I know I have insight into my illness.

I have insight into my mental illness. That made the difference in my life. I think there are a lot of cool blogs on this website. For mental health bloggers I encourage them also to consider prayer and spirituality. I pray most mornings when I wake up. I pray also to seek God and I am sincere. I try to at least pull myself together but I have good days and bad days like anyone else. I believe in God. Spirituality and a miracle I had from God changed my whole life. I was in my early 30s at the time. I feel God’s presence with me now. I thank God for his peace, his loving kindness toward me. I know every good and perfect gift is from the Father. I see a man when I think of God but some say God is a woman. I believe in God and I pray to God too. God is with me so I fight this battle every day in hopes I will win if I don’t give up.

I have a little shine of my own.

Rarely do I talk about other people’s lives. My life is a good life. I will continue to appreciate my life. If I appreciate what I have and not ask for more but also get in touch with God as my source and not even my parents or my friends or my family I can choose to be good to myself and not judge myself either. I want to keep my self image healthy. I can’t and don’t want to get in a bad relationship that is not good for me. I always like to stay in touch with my friends and my family. Possibilities open up when you have friends. You always need to thank people who support you. I want to be appreciative of things others do for me that are kind or nice. I also try to keep reassuring myself that I am nice too. I feel good about myself even despite people not being as thrilled about me. The moment I chose myself my life changed. I had been bullied a lot as a child in school about my color and the way I looked but now that I am older I choose to accept myself as I am. I don’t want to change. I know God is in the details too. I had been feeling so sad and down one day in my early twenties and a peace washed over my soul and spirit. In that moment my whole life changed. I slept better for my 30s more than I ever have since I was a little girl. I know people who have a really difficult illness like mine can get better too. They just have to take steps but they can be treated.

I didn’t realize how fortunate I was until I thought of people who work most days of the week and have trouble making ends meet or affording things.

I am trying to do more with less but I will be doing a budget from month to month so that I can at least save for my first vehicle and get my first basic driver license. I don’t mind taking the train but with a car I will feel better being able to have the independence of a car or SUV and also budget for the vehicle of my choice. The first step is going to be arranging my first driving lesson and trying to keep my eyes on the road and getting my first vehicle. I saw a cute little SUV online that I want to get because I have to budget for a vehicle of my own.

I know God is walking with me. I know there were times in the past when I felt so broken, alone and desperate I felt God’s miraculous healing for soul and spirit.

I have started to become more prayerful. I started to pray. God is the only person that can heal. God is the great healer. There is only one miracle that can take place in a lifetime. I want to try to be a good person who does good and cares enough to try to help other people and be kind to other people. I know God is the person who healed me. I thank God for His healing miracle wonder working power. I thank God I’m not where I was. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t know what to do. God was there my peace in amidst the chaos and turbulent times like these that we are living in. I envision a better world. I am trying to think of ways I can assist and help other people. I now understand that only God can heal me and He has healed me I thank God that I am not sick. I was worrying way too much but since my spiritual awakening I worry less. I try to get sleep at night and worry much less. Sleep is healing and restoring too. I thank God for his miracle and mercies that are new every morning.

I recently got my examination permit from the DMV.

I am excited and I feel ready to drive but this weekend is Labor Day weekend so I have to wait until next week. I like how much more in control I feel now that I was able to pass the knowledge and vision tests at the DMV last Friday. I am going to try to arrange driving lessons with a driving school. I’ll do that next week or the following week. I am psyched that I was at least able to pass the knowledge test. Next in three months I can upgrade to getting my probationary license. I need $19.50 for this upgrade to a probationary license in the state of New Jersey, but thank the Lord I don’t need supervision after three months of supervision. TGIF!

Having many of my successes older made me feel excited about celebrating successes over thirty even over thirty five. I decided I would celebrate my successes older.

Sometimes as a kid my family lived in a two-family brownstone in Brooklyn. My mom’s side of the family lived together in Brooklyn in Crown Heights and had to really budget for every thing they bought. I try to make sure I think of others. I try to think of my mom and my grandma. I try to think of my stepfather also. He raised me since I was ten or eleven when he married my mom. I lost my biological father when I was about two years old. I also remember the state of the world being different. I am optimistic in my outlook. I see the world as getting worse but I think the world will start to get better. I know God put me on this earth to do more than promote myself. I feel cool as hell to be blogging with four nominations in the past two years. I can’t wait to upgrade to my probationary license and take the road test at the DMV.

I actually just came back from the DMV Bakers Basin location in NJ. I passed the knowledge test just barely passing the test with forty questions correct out of fifty questions. It feels so good to me that I was at least able to pass the knowledge test with an 80 percent. I will be trying to get my first set of driving lessons from a driving school by September and October of this year (2020).

I still managed to get really comfortable in my own skin and like myself just the way I am despite certain things being true for me all of my life.

I feel good. I am optimistic about my future and my life. I have the ability to be resilient, grow and adapt or see the glass half full. There are many reasons I chose to just enjoy my life because of the successes I am having in my 30s. I’ll be forty in January 2021. I am finishing up a course this January 2021 also in how to write for children and teenagers. People may not see what I see in myself when they look at me but I feel very good about myself. The successes I have had older were great in giving me confidence in my own ability to do things. I know God is with me. I believe the unseen hand in all of our lives in almighty God the father maker of heaven and earth. I got teased badly as a little girl but I feel attractive at least. I don’t think anyone else is better than I am. I know confidence is sexy. The way certain people portray me isn’t something I care about. I am also very proud in my identity as a black woman. I try to be kind on purpose to others. I want to have an impact also in my dream I had since I was in my 20s to write for children. I want the children to at least like the books I write and even ask me questions about my upbringing. I was born in Brooklyn, New York and I lived there until I was thirteen years old. My mental illness is really hard for me but I am doing well. I got a prescription from God that helped me to sleep much better than I ever have in my 30s. God is the peace in the madness that I can’t explain but am so grateful for. God is my healer.

I have learned from experience more sometimes than reading books. I think in life you can never have solely successes because I believe to learn you can’t learn as much from your successes as you can from your failures. You have to have both not one and not the other but both. Life is a learning experience at least it has been for me.

I know my God is with me. I’m sure. I felt God’s supernatural peace wash over me one day. God is with me. I’m not alone. I know He has made ways out of no way in my life and that’s my story took me from insane to healed child of God.

I had an experience one day at an open mic in Trenton reading a poem. A Black Jamaican guy I was in a poetry group with named Joseph along with a few other poets said “Ayesha, I like your poetry”. He was nice. I thought of our similar interests of writing poetry, the compliment he gave me kept me smiling all day. Joseph and I were taking a break. I thought of Joseph saying “I like writing poetry too”. He had a baldy and he wrote poems too. Joseph was telling me he went to college in Jamaica. I got a new yellow dress out of Target and put on a pink Gucci baseball cap I bought for myself. I went to a open mic in Trenton. I read a poem called”Too This/Too That”. I was actually able to pull it off. I wonder if Russell Simmons would invite me to read “Too This/Too That” poem at Def Poetry Jam.

I had always thought of the performance poetry scene as some cool things to do. Once when I took an advanced seminar in poetry class a professor said to me “you have a cadence in the way you read poetry.