I couldn’t see self acceptance in my 30s when I was a teenager…

I couldn’t see being called or referred to as a self love advocate in my teenage years or even as a little girl. I was bullied since I was in the first or second grade by older kids in my neighborhood of Old Brooklyn and bullied at the school I went to. I almost drowned when I was eight or nine years old but in my 30s I did a lot of cool stuff. The coolest thing I ever did other than have successes in Poetry was writing my Schizophrenia Memoir. I am still typing it. I think I’ll have 100 pages in a few months and then I will need 100 more pages to have a 200 page memoir (a book). One of the older girls I went to school with invited me to her house and we went to this pool. As I was circling the pool I went from the kiddie pool to the deep end and I almost drowned when I was eight or nine years old. The coolest things that happened to me in my 30s was taking Memoir with Edi for two semesters. I continue working on my memoir now. I’m still connected to Edi and still writing and working on my book: Ayesha’s Story: the Schizophrenia Memoirs.

Chocolate cheesecake.

Me and my Caucasian friends at Mercer and a few friends I went to AAMH program with would joke that if I were a cake I’d be a chocolate cheesecake.  It’s a joke that started when I was a student at Mercer from 1998-2007. It continued with my friend Lori Ann from AAMH. Lori Ann said it was her birthday a few years ago and Fred Howard a mutual male friend told Lori “happy birthday have a slice of chocolate cheesecake”. Lori said he wouldn’t let her choose plain cheesecake or strawberry cheesecake. Lori had no choice but to have a slice of chocolate cheesecake. Fred insisted that she eat that on her birthday.

I am really happy the way my life turned out. I am 36 and I am working on a memoir.

I am hoping that my memoir I’m writing is right around two hundred pages typed written. My memoir is called Ayesha’s Story: The Schizophrenia Memoirs. So far I have sixty six pages typed written. When I type the rest of Part Three I’ll probably have 100 pages. I have been smoke free for almost three years. In July 2017 I will celebrate three years without a cigarette. I got help from Dr. Maddiah. She prescribed Chantix for me. She seemed to care and I have not so much have smoked one cigarette in almost three years. I spend my extra money on clothes, shoes and jewelry for myself.  I believe I deserve nice things so I buy them. I love JC Penney and Kohls. I recently turned 36 years old and I feel really good about myself in my 30s. I feel attractive in my 30s. I didn’t feel attractive in my 20s. I felt broken and not good about myself when I was a teenager.

I became myself. I never lost the essence of who I am.

I became Ayesha Karim. I became a memoir writer. When I think of book titles one of my first titles for my Memoir was Memories of Me. Then it was a Tale of Three Half Sisters. My three half sisters of course are Alison, Renee and Sarah on my biological father’s side. I feel attractive now in my 30s. I didn’t feel attractive in my 20s. I didn’t feel pretty until a girl I went to high school with told me she thought I was “pretty to be dark skinned”. Her name was Kelly of course and I met her at Mc Corristin high school in September 1994. I had my initial psychotic break in February 1995. I went to Friends Hospital in Philly. I was at Helene Fuld first and then transported there. Right now I am at AAMH since May 2011. I am at the Outpatient services at AAMH. I see Dr. Maddiah and I see Ed Meyers my new therapist. I need to call Ed Meyers to set up a therapy session.

I know God is with me and was with me all this time.

The more I love and accept myself the more I’m sure that God loves me. I don’t think any love compares to the love God has for me. Not even my mother loves me as a much as God loves me. God said “Ayesha I approve of you so you can approve of yourself”. I am not the type of person who tries to be someone I’m not. I’ll never forget Edi Giunta. I became a writer in her Memoir class. She said “Ayesha you are a writer”. She empowered me. I don’t know of one other professor in the English department that would’ve done that and open up her home to me and invited me to Memoirfests.  I did not know that would’ve happened. I am writing my memoir I call Ayesha’s Story and I will continue writing poetry into my 40s and 50s. I will keep this writing blog too! The course I’m taking with The Institute of Children’s Lit is going well too! I’m working on Assignment Three and it’s supposed to be an exercise that is supposed to be 500 words.

People ask me about the memoir I am writing: I call my memoir Ayesha’s Story! (I am very happy I wrote my memoir)

People seem to be very interested in my memoir that I wrote in Edi Giunta’s Advanced Memoir class. So far I have 66 pages of a typed written memoir that includes the eighteen page memoir I wrote in Edi’s Advanced Memoir class plus more. I almost have seventy pages. I am going to have 100 pages once I finish typing Part Three and I am really excited about it. Once I have the hundred pages typed up I will show it to Edi. I’ll print all one hundred pages out and find a way to add another 100 pages to it so I can have a two hundred page memoir: a book I will call Ayesha’s Story: The Schizophrenia Memoirs.

I’m doing my own thing now!

From writing my  memoir to loving and accepting myself the way I am in my 30s. I’m doing my own thing. I’m not seeking approval and I have no enemies. I am not looking too much at that woman and what she’s doing and I’m not looking at that guy over there and what he’s doing. I’m charting my own course in  life. From writing this memoir I call Ayesha’s Story to putting on lipstick in my bedroom mirror and admiring myself. I learned the secret to happiness just being who I am and not wanting what other people have. I have enough. I don’t want more and I wouldn’t want less. I’m good! If I find a man in the next four years that will be great! I want a partner or a boyfriend. I already have admirers Black and White. I always have. I don’t look at Race as long as the man is handsome and  a nice person I’d date him. I hope we can have a baby too!