Sometimes it is good to stay in a situation rather than it is to try to run away from a situation.

I try to face challenges and difficulties in my life and not pretend they don’t exist. I had certain challenges in my life but it never stopped me from genuinely liking myself older feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I am just as nice the way I am. I am just as good as any other person. The enemy attacks me. I had been bullied by kids in school as a child. I used to get dissed a lot. I was teased a lot about my color. In my family family dynamics had always been stressful but I care about my mom and my family. I am thankful my mom always did nice things for me from time to time. My mom has her own life. I carved out my own little niche for myself. I wouldn’t want to do what my mom did. I like my role as a writer. I had to be true to my own choices and my own interests. I got advice to follow my dreams not have anyone tell me what to study or what path to choose.

I am in a silver or crystal phase.

I prefer wearing silver to wearing yellow gold. I like silver jewelry. I am in a minimalist mindset. I try to spend less. I try to only go to department stores when they are having sales. I like white gold too. I take care of myself. I try to take life each day as it comes. I know I can trust God. I have supporters but they are few. Sometimes my supporters get burnt out. I am stepping up to the plate more. I try to help my mom. I volunteer to cook a dinner for us all once in a while. I also try to think of my mom and stepfather as they are getting older. I want my mom to feel appreciated by me her daughter and only child. I always liked my mom. We have a good relationship. I try to always think of others. I try to be generous and think of other people before I think of myself now that I am older.

I try not to compare myself to other people. I don’t think the comparison works as well if I were to compare myself to people who look nothing like me. Being the first person like me to get four blogger award nominations was a really cool experience to have. However, if I were to compare myself to someone I don’t look like or someone who isn’t similar to me, I am sure it wouldn’t work because the person doesn’t look like me. I try not to compare myself to other people. As a forty-year-old woman I see wisdom in not comparing myself to people who don’t look like me.

I see wisdom and maturity in not comparing myself to others. I had some hard experiences but I have had some good experiences too. I am not giving up on my goal I set to get my license. If I get a few more driving lessons I will try again to pass my road test. I can do it! I’ll try again!

Sometimes it is good to go through the process instead of looking at when you will reach the end. I try to be more in the present, and more in the moment as I get older. I need to think about my parents and my grandparents too. My parents made sacrifices for me, and I try to honor, and appreciate my parents. I think of people who are in my life that make my life better. I try to appreciate the people in my life who enrich my life. I don’t want to take things for granted. I pray every morning thanking God for a good night’s sleep and the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. I know God is with me in these difficulties. I praise God for being for me and working in my life. Faith in God will cause me to be victor and not a victim.

Even though I have had my share of haters it never stopped me from liking myself and seeing myself as just as good as any other person. I made a decision that I was going to embrace what makes me unique. I am celebrating my life but I still have days I push myself to get through the day. I made peace with my illness. I have the illness but I thank God every day my illness doesn’t have me. I really enjoyed quality of life over the years from my involvement with NAMI as a volunteer and a consumer.

I wondered lonely as a cloud in a sapphire sky. I formed a few friendships and I try to socialize more. I know I need people in my life. I need allies. I need supporters. I try to help my family. I try to respect other people and I have to respect myself. When I was a child I had a lot of family members around. My family lived a two-family brownstone in Brooklyn, New York. I am a New York native. I feel good to say I was born in Brooklyn. Biggie the rapper who got killed in the east coast west coast beef was a black Jamaican guy but he’s from Brooklyn. His mom was a Jamaican immigrant.

Being the person I am I have taken a big step in the right direction because I try to do things on my own more. I used to get teased a lot when I was a child about my color. When I turned thirty I started to feel better about myself. I had a lot of experiences where I was bullied as a child. My life got better as I got older. I started to feel better about myself. I cried a lot the other. The teasing hurt me but I always wrote about my inner conflict that is my illness. I am still loveable but let’s face it there is a lot of stigma associated with mental illness. I feel more confident now that I am older.

I believe in God because he healed me from schizophrenia. God healed the brokenness of my life. I can praise God because His power has been holding my life together. I have supportive parents thank God. One day my stepfather said “Ayesha will get social security benefits from my job if something were to happen to me.” I thank God I have my parents. My grandma is still alive. I know you can’t plan life, life happens. I appreciate people in my life who care about me enough to have worked for me and left enough money for me to be taken care of. However, I am trying to generate some of my own income by getting a part time job and writing for children as a hobby. I try to help my mom with laundry and cooking. Yesterday I changed my bed sheets and I got some help yesterday putting on brand new Queen size bed sheets and pillow cases. That spruced my room after I made my bed.

I accept myself as I am. I don’t want to change to look like someone else. I knew by my late 20s that something started to change in how I felt about myself. When I was a little girl I got teased a lot about the color of my skin. I was always teased and taunted by other black kids. I sometimes even experienced racism as a tween going to restaurants in the area and having some of the people not like me. I went to a Muslim school in my early childhood years that I don’t want to mention the name of. The school was mostly black and the teachers were the daughters and sons of the female principal. I would never share the names of any of the teachers because I don’t want to risk any problems. The kids in my neighborhood teased me a lot and said I was too black. I know not to worry about what people say about me. I am somebody.

I am on the adult road to getting my license at the DMV in New Jersey. I am going on a driving lesson this afternoon. I am trying again at passing my road test. I am not giving up. I failed my road test twice. I hope to pass on this my third attempt at taking the road test. I can do it. I want to at least pass my road test in September. I can upgrade to a probationary license if I pass. I want the independence of having my own driver’s license if I pass the road test. I have to practice on my own for at least a year before I can upgrade to a basic four year NJ driver license. I have my examination permit, I’ll take all 6 points of ID, and my documents to the DMV. All I need to do is breathe, go slowly, and pray to God that I’ll pass on my third attempt at passing my road test.