I had to post this post today because it’s MLK day.

This is a holiday that wasn’t always observed even at schools. I think of my experience in schools that were diverse even early on as a child. I could never begin to describe struggles I’ve had in my life. I like myself. I think of my successes and I try to cheer myself up. I actually paid to take a special class offered at the community college I went to Mercer County College. They have a WordPress Complete class offered that I paid $240 of my own money just to get more savvy with it and it has four sessions so that’s not bad I just need to try to be there on time and just attend all four sessions and I may even be able to have the instructor help me if I bring my blog password and he gives me a tutorial during breaks or helps me out once we get half way through class that is two and a half hours we get a 10 to 15 minute break.

I feel so much better even though I may have a mental illness it doesn’t make me any less valuable as a member of society.

I plan to have an experience doing jury duty in February despite my mental illness. I have had many struggles in my life in school from grade school all the way up until college. I am proud of myself even just in working on my own memoir. I know sometimes I feel criticized by some people but if I tell you a secret sometimes just the way I am being embraced by the blogging community was all it took for me to connect with other bloggers especially the ones that like my blog and Mister Stuart and Miss Michelle the two special people that nominated me and a bunch of other bloggers for blogger awards.

I managed to be resilient in life despite difficult circumstances of my childhood.

I always got bullied in school as a child. I always liked school though. I also managed to feel good about myself despite the things other people did to me or just unfair things people did to me like bully me. By the time I was starting high school my freshman year I started to hear distant voices and all it took was an encounter with racism in my sophomore year in high school to cause my early onset of mental illness. I thank God I have NAMI the organization I volunteer with and I’m also a consumer of. I try to stay out of trouble. I have plans to finish up my course in writing for children at The Institute of Children’s Literature later this new year 2020. I have been through some tough times but I always put a smile on my face because I managed to be resilient and feel good about myself despite what people say about me. I just know deep down on the inside that God is in this fight with me. Giving up is not an option. I will keep fighting this battle with my mental illness. My life is pretty good despite my illness. I am excited about writing for children in the near future. I hope to have children’s books credited to my name and I also hope to publish a memoir. I disagree if anyone says because of the traumatic circumstances in my childhood it gives me a pass or a reason to be angry about the past. There were still very nice aspects of my childhood too. I understand now that I need to appreciate what I had and now that I’m older appreciate what I have.

I try to remain positive in a chaotic world.

When I think of how much progress I have made even positive experiences I have had in the past I’m sure that God is there in the details of my life. I know God was always the unseen hand in my life that I was not always sure of myself because honestly I had my share of doubts but in the past eight or nine years I can say I am sure of the existence of God. I had a peace wash over me eight years ago one day when I was anxious not knowing what I was going to do on that day. For the first time in my life I was sure that God was right there with me. I felt overcome with sadness that day and God was there to remind me that although I may have felt alone or like I was all by myself I wasn’t. The condition of schizophrenia is a difficult condition to have. I would hear very critical mean voices. I’d feel really sad sometimes and lonely. I got to a partial care program that I’ve been going to for a few months. I got certificates for perfect attendance October 2019 and November 2019 and also December 2019. I am looking forward to my 39th birthday on January 28, 2020 and just appreciating my life and the people God placed in my life too. I feel less alone.

I have gotten help from attending a partial care program called AAMH.

I had so many deaths in my family over the past couple of years. I feel like now that I decided to become a teacher more people are saying things about me and I don’t feel I’m any less competent than anyone else. I make my own decisions in life. First I think of myself and just being less hard on myself but my therapist told me I’m very smart and I am. Life is what you make it. You only get your one life to live. I’m going to keep fighting this difficult battle with schizophrenia. I know people don’t determine my self worth God does. When I get anxious or sad or someone says something negative about me and I wonder what causes people to always talk shit about me I have learned as someone that has mental problems since I was in high school not to be hard on myself. The first thing I’ll do is get my basic driver examination permit.

I feel like I’ve been here before.

Sometimes when I was a child I had kids tease me really badly because of the color of my skin. I was a pretty little black girl too but in the African American community color is different and if someone didn’t know that they would soon find out. I had two very kind people in my life my uncle Colin who has his MFA in Film works for Spike Lee and my wonderful mother who is so caring, kind and nice but I was really sensitive too and I got bullied. Life was just different for me. I was a chocolate girl and when someone describes their experiences in life and tells you honestly what their life experiences were like you would learn things you would not otherwise know. I learned to accept myself but I had some unfair things happen to me and I know I’m not alone but all of the people I interact with or say they like me I feel good because I was victimized by people who just didn’t like me. I was always the last girl picked. I felt happy to be empowered by some of my female professors. I also think about women in history and people I admire like poet Emily Dickinson or Justice Bader Ginsburg.

I see myself as a competent person. I know sometimes even the way I see myself may be different from the way others see me.

I am a kind person. I like when other people say I’m nice or easy going but I try to be kind to people on purpose. Sometimes even people that I know may have the same struggles that I have may even say “oh Ayesha has the same mental illness I have” even if our diagnosis may differ  but for years it was really hard for before I had the support of NAMI. I can tell you from experience mental illness is really hard. Being able to do so much more with the advances in modern medicine one day sounds nice to me. When I think of medicine and research for mental illness I know I think of wholistic alternatives rather than a psychiatrist but maybe we need both. I know the Bible verse that says “laughter make the heart merry like a medicine.” The more I laugh and enjoy myself the less stressed out I feel. A few jokes a friend and I have the happier we each are in that moment. The successes of my blog are happy successes. I always dreamed of becoming a writer I even wanted to have a chance to put MFA after my name but that didn’t work out. I admire poet Natasha Trethewey but I know she was one of the first females I saw that had that so many successes as a poet and the south is different from the north but there is still racism here I just find more people are very nice and approachable here in New Jersey where I live. I know even in Brooklyn everybody pretty much rides the bus or the train and once when I was a child in school in Brooklyn a bus driver put me off the bus for being ten cents short. I try to be careful but thank God from the train my bus ride is less than 15 minutes and as long as I say getting off at NJCU I’m okay. Things sometimes happen and the bus fare even went up five cents last year. I need to have the fare or I’m in trouble.