The more I am able to do the happier I feel.

I have done quite a bit of volunteering at NAMI over the years. I had quality of life too over the years as a volunteer and a consumer of the social group for adults. I have never had much popularity in my life. This is one of the coolest opportunities I have had where I can stand out and just be myself and share things getting four nominations will be one of the coolest experiences I have had. My illness is really difficult for me even though I have had a few other successes for me life after turning thirty was a process of self discovery. I discovered that I am a cool person too. I may have quirks and differences but I have decided and learned to accept those things too. Getting compliments on my clothes and fashionable coats and jackets makes me feel really good. I now focus on being more frugal and only going to department stores when they have good sales because I can get more if I focus less on brand name clothes. Occasionally, I get a nice designer coat but I don’t focus on those things anymore. I have been putting a wardrobe together since last summer. I lost a significant amount of weight and I am looking for smaller size clothes to fit by this fall of 2020.

The moment I became more comfortable in my own skin was the moment I turned to God and spirituality.

One day I had a divine peace and calm wash right over me. I knew at that moment that peace was God my higher power. I have started praying for myself and my loved ones. I know God helped me to make peace with my difficult illness. My mental illness stole years of my life from me. I do volunteer work for NAMI Mercer NJ. I am retrying to pass the Praxis Core reading exam.  There are three parts of the Core exam there is reading, writing and math. I hope to get my accommodations letter approved. I know I can pass the Core reading comprehension exam if I get accommodations. I know I will pass this second time. I have been studying my prep book.

I envision a better world. I have hope for the future.

I am actually for world peace, I know God is bigger than the boxes we put him in and by that I mean along religious lines and also racial lines especially in the U.S.A. I know my identity was formed by learning things that were different that I question sometimes because my childhood was spent at a school that taught us things that were different and the world is changing for the better. God sees our hearts and says we can have impact but we need to think about the next generation too. I feel cool if someone likes my blog but I have a social media presence only because of the bloggers here on WordPress. Different countries liking the content makes it cool for me. I notice so many foreign countries and I think wow this is cool too. This is the first experience I have had like this.

I now understand why life gets better after your 30s.

I was a young girl of about twelve years old in high school. I was teased a lot for my dark complexion. It wasn’t so much what I was eating but what was eating me. I was an emotional eater. Certain things about racism are just hard for me as a black woman but I think of the Tupac song “Keep your head up”. I have often gone back or returned to writing in my journal and writing poems. I know now it has been something I felt like I was able to heal from years of past hurts, things that really affected me as a child. I kept journals. I was Karima wheat and I was told I was too dark too black but I got some compliments too. I never made a big deal about it. Sometimes when I think of Northern racism I remember so many unexpected beautiful surprises in my 30s. It’s been my best decade yet. I know this was a part of God’s plan for me. My advice to people is don’t plan your life. Let yourself just take it one day at a time. There’s no need to worry about the future. God is in control.

As a woman self love gave me my life back.

I once had a conversation with my psychiatrist and luckily she asked me if I wanted to stop smoking. This was more than five almost six years ago. It will be six years ago this July. I am looking forward to summertime. I am true to me. I know sometimes not everyone is going to like me. It was my experience to have opportunities available to me in what I studied in college English and Creative Writing. All I need is to be able to pass Core. I know God is right here with me. I miss my biological father, I feared losing my mother since I was a child. I need to focus on the present because I want to also be there for my mom. She is such a good natured wonderful person and she is the only person I experience unconditional love with. I am so self centered but even I know that it’s not all about me. Maybe I can help my mom and family more and just be safe. Once a man in a Nazi uniform was walking by when I was driving in the car with my mom driving. I know I am not going to let anyone stress me out but it is not easy in the Trump-era. I also realize I’m not the only one who struggles with mental illness. It is so different than I thought it would be and I had a supportive mom and also stepfather.

I find myself able to trust God even though my life has had rocky times and chaotic times too I know I am a child of God and He’s not finished with me yet.

I try to work on myself as much as I can. I plan to retry to see if I can pass the Praxis Core reading test. I registered for the test. I need to wait four days. I also plan on taking Photography classes at Mercer CCC to learn how to use my Samsung digital camera. I feel just so happy that I am on this WordPress platform now. It feels like I am a valued contributor and I just love that. It makes me smile even on a bad day. Mental illness really doesn’t discriminate by race because people that have mental health problems are often ostracized because of their mental illness. I found a creative outlet in art and blogging. I am also a poet. I want to write for children and teenagers. I may be able to publish some Narrative Nonfiction too later on this year. I should be finished with my course with the Institute of Children’s Literature around Christmas.

I now see my successes as something to really celebrate.

This year I had my 39th birthday and it was a happy one. This blog of mine made it one of the happiest birthdays I had in a long time. I am more true to myself now that I am older. I never had an experience quite like this one. I thank God for the successes I had in my 30s. I am a 39 year old lady now. I have to woman up. I am never going to really be able to change even stupid mistakes of my past. I am a volunteer and I was employed part time for a few years but I hope to be able to just become a children’s book author and I will be taking the Praxis Core exam again. Once I pass the reading portion of the test I have two essays to do and forty multiple choice questions. They gave us an overview of the test. I was given advice to take one part of the test at a time. There is reading, writing and math. I know I can pass the reading and I studied for an hour this morning. I am also reading L is for Lion by Annie Lanzillotto.