I would go to the Brooklyn Public Library and check out V.C Andrews mystery novels and other YA books with my mom as a tween. I’m a New York City native.

One of the things I love about public libraries is the stacks of books. I also really enjoy reading. I read about a book a month. I’ve read some good books. I like reading the genre of memoir also. I know reading opens a whole new world to a child. I have a dream of publishing my own children’s books. I was told I had a gift with literacy by my oldest half sister Alison who is a literacy coach. She works for the board of education in NYC and she used to work as an elementary school teacher. I think the gift comes from my BA in English and Creative Writing but I didn’t get high enough grades to my dismay. I am doing well on difficult assignments and it makes me really happy. I have two assignments to finish my course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am really excited and I am going to take my time and finish strong. I was informed that the last lesson gives me a chance to revise an earlier assignment I wrote in the beginning or the course. I will take that opportunity.

I first thank God for all of my blessings in my life.

I express gratitude to my few supporters and I talk myself down from the ledge. When people say I did good I feel at ease. I know no one makes it alone. You need mentors and people to help you be accountable to God and the law. I know my God for myself. I feel his peace. I enter into a rest. I sleep better. I say prayers even afraid. I awaken to spiritual music and worship. I say power down at 9 pm and make sure you check your phone to know what the day and time is. Don’t forget. I got a new phone. I can’t afford an i-phone. I get a prepaid phone every two years. I love God. God is with me. I encourage myself. I can do it. I can make it with God in my life and friends and family to support me even if fewer and far between. I was in a hospital with blood clots in my lungs. I have been getting tests run to see if I am okay. I will wait for the results. I believe God’s report. I distrust the medical community. I lost almost fifty pounds on my own.

I know God is the unseen hand making ways for me where there seemed to be none. I’m sure for myself that God is right here with me even in the struggles I have. I am not alone. Many times I felt like I was all alone in the struggles in my life until I had a supernatural peace wash over me.

I try to help my mom, my grandmother, my family, and my friends. I want to try to have a relationship with a man of my choosing. I want to have more independence also writing for children and teenagers too. By next January 2021 I will be getting a certificate from The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am psyched. I like myself. I like the successes I am having as a writer. I no longer hold on to anger about the past it helps me worry less. I’m letting go. I want to just enjoy all of my things that were happy successes I could call my own. All I have is the time I have left with my friends and loved ones.

I find things to be grateful for even in light of the corona virus pandemic. I find things to be grateful for. I have my own room and space to write and I know there are so many people in the world that live in such filthy conditions. I have my parents help too but I have a difficult mental illness. It makes me afraid sometimes apprehensive when approaching people but we also need to be six feet away from the person in front of us too. You always need to be careful not to talk to strangers especially kids. I pray that this corona virus pandemic will be over sooner than later. I think over 100,000 in the United States of America died but I am not sure the exact number of people worldwide who died because of the corona virus pandemic.

I am trying to practice being good to myself.

In the past when I struggled to find my way and felt down or discouraged I tried to form friendships and relationships with people so I wasn’t so isolated. All it took was becoming a part of NAMI Mercer NJ’s volunteer squad or peer volunteers. I enjoyed volunteering over the years. I felt so happy even around the holidays being a part of such a wonderful team of peer volunteers who were all trying to rebuild their own lives. Most of the organization’s volunteers make up the team that is NAMI. We have three parties every year in the social group for adults too. I recommend trying to get involved with NAMI to all my peers with mental health problems. You can do a little research online to see if there is a NAMI in your state and city or town.

I’ll pursue my goals but I need to never make excuses for my behavior. I never want to use my mental illness as an excuse for not working. I have done quite a bit of volunteer work over the years at NAMI. NAMI is such a wonderful organization to be a part of. I am proud to say I am just waiting to get an assignment back from my writing instructor. It made me feel so good when she said I had done really well on a difficult assignment.

I love to prove people wrong.

I think that positive cancels negative in most situations and I pray now. Prayer is a form of meditation. I do things I enjoy that’s my happiness. My life followed its own trajectory, life happens you can’t plan life it is just the nature of things. I try to not dwell on my past. I believe in God. God is making a way for me even now because I am sure and I can tell that God’s power has been in my life. God is diety not a person. I think sometimes it may be sad but regardless of what each person may believe I believe in God. I know God is a good God. We all have different stories each person has a story in life but the one universal thread is people regardless of background who may have had trauma in their lives or things happen to them at the hands of people who may have gotten hurt early on or had some trauma in their lives that still them as adults. I know here in America many of the adults that are really affected by trauma inflicted upon them by a teacher at school or a parent I notice even young kids doing things like committing suicide. It is really hard sometimes especially for some adults who have difficult mental illnesses and struggles that you may never know just how hard their illnesses are for them. I like that I am a part of NAMI. As a peer volunteer, I like to be able to at least renew my membership to NAMI every year. I did so yesterday. I know sometimes when I think of the divine intervention I had I say “Thank you, God for making this possoble”.