I can’t wait to turn forty in January 28, 2021.

I am thrilled that I will soon be able to upgrade to a probationary license. The adult road to driving in the state New Jersey requires only three months of supervision, which is half the early bird road, and young adult road. I took advice from someone who told me not to judge myself. I feel so good behind-the-wheel in the student vehicle, and I have been doing well, and plan to schedule a few more driving lessons. I took a big step, but I am just going to get more driving lessons, and my driving instructor has told me he taught a lot of the young people in the area I live in how to drive. He’s very nice too. I

Sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side if people have more than I have, but I want to be a good steward of my own things. I don’t want to covet other people’s things and blessings. I feel gratitude for every thing I have in my possession. I am trying to buy a preowned vehicle by next January 2021 and get the vehicle in my name. I will be going to look at vehicles in December and talk to a car salesman.

I am coming up on my fifth driving lesson. The lessons are two hours at a time, but it is good practice going out and being in the driver seat and driving with the help of a driving instructor. I will not judge myself. I can learn the skill of driving. I am looking forward to another driving lesson this Friday morning at 10 am.

Becoming comfortable just the way I am changed my life. I won’t change.

Sometimes when I was a little girl I got bullied by other kids badly. I would get called names like “blacky” and “too dark” and “darky” but one day I had a supernatural peace wash over me and it changed my life. My mom once told me my father got very different treatment from the other members of his family because of his skin color. I have grown very comfortable in my own skin now that I am older but that was not true for me as a kid. I got bullied a lot. I was stressed at school in third or fourth grade and a female principal at a Muslim school that even taught us Arabic and French skipped me twice as a nine year old girl. I was a smart girl but just about every compliment I got was like “pretty but dark” or “pleasant and nice but no”. I was healed by the great healer. This peace washed over me, and God’s divine intervention caused me to sleep better. I entered into rest because God my heavenly father said to me “daughter you are healed receive your healing from God”.

I am taking risks, and it feels cool. I know God is with me in this fight, and it inspires me every day to keep going, and not to stop even if I am afraid. I’ll keep trying to push pass the fear. I’ve been driving for two hours at a time once a week for a few weeks now. I am scheduled to go to the DMV at the end of November to take the road test. I had an older female friend give me advice and she said “Ayesha don’t judge yourself you can do it!” Sometimes if I feel discouraged I encourage myself, and I say to myself “I can make it, I can, I can, and I will”. The relationship I have with my mom is a good one. She and I have had some good times. I am working on getting my probationary license soon, but for the adult road at the NJ DMV you need to practice for at least twelve months that equates to a year before you can get a basic driver license. I will keep getting my driving lessons through November and December of this year 2020 and I will not judge myself. I can do it!

I feel so blessed to be able to stand out now that I am older. I try to appreciate my successes because I had them older. As a child I got bullied badly. I always got called names and got bad verbal abuse from other kids and older kids too, but I thank God for His divine intervention in my life on my behalf. God caused me to have a supernatural healing that restored me back to sanity. I was a really broken person. I never had much popularity to speak of before my blogger award nominations I got, but I managed to at least become really comfortable with myself the way I am. I was a slender little girl who stuffed my feelings and I often got criticized and always felt ostracized by others. I know me having successes older is not something I overthink. For me it’s cool because I am drawing attention to myself. I know I couldn’t have dreamed of a better outcome. This is amazing!

I like that I am able to stand out now that I am older. I know trying to be like someone else makes us feel extra self conscious and I dealt with bullying from other kids when I was a little girl but I am trying to let go of the hurt feeling and pain. I have been able to stand out in my 30s. It’s not everyday that miracles happen but I have had God’s divine intervention and healing in my life. I pray and try to think positive thoughts. I know God sees me where I am. I am happy more people know my name through the years of writing I did in creative writing workshops including memoir writing and also my course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am going to be waiting to see if the library reopens in the next two weeks. I am getting closer to finishing my course.

When I was a little girl I didn’t know what I would be and here I am.

As a little girl no matter what I did I got bullied a lot. I always felt sad when I was verbally abused, but I felt like I was a pretty little black girl but due to colorism and the color I was I often got told I was “too dark” , “too black” and some kids called me “blacky”. I became more comfortable the way I am as I got older, but it was really hard for me as a kid to be teased, and taunted by other kids. The way I treat myself older is to be good to myself on purpose. I know how hard mental illness is for the bloggers that also have mental health blogs I know for all of those guys their illness is hard for them too. I have a difficult illness. I pray though and spirituality gives me my hope and keeps me grounded and helps me to be honest with myself and others.

I went out on my second driving lesson this morning. I did 100% better this time my driving instructor told me. I was really driving well and I felt excited to be behind the wheel that I was able to drive in the driver’s seat. I liked the guy that was teaching me how to drive. I try not to judge myself. I can learn how to drive and be older. I say to myself “Esha you’ll be fine don’t judge yourself because you’re thirty nine years old now.” The adult road is age twenty one years old and over.

The independence of driving and saving up for my own vehicle is something I am actually going to be able to do by early next year. I am excited. I also will try to get a road test package from the driving school I am using. I’ll get three or four more two hour lessons from the driving school and then go online to schedule a road test by early October 2020.

I am so excited that I am where I am now. I can take a breath and see that I am not alone. I want my life. I see my own unique name too as something that makes me feel special. I had some hard lessons to learn but I started to own up to my own behavior. I know the moment I sign my author contract I will feel happy. I never want to have anyone else tell me what I should or should not study. Since I was in my 20s I had been working toward the goal of becoming a writer. By early next year I will realize my dream of having my own YA romance book or autobiographical children’s book.

I am good to myself now that I am older. Many things that happened to me in the past I could not control. I feel productive when I am working. I work part time. I do volunteer work also. I try to not put too much on my plate. As long am I am working toward my goals I keep in mind not to add anything else to my list. I am waiting to hear from ETS to see if my accommodations request is granted. I will wait another month and then I’ll check my email for the decision ETS makes. God is good! I will always pray and thank God for His divine intervention in my life. None if this could be possible without Him. “God is the peace in the madness that I can’t explain”, but I thank Him so much for caring about me and for being God. I have never had good relationships with members of my family, but I chose to distance myself from certain relatives. I want to stay away from smokers. I have been smoke free for six years now, and I will continue to say no to drugs and cigarettes.