I recently got my examination permit from the DMV.

I am excited and I feel ready to drive but this weekend is Labor Day weekend so I have to wait until next week. I like how much more in control I feel now that I was able to pass the knowledge and vision tests at the DMV last Friday. I am going to try to arrange driving lessons with a driving school. I’ll do that next week or the following week. I am psyched that I was at least able to pass the knowledge test. Next in three months I can upgrade to getting my probationary license. I need $19.50 for this upgrade to a probationary license in the state of New Jersey, but thank the Lord I don’t need supervision after three months of supervision. TGIF!

Having many of my successes older made me feel excited about celebrating successes over thirty even over thirty five. I decided I would celebrate my successes older.

Sometimes as a kid my family lived in a two-family brownstone in Brooklyn. My mom’s side of the family lived together in Brooklyn in Crown Heights and had to really budget for every thing they bought. I try to make sure I think of others. I try to think of my mom and my grandma. I try to think of my stepfather also. He raised me since I was ten or eleven when he married my mom. I lost my biological father when I was about two years old. I also remember the state of the world being different. I am optimistic in my outlook. I see the world as getting worse but I think the world will start to get better. I know God put me on this earth to do more than promote myself. I feel cool as hell to be blogging with four nominations in the past two years. I can’t wait to upgrade to my probationary license and take the road test at the DMV.

I actually just came back from the DMV Bakers Basin location in NJ. I passed the knowledge test just barely passing the test with forty questions correct out of fifty questions. It feels so good to me that I was at least able to pass the knowledge test with an 80 percent. I will be trying to get my first set of driving lessons from a driving school by September and October of this year (2020).

I still managed to get really comfortable in my own skin and like myself just the way I am despite certain things being true for me all of my life.

I feel good. I am optimistic about my future and my life. I have the ability to be resilient, grow and adapt or see the glass half full. There are many reasons I chose to just enjoy my life because of the successes I am having in my 30s. I’ll be forty in January 2021. I am finishing up a course this January 2021 also in how to write for children and teenagers. People may not see what I see in myself when they look at me but I feel very good about myself. The successes I have had older were great in giving me confidence in my own ability to do things. I know God is with me. I believe the unseen hand in all of our lives in almighty God the father maker of heaven and earth. I got teased badly as a little girl but I feel attractive at least. I don’t think anyone else is better than I am. I know confidence is sexy. The way certain people portray me isn’t something I care about. I am also very proud in my identity as a black woman. I try to be kind on purpose to others. I want to have an impact also in my dream I had since I was in my 20s to write for children. I want the children to at least like the books I write and even ask me questions about my upbringing. I was born in Brooklyn, New York and I lived there until I was thirteen years old. My mental illness is really hard for me but I am doing well. I got a prescription from God that helped me to sleep much better than I ever have in my 30s. God is the peace in the madness that I can’t explain but am so grateful for. God is my healer.

I have learned from experience more sometimes than reading books. I think in life you can never have solely successes because I believe to learn you can’t learn as much from your successes as you can from your failures. You have to have both not one and not the other but both. Life is a learning experience at least it has been for me.

I know my God is with me. I’m sure. I felt God’s supernatural peace wash over me one day. God is with me. I’m not alone. I know He has made ways out of no way in my life and that’s my story took me from insane to healed child of God.

I had an experience one day at an open mic in Trenton reading a poem. A Black Jamaican guy I was in a poetry group with named Joseph along with a few other poets said “Ayesha, I like your poetry”. He was nice. I thought of our similar interests of writing poetry, the compliment he gave me kept me smiling all day. Joseph and I were taking a break. I thought of Joseph saying “I like writing poetry too”. He had a baldy and he wrote poems too. Joseph was telling me he went to college in Jamaica. I got a new yellow dress out of Target and put on a pink Gucci baseball cap I bought for myself. I went to a open mic in Trenton. I read a poem called”Too This/Too That”. I was actually able to pull it off. I wonder if Russell Simmons would invite me to read “Too This/Too That” poem at Def Poetry Jam.

I had always thought of the performance poetry scene as some cool things to do. Once when I took an advanced seminar in poetry class a professor said to me “you have a cadence in the way you read poetry.

I always felt like it was always better to give than to receive.

The moment I felt like I was maturing as a person was that I was starting to take responsibility for my own actions, reactions and choices. You never think before you act sometimes. When you say something you regret you wish you could take words back. I have been thinking about my mental health. I know God is with me wherever I am. I also hallucinate sometimes. It’s hard to describe an illness like my illness. It’s hard some days. I have been trying to continue to be kind and respectful to others. I also am happy because it’s good to be me, but I’m in a good place. I don’t want to harm myself though. I want to live and enjoy the life I have with all of my choices but I am also trying to become more self sufficient. I have always understood why everything that makes it cool to be me now may have just been easier after all.

I am really looking forward to my fortieth birthday next January 28, 2021.

I will be finishing up my course in writing for children. I love the successes I am having. My writing instructor at The Institute of Children’s Literature gave me great feedback on a harder assignment I revised and it felt good. I am looking forward to finishing my course with ICL by January 2021. I look forward to receiving my certificate in writing for children and teenagers. I hope I can get my children’s books published including a middle grade or YA novel idea I have. We can submit the first three chapters of a book length work and I am going to choose to revise one of my earlier lessons. I am going to be waiting until the library in my area reopens and I will be using the rest of this year making writing appointments and typing up my last three assignments to complete my course. I have an extension through the month of January 2021. I will be sitting in the library a few times a week once the library reopens. I feel better when I work on my course in the library. I hope and I pray that I can get some help and support for my book from my instructor. I also entered a poem in the Institute for Writers poetry contest that I think will be getting back to me sometime in August.

I appreciate the sacrifices my mother and my grandmother made in their lives that I was able to benefit from.

I know God is with me. I have been a volunteer with NAMI for almost ten years. I just appreciate all of the staff members there. I got so much help from peers and also over the years I enjoyed added perks of being a member of the organization. The people at NAMI are so helpful and nice too. I have been trying to think more about my parents. I know they made certain sacrifices for me that made it possible for me to enjoy the life I enjoy. I want to try to do things for my mother, my grandmother and also my stepfather that helped my mother raise me. I never thought of myself as a role model but I know I have influence and I care enough about my peers with a mental illness to think of them as well. I want to be a helpful person who tries to help someone else out. I think the best way to try to get your foot in the door of employment is volunteer work. I’ve enjoyed so many great perks since I became a member of NAMI and a NAMI Mercer NJ volunteer.

I feel less ill as I once did.

I feel good about the volunteer work I did for almost ten years at NAMI. I have hope for my present and my future. I am an optimist. I see successes into my 40s and 50s. I don’t want to limit what I can do. Next January 2021 I will be turning forty. I am actually looking forward to turning the big 4-0. I have a good relationship with my mother. I feel close to my grandma too. I wrote a short poem for my mom called You Inspire Me that was published in the latest newsletter. I appreciate my mom so much. She took me to quite a few doctor and dental appointments over the past few months. I want my mom to know that I love her. I won’t let my disability stop me. I want to be able to able to write for children and teenagers. I look forward to getting a certificate in writing for children and teenagers from The Institute of Children’s Literature in Connecticut.