Sometimes it is good to go through the process instead of looking at when you will reach the end. I try to be more in the present, and more in the moment as I get older. I need to think about my parents and my grandparents too. My parents made sacrifices for me, and I try to honor, and appreciate my parents. I think of people who are in my life that make my life better. I try to appreciate the people in my life who enrich my life. I don’t want to take things for granted. I pray every morning thanking God for a good night’s sleep and the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. I know God is with me in these difficulties. I praise God for being for me and working in my life. Faith in God will cause me to be victor and not a victim.

Even though I have had my share of haters it never stopped me from liking myself and seeing myself as just as good as any other person. I made a decision that I was going to embrace what makes me unique. I am celebrating my life but I still have days I push myself to get through the day. I made peace with my illness. I have the illness but I thank God every day my illness doesn’t have me. I really enjoyed quality of life over the years from my involvement with NAMI as a volunteer and a consumer.

I wondered lonely as a cloud in a sapphire sky. I formed a few friendships and I try to socialize more. I know I need people in my life. I need allies. I need supporters. I try to help my family. I try to respect other people and I have to respect myself. When I was a child I had a lot of family members around. My family lived a two-family brownstone in Brooklyn, New York. I am a New York native. I feel good to say I was born in Brooklyn. Biggie the rapper who got killed in the east coast west coast beef was a black Jamaican guy but he’s from Brooklyn. His mom was a Jamaican immigrant.

Being the person I am I have taken a big step in the right direction because I try to do things on my own more. I used to get teased a lot when I was a child about my color. When I turned thirty I started to feel better about myself. I had a lot of experiences where I was bullied as a child. My life got better as I got older. I started to feel better about myself. I cried a lot the other. The teasing hurt me but I always wrote about my inner conflict that is my illness. I am still loveable but let’s face it there is a lot of stigma associated with mental illness. I feel more confident now that I am older.

I believe in God because he healed me from schizophrenia. God healed the brokenness of my life. I can praise God because His power has been holding my life together. I have supportive parents thank God. One day my stepfather said “Ayesha will get social security benefits from my job if something were to happen to me.” I thank God I have my parents. My grandma is still alive. I know you can’t plan life, life happens. I appreciate people in my life who care about me enough to have worked for me and left enough money for me to be taken care of. However, I am trying to generate some of my own income by getting a part time job and writing for children as a hobby. I try to help my mom with laundry and cooking. Yesterday I changed my bed sheets and I got some help yesterday putting on brand new Queen size bed sheets and pillow cases. That spruced my room after I made my bed.

I accept myself as I am. I don’t want to change to look like someone else. I knew by my late 20s that something started to change in how I felt about myself. When I was a little girl I got teased a lot about the color of my skin. I was always teased and taunted by other black kids. I sometimes even experienced racism as a tween going to restaurants in the area and having some of the people not like me. I went to a Muslim school in my early childhood years that I don’t want to mention the name of. The school was mostly black and the teachers were the daughters and sons of the female principal. I would never share the names of any of the teachers because I don’t want to risk any problems. The kids in my neighborhood teased me a lot and said I was too black. I know not to worry about what people say about me. I am somebody.

I am on the adult road to getting my license at the DMV in New Jersey. I am going on a driving lesson this afternoon. I am trying again at passing my road test. I am not giving up. I failed my road test twice. I hope to pass on this my third attempt at taking the road test. I can do it. I want to at least pass my road test in September. I can upgrade to a probationary license if I pass. I want the independence of having my own driver’s license if I pass the road test. I have to practice on my own for at least a year before I can upgrade to a basic four year NJ driver license. I have my examination permit, I’ll take all 6 points of ID, and my documents to the DMV. All I need to do is breathe, go slowly, and pray to God that I’ll pass on my third attempt at passing my road test.

I am attempting to learn how to drive and as long as I pass my road test I can upgrade to a probationary license. I have a goal to get my license by September. I trust that God is with me in this fight to regain my sanity. I am sure that God healed me. I praise the great healer for his peace that washed over me one day and left me changed forever because the divine intervention came from God.

I appreciate my life. All of my progress in the past ten years led me to contemplate the good parts of my life as a whole. I know I am just as good as anybody else. I treat myself from time to time. I think of my mother and of my grandmother. I try to show my mom that I love her with a mother’s day gift and a nice gift for her birthday which is also in May. I get my mother a nice Christmas gift every holiday season. I try to give a nice gift to my stepfather for his birthday, and for father’s day, and a nice Christmas gift. I think of my grandma too. I make sure she has a nice birthday gift, and a nice gift for Christmas every year. I will appreciate my family members as they are getting older. I try to help my mom too. I always volunteer to do laundry for my parents and my grandma.

I try to not focus on me, me, me more as I age and I think of my grandparents and my aging mom and stepfather. My father died when I was a child. I miss my father but I will never see him again. I believe in God and I have always been an optimist. Some people are negative. I think of my grandma and my grandpa too. The had hard experiences and I try to take my grandma and get her some nice clothing items but I budget. I try not to focus as much on name brand clothing. I even want to get a silver car. I started wearing silver and crystal jewelry and not gold. I am forty and I also have a lot of nice fashion earrings and a beautiful crystal necklace I got as a gift.