I’m trying to force myself to be more grateful.

I am blessed. I have God’s presence in my life. God healed me. He cared enough about me to heal me. I believe in God. I cling to my faith in God. No matter what comes my way I am going to stand my ground. I have found certain things in my life still kind of hard living with my mental illness. I am supportive of my peers. Mental illness can’t be seen you don’t know a person that has a difficult mental illness is suffering from a hard illness because you can’t see the illness, but the illness is just as real as diabetes or cancer. For the peers I have that suffer from a mental illness some of them can’t find a job they like that doesn’t judge their abilities to work and support themselves. I thank God I have my parents, but I am seeking more independence for myself, and I’m trying to get a provisional license upgrade in December. Driving will give me more independence. I can drive on my own with my provisional license.

I learned valuable lessons from my failures.

I think it shows maturity when you try to learn from your mistakes. I learned from my failures. Actions and reactions have consequences. I think first before I react to a stimulus. I know I have been through a lot but I believe in God. I was healed by God. I felt alone for a long time but I am making a conscious effort to pray and seek God. Spirituality saved my life. I got teased and taunted a lot as a child. I would feel so sad when kids would bully me. I was bullied when I was a child by these two high school drop out girls. I started to like myself as I got into my late 20s and early 30s. I thank God I can see myself through different eyes older. I am forty. I look forward to my 41st birthday coming up in January. I try not to just focus on myself. I think of my aging parents. I miss my grandparents. They are both deceased. I am going out driving tomorrow morning. I hope to pass my road test and try to obtain my license.

I will miss my grandma. My grandma passed away. I read a poem at her funeral and a few of my relatives said “this is a great poem Esha.” I was thrilled that my relatives said this poem came across. My uncle’s daughter read a psalm at the funeral and my older cousin Michael shared a story of his at the podium.

I will miss my maternal grandma.

Yesterday I lost my grandma. I will miss her. She and I did a lot of bonding while she visited our home. We live in a really nice home. I have gratitude for the relative ease in my life. I know my grandma was born in the 1920s. I have the ambition to become a children’s author. I have goals set for myself. I believe in God. God gave me a positive outlook. I try to be good to other people. I know not everybody is nice but I focus on how nice most of the people are. It is good to connect with other people in a group setting. I try hard to do more and to not isolate myself. I like group therapy better than one on one therapy. I was supernaturally healed by God one day when I least expected it God gave me a miracle. I didn’t feel safe as a child around certain family members. I had a cousin who stole from my mom a lot when I was a child. She and I spoke on the phone but it hurt me a lot that she would steal from my mom. I try to let go of the past. All I could think of was sharing a poem I wrote today to share at her funeral. I have this cute little black dress I have never worn to grandma’s funeral.

I have been more myself.

Even though I struggle with my mental illness the illness doesn’t have me anymore. I have good and bad days but I cling to my faith in God. I know even if I were to have setbacks and difficult experiences because of the peace I have on the inside I can be still and know that God is in this battle with me. I am not alone. Many times I felt alone but I am sure I am not alone. I have WordPress to thank for helping me to create my blog. I am so comfortable in my skin as a forty-year-old woman that I can tell that I have come a long way. There has been a lot of personal growth on my part. I don’t blame anyone for my misfortunes. I know God healed me. I made a few new friends and I let go of any animosity toward anyone else.

I never make a big deal about things because we all have our share of challenges in life. Race is not something that makes people that different from one another. I find racism to be a horrible thing. I have experienced racism. I had once had a scary experience in the car driving and seeing a man in a nazi uniform. I like myself a lot though. As a child I got bullied a lot. By the time I entered my 30s something changed in me for the better. I started to like myself more despite even my mental illness and my struggles in life. My illness does not define me. God favors and blesses me for he determines my destiny not people. I have my faith in Him. I cling to my faith in God. I’ll never stoop to low levels. I am going to take the high road. I like myself though. I have had haters all of my life but God is real. God is for me not against me. H blesses me. He healed me.

I will appreciate my blessings.

I am eating healthier trying to live longer. My illness is hard for me. I like myself despite my difficulties. I appreciate what I have. I try not to covet my neighbor’s things. I realize everyone has problems. Things may appear one way but I was healed by God one day. I know I have come a long way. I can see God’s hand when I look over my life. He is so good. I can’t change the past. I live in the present because I only have the time I have left. Health is important. I try to make healthy choices if and when I can. I like myself. I am not conceited don’t get me wrong but I am so comfortable in the skin I am in remembering hard experiences that were hard for me as a child. I know no one can take my soul away from me. Writing is something I really love.

I am trying to appreciate my family and friends more. I think of God. I think of Him healing me. My life is not perfect but my life doesn’t necessarily have to be perfect for me to appreciate it. I have been publishing poems in a publication at NAMI the organization I have volunteered for over ten years now. I got really comfortable with myself as I am. Bruno Mars a new recording artist has this song Just The Way You Are. I love it “when I see your face there’s not a thing I would change ’cause girl you’re amazing just the way you are…” I have always been the girl who was nice but not enough to get the man I like or the job I apply for but I really genuinely like myself.

I try not to judge myself or compare myself to other people.

I am celebrating my life older. I didn’t know I would have cool experiences older. I am forty now. I look forward to the rest of my life. I appreciate my family and friends. I try to take the focus off of me. Sometimes I need a few down days. I will trust God and try to stay on course. I am glad to say I am comfortable in my own skin. I embrace being who I am and not someone else’s idea of who I am. I believe God put me on earth for a reason. I feel like my life has a purpose. I am able to make a difference where I am. I am learning how to drive. I hope I can get a pre-owned car by December of this year. I am going on a driving lesson today.