I have started to try to face my fear of driving.

People make excuses for everything. I am going to take life by the horns. I am not going to let anyone intimidate me. I am a good driver. I am a new driver but I drive well. I’m going to get a little help from my mom once a week with driving. My mom supports me by taking me out to practice driving her Honda CR-V. I like Honda. I will be driving twice a week. Some days I will just relax and read in my room. I am reading a new book by Pastor Joel Osteen. I am about a hundred pages into his new book. I like positive ministers. I believe in God. I always have. My faith is what grounds me and carries me through the difficulties I have in my life. I have my mom. my family and my friends. I am forcing myself not to withdraw from life. I try to push myself to socialize more. I got my license. I need a car. My mom said in June I can get a car. I am looking at used cars online. I hope to get a used car by Labor Day weekend. Then I’ll go back to school.

I feel like I can carry on with my life because I like myself a lot and as I aged my self-esteem improved a lot.

As a child, I was bullied a lot. I enjoy writing about my experiences. I wrote poetry from age 9 or age 10 as a way to escape the bullying I experienced. Other children were horrible to me as a child about my skin color and basically, everything I did was criticized. I had hurt feelings. I feel sad sometimes but now that I am older I am glad that I had successes older doing cool things I enjoyed. I love my mom and family, but I make time for myself. I got so comfortable in my own skin as an older person that I am glad about it and I embrace what makes me unique. I try not to compare myself to others. I like myself a lot. I feel good on the inside about myself. I wouldn’t want to be like anyone else. It feels good to make that declaration. I am unique and there’s nobody else like me!

I was able to pass the road test on my fourth attempt.

I got my probationary auto license a week ago. I will get a few more driving lessons and in addition to that I will drive with my mom in the passenger seat to practice driving. I will be going out for a driving lesson this Friday. I want to buy my first vehicle by this summer. I want a used SUV. I like Honda HR-Vs. My mom drives a popular vehicle the Honda CR-V and I have driven my mom’s SUV a few times. I may continue to get some experience driving my mom’s Honda CR-V and then by Labor day weekend this year I hope I can buy my first used vehicle like a Toyota RAV4 or a Honda HR-V. I am glad I am driving. I am age 41 now. I will try to drive three or four days a week but I will not drive every day. I will have at least two or three days to chill out and not drive. I do not want to over-exert myself. I need to take care of myself by making sure I sleep well and I go to bed by 10 pm.

I was able to pass my road test on the fourth attempt.

I am proud of myself that on Friday, April 22, 2022 I was able to pass the road test on my fourth attempt. I am driving. I enjoy driving. I even paid for a few more lessons. Last Saturday I paid for a road refresher. I drove for two hours with a driving school. I enjoy driving a lot. I can’t drive every day. This Sunday is Mother’s day. I got my mom a nice gift and an e-card that will be sent to my mom’s email. I got my mom a nice denim jacket for spring that she can use. My mom’s birthday is two weeks away. I hope she likes the gifts I got her. I try to buy my mom a few nice gifts every year. We may get takeout lunch from a restaurant on Mother’s day for myself, my mom, and my stepfather Neil. I lost like forty pounds on my own. I hope to lose forty or fifty more pounds on my own. I did it on my own. I eliminated meat from my diet. I do a little Yoga. I try to walk a few times a week.

I have had my dreams come true. I became an author.

I studied English and Creative Writing in college because I had this dream of becoming a writer. I never had anything just given to me. I feel cool to say I am the author of my blog. I had difficult experiences in my life. I am thankful for my life. I realize more and more that life is a gift. I found it really hard to enjoy anything when I first had my psychotic breakdown. God and spirituality are my choices not trying to get back at people who never liked me. I believe in God. I embrace who I am more now at age 41. I don’t want to depend on anyone else. I want my own part-time job. I hope to publish a childhood memoir I wrote called Mama’s Little Helper. I would love to get my book published and to have my own book. I studied creative writing in college. I am even getting driving lessons. I can handle myself but I need to save money. I am applying for jobs. I want the independence of my own used SUV.

Passing my knowledge test at the DMV in NJ was a real confidence booster.

The third time I took the knowledge test at the DMV I was able to pass the knowledge test with 40 out of 50 questions correct. I barely passed but I passed and it was a confidence booster that I was at the very least about to get a passing score. The test had some challenging questions on it but I passed. I took the test in late August of 2020, and on the third attempt I was able to pass. The first two times I took the knowledge test I failed the test. On the third attempt, I passed and in spite of the challenges I faced I said: “Esha this time you passed you did it”. I started driving at almost forty years old. I know most people get their driving permits at the age of 16 or 17. Here I am getting driving lessons at age 41 hoping to pass my road test on April 22nd at noon. Driving lessons are something I enjoy and look forward to.

I have anxiety about my road test but I still push myself to practice driving.

I started the process of getting my driver’s license. Today for the third time I failed my road test. I need to stay focused while I am taking the road test. I have some anxiety about the road test. I decided to just try again taking the road test in two or three weeks from now. I want my license. I have been driving with an examination permit for over a year. I know I can at least pass if I try again. I got so much further today on the road test that I came close to almost passing the road test. One dumb mistake forfeited my whole third attempt. Now at least I know what to do. I even got lucky with an easier kinder road test examiner who almost passed me. I will use today as a reference point and make another road test appointment in two or three weeks. I will practice a lot and just try a fourth time. I am looking at used Camry sedans on the internet. I have a budget of ten grand. I will try to get a lower price on a good used Camry sedan for my first car sometime this summer.

I am interested in becoming closer to God through religion and spirituality. God is there for me. I appreciate my parents, family, and friends. I feel love for myself. I am a resilient person. I know I can help support my peers. Every peer I help or support the more useful I feel. I studied English and Creative Writing in college. I will try again to see if I pass the praxis core. I was off by ten points the second time I took the praxis core. I will take one test at a time. A classmate told me to break the test up. I found her advice to be really helpful. I have accommodations through September. I hope to go back to NJCU.

I go out driving. I am older. I am glad I took this step toward more independence for myself. God is good. I try to maintain a positive outlook. The more independence I attain for myself the better I’ll feel. I’ll feel my age.

I started to like myself a lot more as I got older. I am age 41.

When I was a child I was bullied and teased incessantly about my complexion. I had light brown relatives and relatives that were dark in coloring. I didn’t have weight problems as a child but I was a little husky. When I started high school a few months into my freshman year in high school I got my first period. I lost some weight. After years of poor nutrition and weight gain on psych meds I lost fifty pounds and feel somewhat better. I would like to take off some more weight but not that much more. I want to lose 100 pounds from my heaviest weight. I lost forty or more pounds eating vegetarian lunches and dinners. I like myself. I got a few new clothing items online. I feel pretty good. I have a difficult illness that is hard for me. I take my meds though. I am not a superwoman. I need to make sure I take all of my medication to be at my best. I don’t think people should be ashamed if they have a mental illness. I volunteer for NAMI and have for years. I value my role as a client at a mental health agency. People want to be able to reintegrate into society and not be stigmatized because of their mental illness.