I would describe this experience as a pivotal moment in my life. I knew the peace of God surpassed my understanding. God was saying to me at that moment “here I am you are not alone daughter”. I discovered I wasn’t alone. I felt alone. I felt really sad. I felt like I was becoming aware for the first time that beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved and cared about me. I believe in God. I know he cares enough about me as his child. I’m 39 now. Back in my early 30s I had this divine encounter with a loving accepting God that forgave me and was there for me on a rough day. I sleep better also since I had the experience. Most nights I sleep well. I am less afraid or anxious about the future. The get better sleep at night since my early 30s the God encounter I had caused me to sleep better. I also lost over 45 pounds on my own. I try to sleep at night by 10 pm or so. I had insomnia a lot in my teenage years and in my 20s too. Now in my 30s from the year 2012 to now this has been my best decade for getting sleep and enough rest at night.
I know it took being alone with myself for me to get more comfortable as I am and being able to say I really like myself. I was bullied a lot a child. I don’t wish to get revenge with my bullies and naysayers or the people that never cared for me. It’s their loss. At almost forty years of age I don’t seek revenge. The more compliments I go the more people wished me well the more I thought wow this is a good outcome. I don’t want to bring up the past. I am here now and I am so grateful to my supporters. I love being a writer too. I will be spending my time finishing up my ICL course. I want to revise a few assignments and finish strong giving myself more time with my last three assignments. I was given a generous extension too until next January 2021. I will actually be turning forty too next January 2021.
My role as a writer is my favorite role. I enjoyed mentoring at my alma mater Mercer CCC. Money isn’t everything. You need money to live but it’s not as important as friends and family to your happiness. I know my mom has supported me a lot. My grandmother is important to me also. People often fail to realize that you don’t have to be the most beautiful or attractive person to choose yourself and learn to accept yourself more and be more comfortable with yourself the way you are. All it takes is confidence and being honest with yourself. I had gotten teased about my color a lot as a kid. That was really something that was hard for me but after I turned thirty my self image and my life got better. I still have my good days and my bad days but I feel really good about myself as a person. It is different for each person but I was usually the last girl picked and I had self image issues as a little girl. I remember my grandmother and my great aunt saying she loved my eyes and that I was her great niece. I appreciate my life now. I don’t try to change how other people think of me. All the matters to me at the end of a day is that I really like myself and I’ve grown more comfortable with myself now that I’m older. I’m 39.
God is the person I turn to. I have my supporters but they are fewer than I may like. I have been starting to pray and say prayers to God that come from a sincere heart. I know if I pray and get quiet from any distractions for at least an hour each day it will help me. The Lord says vengeance is mine. I do not seek revenge from anyone. I know this experience of being nominated for four blogger awards with a bunch of other bloggers here on WordPress has to be one of the coolest experiences I have had. I am finishing reading Disney’s A Wrinkle in Time.
I am done playing the blame game with my parents. I am an adult. I’m going to be forty years old next January 2021. The decisions I make are my own to make. I don’t try to be a certain way for someone else to love me or treat me better. I realize now that because I’m older I can be good to myself on purpose but I want to think of my mom, my step father and my grandparents. I have three half sisters on my biological father’s side. My biological father died when I was like 2 years old. I remember a lot of things that happened in my early childhood like my father dying. I pray for world peace and an end to chaos and racism in the world. This world will change with more people who care that will change the world.
Early on I had been bullied badly in school by other kids who didn’t like me. I started to feel better about myself after I turned thirty. My 30s have been the happiest period in my life so far. I’m looking forward to my 40th birthday early next year. I’m a January winter baby too. I was born in the heart of winter but I realize now that I’m older that I can celebrate my successes in my 30s and thank God for where I am. The more I think about the more difficult times in my life like my childhood and my adolescent years I know it feels good to reassess my progress, how far I’ve come and to try to forgive others and leave the past in the past. Now is all I have. The spiritual awakening I had let me know that God is here with me. I say my prayers in the morning when I wake up. I shut down my laptop at 10pm. I take my medication at 8pm at night. I know if I am going to live a long life I have to do certain things to get healthier. That is why I eat mostly fish and vegetables and fruits. I limit what I eat to fish and occasionally I treat myself to some fried chicken too. I took certain foods out of my diet completely. I also do cooking as a hobby and a way to contribute to the household I live in. I am going to be doing some cooking for my mom, my grandma, my step father and myself. I cook breakfast for us all on weekends too.
I had most of my successes in my 30s. It gave me a chance to enjoy my successes because they happened shortly after I started to like myself again in my early 30s. I knew something had shifted for me when friends complimented me on my clothes or poems I wrote. I am happy to have the opportunity to publish my poetry in the newsletter at NAMI called the Messenger. I always see the glass as half full. I think of struggles I had as a child being bullied a lot. I think of the successes I have had with my blog and I’m filled with gratitude toward the people who nominated me and said my blog was great. When I think of all the things my mental illness stole from me I remember God causing a supernatural peace to wash over me letting me know I am never alone. My life’s trajectory gave me a chance to just enjoy my successes as a writer. I am also finishing up my course with The Institute of Children’s Literature.
I know God is right here with me. I pray for a better world and less war and chaos. I know some people don’t have the comforts that I have. My life is a good life though. I am happy with my choices. I need to be able to choose what I do. I wish this corona virus pandemic will be over sooner rather than later. I have been also thankful to God for the social supports I have at NAMI but I will be rescheduling my praxis core reading test once I get an email. I will probably arrange to take core in September one part at a time. I know if I study for an hour a day until I can get the okay from Disability Services at ETS.