My life kind of followed it’s own trajectory. I had successes after the age of thirty that made me feel so much better about myself and about my life and what I was capable of. I have been remembering times where I found it hard to go out or even enjoy things. I still am a work in progress but I don’t think of myself as mentally ill. I know life is what you make it. If life gives you lemons you are supposed to make lemonade. I know even when I had a lot of unfair circumstances I would never take my life. I feel blessed to have the things I have. So many people have less than I have. I think a person finds perspective when they say “I have things too. I may shop at Walmart or Target but so what there is more to life than labels on clothes.” I have a few items but mostly coats, jackets, socks and handbags. I don’t want to blow all my money on expensive things. I am on a budget. I want to teach my child this too. I will never blow money on material things. My birthday is coming up in January 2020. I want to be able to meet with my sister Alison. She is finishing her PhD program at Walden University. I admire that Alison is going to be finishing her PhD program. She is my half sister and we both had the same father. I want to just be able to meet in Manhattan for lunch. I want to be able to meet with her and to share my latest success and just say “I remember you saying I always had a gift with literacy, thanks big sister.”
When I was a little girl I had a cute little pink and white coat by London Fog that I wore during the winter I was in kindergarten. I had a jealous girl take my coat and throw it down a eight story building and when my mom came to pick me up my coat was soiled and it was ruined. I was just a little girl of four or five years old. I couldn’t explain how my cute little pink coat got ruined and became very dirty. I get myself nice things now that I’m older. I like to go out and dress nice but I still shop at Walmart and Target cause that’s what I can afford. I can’t shop in department stores for name brand clothes. I get deals and I just get things that look good on me. My favorite designer is Issac Mizrahi. He has a memoir coming out early next year. I hope I can review it. I plan to read it cover to cover and just be able to support Issac Mizrahi.
I won’t buy my child expensive clothes but I will buy them cute affordable clothes. I will shop at Target, Walmart, J C Penney, Macys and The Carter’s store. I also like Gap Kids. I will get the cutest little affordable clothes for my child. I want them to focus on just wearing clothes that they will soon outgrown anyway. I will be a good mommy.
I have nice memories of my uncle Colin as a child my uncle was a male figure I looked up and thought was a positive African American role model. He is very nice too. There were not a lot of African American males I knew who were also able to say they finished graduated school and I was also impressed by that. It was something I always told my uncle was really cool about him. My uncle is older. He works for Spike Lee. Spike is someone I also admire. I feel like film making is cool. For the history of cinema I saw Get Out with my friend a few years ago and it wasn’t that scary and filmmaker Jordan Peele won awards for it and I think he is very cool. I liked Laurence Fishburne. He passed away a year ago I think. I like Lee Daneils too. I feel like film and cinema in America is something very cool that these African American men that have made a name for themselves as filmmakers is something cool that can never be touched. I feel American because I was born in this country. I don’t really feel like I would want to live anywhere else other than maybe somewhere in the Caribbean.
I really like Alicia Keys. I am around her age. I’m 38. I love singer/songwriters. I feel like they are cool for singing and especially if they are like Alicia and have fifteen Grammy awards and write their own songs. I like her music. I love how she plays the piano. She is so cool and she seems to be down to earth. I like how in one of her music videos she has on a nice outfit playing the piano. She has a Yamaha piano too. To be a pianist is something very cool and to write your own songs. I just like and admire Alicia Keys so much.
I just want to say “thank you God for allowing your peace to wash over me”. One day at age 31 I had an experience with God and I felt a peace wash over me. I knew I had made peace with my illness that day. I sometimes struggle but I have this blessed assurance that I am not alone. I felt alone many times in my life even when I formed a few friendships and dated a guy I met online and then I took a break with a handsome guy that I no longer see anymore. I feel happier now. I know I need my sleep. I power down my laptop at 11 pm and then it’s lights out all over the house. I live with my mother and my stepfather. I want to meet a man and have a good lasting relationship. I want to become a mother. I have a good relationship with my mother and my mother’s side of the family. On my biological father’s side I have three half sisters. I became acquainted with my stepfather’s family too but we are all kind of not really close. I feel like I need to make sure I can trust people. I’m the kind of friend that never tells my friends secrets. I know it has not been easy for me but I don’t blame anyone else for my problems. I accept that I have a difficult illness and I’m a work in progress.
I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and I was having anxiety too. I have been up since 7 am. I am going to be working on my writing. I am taking a course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through my course. I need to work on my assignments and make them better. I will be in the library from 10 am to noon. Then I’m just going to chill until 12:30 pm a friend is picking me up and we’re going bowling and getting pizza.