I have had my dreams come true. I became an author.

I studied English and Creative Writing in college because I had this dream of becoming a writer. I never had anything just given to me. I feel cool to say I am the author of my blog. I had difficult experiences in my life. I am thankful for my life. I realize more and more that life is a gift. I found it really hard to enjoy anything when I first had my psychotic breakdown. God and spirituality are my choices not trying to get back at people who never liked me. I believe in God. I embrace who I am more now at age 41. I don’t want to depend on anyone else. I want my own part-time job. I hope to publish a childhood memoir I wrote called Mama’s Little Helper. I would love to get my book published and to have my own book. I studied creative writing in college. I am even getting driving lessons. I can handle myself but I need to save money. I am applying for jobs. I want the independence of my own used SUV.

Passing my knowledge test at the DMV in NJ was a real confidence booster.

The third time I took the knowledge test at the DMV I was able to pass the knowledge test with 40 out of 50 questions correct. I barely passed but I passed and it was a confidence booster that I was at the very least about to get a passing score. The test had some challenging questions on it but I passed. I took the test in late August of 2020, and on the third attempt I was able to pass. The first two times I took the knowledge test I failed the test. On the third attempt, I passed and in spite of the challenges I faced I said: “Esha this time you passed you did it”. I started driving at almost forty years old. I know most people get their driving permits at the age of 16 or 17. Here I am getting driving lessons at age 41 hoping to pass my road test on April 22nd at noon. Driving lessons are something I enjoy and look forward to.

I have anxiety about my road test but I still push myself to practice driving.

I started the process of getting my driver’s license. Today for the third time I failed my road test. I need to stay focused while I am taking the road test. I have some anxiety about the road test. I decided to just try again taking the road test in two or three weeks from now. I want my license. I have been driving with an examination permit for over a year. I know I can at least pass if I try again. I got so much further today on the road test that I came close to almost passing the road test. One dumb mistake forfeited my whole third attempt. Now at least I know what to do. I even got lucky with an easier kinder road test examiner who almost passed me. I will use today as a reference point and make another road test appointment in two or three weeks. I will practice a lot and just try a fourth time. I am looking at used Camry sedans on the internet. I have a budget of ten grand. I will try to get a lower price on a good used Camry sedan for my first car sometime this summer.

I am interested in becoming closer to God through religion and spirituality. God is there for me. I appreciate my parents, family, and friends. I feel love for myself. I am a resilient person. I know I can help support my peers. Every peer I help or support the more useful I feel. I studied English and Creative Writing in college. I will try again to see if I pass the praxis core. I was off by ten points the second time I took the praxis core. I will take one test at a time. A classmate told me to break the test up. I found her advice to be really helpful. I have accommodations through September. I hope to go back to NJCU.

I go out driving. I am older. I am glad I took this step toward more independence for myself. God is good. I try to maintain a positive outlook. The more independence I attain for myself the better I’ll feel. I’ll feel my age.

I started to like myself a lot more as I got older. I am age 41.

When I was a child I was bullied and teased incessantly about my complexion. I had light brown relatives and relatives that were dark in coloring. I didn’t have weight problems as a child but I was a little husky. When I started high school a few months into my freshman year in high school I got my first period. I lost some weight. After years of poor nutrition and weight gain on psych meds I lost fifty pounds and feel somewhat better. I would like to take off some more weight but not that much more. I want to lose 100 pounds from my heaviest weight. I lost forty or more pounds eating vegetarian lunches and dinners. I like myself. I got a few new clothing items online. I feel pretty good. I have a difficult illness that is hard for me. I take my meds though. I am not a superwoman. I need to make sure I take all of my medication to be at my best. I don’t think people should be ashamed if they have a mental illness. I volunteer for NAMI and have for years. I value my role as a client at a mental health agency. People want to be able to reintegrate into society and not be stigmatized because of their mental illness.

I had my 41st birthday yesterday.

I am forty-one years old now. I believe in God. I thank God first and foremost for all the good in my life. I know God in my life made all the difference. I will think of things to be grateful for every time I feel like complaining. I know the peace of God is what helps me to sleep better. I praise the Lord for all my progress. I know in this season God is blessing me. I like who I am and the person I have become. I have a feeling of peace on the inside from God. I sleep better too! I will always trust God and I know He has my best interests in mind.

I’d make the case for getting more comfortable the way you are than trying to be like someone else. It wasn’t until I got older that I started to feel like “I like myself more now”. As a little girl, I was often told I was “too black” and I was always nice but told no. I appreciate the people in my life. I’ve formed a few friendships and I push myself to socialize a little more. I am more of an introvert but I like socialization too. I had some social anxiety but not nearly as much as I had in the past. People are meant to socialize. I force myself to try to be more social. Idleness is the devil’s playground. I always felt like something was going on, but I thank God he is in this with me.

When it shows that you are learning from your mistakes in life it is teaching you something. I learned from my mistakes. I learned the hard way. I had no control over the situation I was in. I graduated from college a few years ago. I have my Bachelor’s degree. The farthest I got in school was a 4-year degree. I feel cool about getting four blogger award nominations though!

I believe in God. I praise God for being there for me.

Many times in my life I didn’t know where to turn. I now turn to spirituality for my sanity and mental health. I pray many mornings when I wake up from my sleep. I am thankful that God cared enough about me to heal me. I think of all the unexpected friendships I formed over the years. I realize life is better with friends and although I have never been a popular person I am becoming more comfortable with my life and with myself as I am. I am starting to feel blessed just to be where I am now. I think the miracle God gave me could have only come from the Lord. I reassure my family and my friends that I care about them also. I try to be a supportive peer to many of my friends and peers that can use a little help. I never thought of a ministry but I want to help support some of my friends with similar challenges by arranging to take a friend or a few friends out to lunch. I am getting driving lessons and trying to get my license by March or April of this new year.