TheAyeshaSite

I used to think I understood God when I was broken until God healed this brokenness that was mine and healed it with Love (Self Love). I used to think that beauty is skin deep but not anymore. I used to think that what people looked like on the outside made them the most beautiful. I don’t believe that. People always said things to me about what was wrong with my skin. My skin is my largest organ and unlike a lot of black people I love my skin. I love my eyes. I love my womanhood that I share with all other women. I wouldn’t want to be a male or a man. I love the color pink in every shade from pale pink to hot pink. I love purple too. I try to understand God but I understand self acceptance and the gift God gave me. I know self acceptance for AYESHA is proof God does exist. He will take the least person and make them significant with his Love his self love!

R.I.P. Purple One. I wear my raspberry beret cause I loved you Prince and your music. You never sampled, you played multiple musical instruments and were an icon.

People need to take care of themselves. I take care of myself. I have a mental illness. I still love myself. I still deem myself worthy of love and respect and the best that life has to offer. I can’t make my difficulties go away but I love poetry and I’m living my dream going to poetry slams in my 30s, having a poem in the NAMI Mercer newsletter this May 2017 and by having all of my poems typed and printed out. I have a chapbook now! I will be hearing from Chris KP Brown my chapbook publisher by next week. Chris texted me on May 4, 2017. By the end of May I should have the remaining copies of my chapbook and the check Chris promised me. That’s going to be good. I’ll sell anybody a copy of my chapbook who is interested for $5 even. Self love is wealth.

I am on a new level in my life. I praise and thank God for this new level I’m on. People react to me in different ways depending on the person because I am a Black/African woman and I love and accept myself. I wouldn’t have life any other way. I’m looking forward to typing the rest of my memoir. I should have 100+pages by Labor Day weekend if I can find my USB drive with my memoir on it. My proudest accomplishment is my schizophrenia memoir from the first 900 word piece in Memoir Workshop with Edi Giunta until I reach the 60,000 words for a book. My first target is 40,000 words by January 2018.

I thought maybe at some time in the past I lost my connection to myself but I am recovering from Schizophrenia. I look into the mirror today and I am healed because my self image is not broken anymore like it was broken in my teenage years and my 20s. This means God has been with me and working in me and God favors me. I at one point honestly believed it was impossible to get better. Since 2011 I’ve been doing well (really well). I have my own chapbook. I have had some poetry successes. I’m writing my memoir I call Ayesha’s Story The SZ Memoirs. I have this writing blog. I am branding myself as AYESHA!

I didn’t have the easiest childhood but I became myself in my 30s and that’s a great thing. Everybody has to come out of their 20s so I did good in spite of my childhood. I remember Old Brooklyn and how the kids treated me poorly and didn’t like me. I also remember Old Brooklyn being almost all African American and it’s more than half Caucasian now. A lot of the Blacks that owned property in Brooklyn sold their dwellings to Caucasian property seekers in Brooklyn and I’m sure elsewhere. I know the house my mother owns in Brooklyn will be my house if ever we can’t afford to live in Princeton Junction, New Jersey anymore. The house is in Crown Heights section of Brooklyn and the address is 14 Saint Francis Place Brooklyn, NY 11216. I had my initial psychotic break down when I was fourteen too.

I admit it. I sing myself. It’s funny how that makes me laugh so much when I am at home alone in my bedroom in complete darkness. I think oh my God “I sing myself” and suddenly I hear a woman’s voice call me “chocolate chip” and I just think wow I’ve grown up. I’m 36 now! I’ve come a long way from where I started from, from my Al-Karim School days to 2017 that’s for sure. I got into Cave Canem twice. I feel racially conscious. I even got an 86% on my Kwanzaa and African Americans paper for ECE 210 class this semester. I have been race conscious since I was in my 20s. My grandmother would buy an EBONY magazine subscription for me when I was in my 20s in her name. Now I have EBONY and ESSENCE magazines subscriptions and I am doing much better since turning age 30. I took WRAP three times at NAMI Mercer NJ. I had my grandma call me the other day to say hello. Grandma’s hair is gray and a part of me hates aging and gray hair so much I want to ask her for permission to dye her hair for her. I have a few gray hairs in the front. I hate the thought of going gray. I found Clairol’s Beautiful Collection in Rich Walnut a dark brown hair color for my hair when I start needing to color my hair to cover my gray hair. I am going to be dark and lovely wearing that hair color. I want to give a shout out to all the bloggers and internet savvy people who have online portfolios. This blog is my baby!

I have few regrets looking at the past. I am doing well with my second Bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood Education. I basically need to take my summer I 2017 class to prepare me for the Reading and Writing sections of the Praxis CORE for Educators test. I want to pass all three tests reading, writing and math. I will take each test separately. I need a passing score on all three tests and then I can register for my next class. I am typing my memoir this summer. Looking back at the past because I have my memoir that is going to be at least 40,000 words I have few regrets. I’ll have over 120 pages when I reach my 40,000 word count like Cassandra Casella’s Honors Thesis. I am very excited at the thought of reaching 40,000 words and going over every page before printing my memoir out in August 2017!

The greatest love of all is self love. I would say the greatest love of all is self love and self acceptance. I know why some people will never like me. I sing myself. I feel like the world revolves around me. I’m selfish and self centered and I’m a chocolate chip off the old block. I thought I had been “dealt a bad hand” but I don’t feel that way anymore in 2017. I love all of my imperfections because they make me krazy beautiful feminine female and unique. I still think about getting in to Cave Canem. I’ve come a long way from my Al-Karim School days! Soon I’ll become a teacher. I’m a poet, memoirist, blogger and aspiring children’s author.

I read Mary Karr’s “The Art of Memoir” and “Sinners Welcome” and I love both titles. She said she is part Caucasian and part Indian “feathers not dots”. I found myself loving Karr’s sense of humor. Karr feels like she is diverse. She said Richard Wright’s Black Boy  was a memoir and she cites Richard Wright as the only author known for just that one book. Richard Wright is a writer but I think he only published Black Boy and at one time it was considered the best book by an African American writer. Black Boy was once the most popular book by an African American writer (there are many African American writers now myself included). I remember Edi saying The Art of Slow Writing to me when I took Memoir with her at NJCU and Edi told me I can have a book I’m very proud of publishing that Edi would edit for me after I revised it a few times and I typed my memoir. I am so proud of the 66 pages I have typed written but this summer I’ll have 90 to 100 pages or more typed written. I may have 30,000 words or I may have my goal of 40,000 by September. I will have 40,000 words by January 2018 that’s for sure. I’ll reach my ambitious goal for my 37th birthday. I’ll just keep writing and typing and write my Schizophrenia memoir. My 40th birthday is approaching and I want 120-200 typed written pages to show for it! My memoir my book!