I see myself as a capable and competent person.

I have learned that your choices make your life. Any choices I made after I was legally eighteen years old I stand by. All of my decisions were my own to make. I am trying to finish my course in writing for children and give my course all of my attention. I am also taking the road test for a second time. I will pass. I need to encourage and reassure myself that I can do it. I won’t give up and I will try to pass my road test the second time around. I want to get my first preowned vehicle in my name too. I want the independence of my own vehicle. I am a big tall lady. I am 5’9 or 5’10. I like being tall. I lost almost fifty pounds when I went vegetarian. I did it all on my own. I am watching my waist line. I am really trying to lose like thirty or forty more pounds and make sure to eat my salads and fruits and vegetables. I drink diet soda and unsweetened tea.

I am good to myself on purpose.

Many of my successes happened older. I try to be good to myself and not beat myself up if I am critiqued by others. When I think of how hard my mental illness has been for me I feel sad. I have things I do that are cool though. I always treat myself to a relaxing calming warm shower every morning when I wake up. I pray also. I have been praying and seeking God first thing in the morning when I wake up. I believe that God is for me. I know because I had a supernatural peace wash over me one day in my early 30s. I will be turning forty in two weeks and I look forward to my 40th birthday. It will be a milestone birthday for me. I’ll be the big 4-0!

I believe in God. I am having quite a bit of cool successes older. I thank the Lord for these experiences I have had in my 30s. I applied to a few Master’s degree programs. I shared a spooky Halloween story with a small audience. It felt cool that everyone seemed to like the story I call the story “black kitten”. It was so cool to have shared a short 100-word memoir with a small audience. I have been to a few open mics. I just love poetry.

The moment I accept that I can’t solve all of my problems I reach a figurative crossroads or point in my life where I can actually see own my progress myself. I acknowledge that even though it’s not glamorous it is my life. I can heal my life. I enjoyed Louise DeSalvo’s book Writing as a Way of Healing. I like woman writers more than male writers. Once I heard memoir writing being called “misery literature” by an older woman who taught memoir writing classes. I really enjoy reading memoirs but memoirs written by women. I don’t have to live in yesterday or the past thank God. I try to be good to myself. I’m trying to start by taking things step by step, and honoring the process. Life is not an event it is a journey. I know life can be hard sometimes for us all, but one day it dawned on me I realized that my own life is a gift to me from God. No one is promised tomorrow so I am living for today. I think of the time I have left.

I have a happy childhood poetry story.

One of my favorite things I remember from my childhood is my happy childhood poetry story. In fifth grade I experienced a lot of bullying. I always got verbal abuse from other children even older kids, and though I like to say sticks and stones may break my bones but words didn’t hurt me their the verbal abuse did. I feel cool about the success of my blog though. I had a lot of hard early experiences too. I know all I can think of is happiness as a newbie writer and the experiences I had with being nominated four times in the past two years. I also have a brand new 2021 wall calendar with Paris and the Eiffel Tower on the calendar. Whenever I have a success older I am filled with gratitude for this blogging community.

I am looking forward to my fortieth birthday in late January 28, 2021.

I feel more myself now that I am older. Some days can be hard but other days I am happy to be alive. I had blood clots in my lungs a bad health scare. I have been smoke free for over six years. I say no to urges to smoke. I try to stay away from convenience stores too. I do some shopping at Walmart only for cleaning supplies and hygiene products. I quit smoking over six years ago with Chantix. Chantix worked for me. I will stay smoke free. I am going to continue to be smoke free. I want to live. I want my life. I know God has been blessing me. I even have had many of my successes older. I stay inside and focus on being more present. When I was in the hospital I was being treated for blood clots in my lungs. I smoked for a long time but by my early 30s I felt like I needed to stop smoking. A caring doctor prescribed Chantix and it took away urges to smoke from me. I think now that it’s more than six years I have been smoke free I can continue to say no to urges and people who might ask me if I want a cigarette. I say no. I became a vegetarian too. I lost like 40 or 45 pounds after a few months gone meatless. All I eat is fish and seafood.

I want to be free to be myself.

I want to find a partner who I am attracted to and can get to know. I don’t believe in premarital affairs or any other sexuality like lesbianism. I know God is blessing me in this season of my life. I felt really sad when I got bullied all through K-12 in school. I am going to be forty but I thank God everyday I feel good just the way I am. I don’t want to have to be like any other person. God don’t like ugly. Nothing is more of a turn off than someone who hates themselves and practices self loathing. I feel good about myself. If I get photos with friends I thank God for years of quality of life. I enjoy being a volunteer at NAMI. I do a lot of peer to peer events, and I facilitate a support group. It keeps me sane. Now I do ZOOM chats online but it feels good to be in a good place. Happy holidays y’all!

I know there may be different opinions about this but I think it shows signs of maturity when you try to learn from the mistakes you made in the past. I don’t focus on the past. I am trying to be more in the moment with the time I have left. I know we all make mistakes in life myself included but for younger kids especially if the kids are really young every thing from skipping school sometimes called truancy for children in high school or middle school. Playing hooky was what they used to call it. The country and NAMI National recently started creating more programs for kids to get a few mental health days I think elementary and middle school aged kids may get a few mental health days every school year or marking period. Kids in middle or high school have IEPs but the kids deserve a few mental health days school year. NAMI has newer programs that started a few years ago reading the NAMI Advocate magazine. I think this is a great step. I used to volunteer with Just Kids the kids program.

I don’t sweat the small stuff. I feel like my maturation process is good for me. It feels good to have come a long way from where I started. I was a bullied kid. Now all that is left is cyber bullying but I am older and wiser. I am Internet Ayesha now!

I have goals. I try to set short term goals and long term goals. I know if I have goals that is fine but first ask yourself are my goals attainable? I also need to say Esha stop procrastinating. Girl you are the princess of

I thank God for being there for me.

My mother and my father had the best of intentions but only God has been there for me on days I felt like giving up or throwing in the towel. I see life as a journey especially now that I am older and have more perspective on things. I was like seventeen when I graduated from high school and it took me while to see in myself what God saw in me. My mother has been supportive of me and so have certain members of my family. I don’t have a lot of supporters but I try to support my supporters too. We all need a few mental health days a month even if we work. I appreciate God and I thank God for his presence in my life and His diving intervention. Can’t nobody do me like Him. I could not have made it this far without God. I think the reason the devil tempted God was to cause Him to bow down to Him instead of the devil bowing to God.