I will miss my maternal grandma.

Yesterday I lost my grandma. I will miss her. She and I did a lot of bonding while she visited our home. We live in a really nice home. I have gratitude for the relative ease in my life. I know my grandma was born in the 1920s. I have the ambition to become a children’s author. I have goals set for myself. I believe in God. God gave me a positive outlook. I try to be good to other people. I know not everybody is nice but I focus on how nice most of the people are. It is good to connect with other people in a group setting. I try hard to do more and to not isolate myself. I like group therapy better than one on one therapy. I was supernaturally healed by God one day when I least expected it God gave me a miracle. I didn’t feel safe as a child around certain family members. I had a cousin who stole from my mom a lot when I was a child. She and I spoke on the phone but it hurt me a lot that she would steal from my mom. I try to let go of the past. All I could think of was sharing a poem I wrote today to share at her funeral. I have this cute little black dress I have never worn to grandma’s funeral.

I have been more myself.

Even though I struggle with my mental illness the illness doesn’t have me anymore. I have good and bad days but I cling to my faith in God. I know even if I were to have setbacks and difficult experiences because of the peace I have on the inside I can be still and know that God is in this battle with me. I am not alone. Many times I felt alone but I am sure I am not alone. I have WordPress to thank for helping me to create my blog. I am so comfortable in my skin as a forty-year-old woman that I can tell that I have come a long way. There has been a lot of personal growth on my part. I don’t blame anyone for my misfortunes. I know God healed me. I made a few new friends and I let go of any animosity toward anyone else.

I never make a big deal about things because we all have our share of challenges in life. Race is not something that makes people that different from one another. I find racism to be a horrible thing. I have experienced racism. I had once had a scary experience in the car driving and seeing a man in a nazi uniform. I like myself a lot though. As a child I got bullied a lot. By the time I entered my 30s something changed in me for the better. I started to like myself more despite even my mental illness and my struggles in life. My illness does not define me. God favors and blesses me for he determines my destiny not people. I have my faith in Him. I cling to my faith in God. I’ll never stoop to low levels. I am going to take the high road. I like myself though. I have had haters all of my life but God is real. God is for me not against me. H blesses me. He healed me.

I will appreciate my blessings.

I am eating healthier trying to live longer. My illness is hard for me. I like myself despite my difficulties. I appreciate what I have. I try not to covet my neighbor’s things. I realize everyone has problems. Things may appear one way but I was healed by God one day. I know I have come a long way. I can see God’s hand when I look over my life. He is so good. I can’t change the past. I live in the present because I only have the time I have left. Health is important. I try to make healthy choices if and when I can. I like myself. I am not conceited don’t get me wrong but I am so comfortable in the skin I am in remembering hard experiences that were hard for me as a child. I know no one can take my soul away from me. Writing is something I really love.

I am trying to appreciate my family and friends more. I think of God. I think of Him healing me. My life is not perfect but my life doesn’t necessarily have to be perfect for me to appreciate it. I have been publishing poems in a publication at NAMI the organization I have volunteered for over ten years now. I got really comfortable with myself as I am. Bruno Mars a new recording artist has this song Just The Way You Are. I love it “when I see your face there’s not a thing I would change ’cause girl you’re amazing just the way you are…” I have always been the girl who was nice but not enough to get the man I like or the job I apply for but I really genuinely like myself.

I try not to judge myself or compare myself to other people.

I am celebrating my life older. I didn’t know I would have cool experiences older. I am forty now. I look forward to the rest of my life. I appreciate my family and friends. I try to take the focus off of me. Sometimes I need a few down days. I will trust God and try to stay on course. I am glad to say I am comfortable in my own skin. I embrace being who I am and not someone else’s idea of who I am. I believe God put me on earth for a reason. I feel like my life has a purpose. I am able to make a difference where I am. I am learning how to drive. I hope I can get a pre-owned car by December of this year. I am going on a driving lesson today.

Sunday a day to reflect.

I am forty now. I have come a long way from where I started from. I don’t judge myself. I try not to judge others. I pray. I seek God more. Sometimes in the mornings I pray to God when I first wake up. God’s presence in my life made all the difference. I appreciate the prayers that were prayed on my behalf. I pray for myself too. I know God is in this battle for my sanity with me. I am thankful that God cared enough about me. God chose to heal me. I appreciate God. I appreciate people in my life that offer help to me. I know there are going to be times when my mom needs me and my stepfather may need me too. My parents are getting older. I try to help my mom a lot more. My mom is in her early 60s and my stepfather is in his late 60s. My parents and grandparents made sacrifices for me to benefit from. I appreciate my mother and my stepfather. I feel like I should help out more. I do laundry and from time to time I cook. I try to help my mom with bringing the groceries inside the house into the kitchen. My mom is my primary caregiver but she gets burnt out sometimes and we stay inside and I do laundry. I love my mom enough to do laundry without a need to ask for anything. I help my parents out no questions asked. Once in a while I cook for us.

Sometimes it is good to stay in a situation rather than it is to try to run away from a situation.

I try to face challenges and difficulties in my life and not pretend they don’t exist. I had certain challenges in my life but it never stopped me from genuinely liking myself older feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I am just as nice the way I am. I am just as good as any other person. The enemy attacks me. I had been bullied by kids in school as a child. I used to get dissed a lot. I was teased a lot about my color. In my family family dynamics had always been stressful but I care about my mom and my family. I am thankful my mom always did nice things for me from time to time. My mom has her own life. I carved out my own little niche for myself. I wouldn’t want to do what my mom did. I like my role as a writer. I had to be true to my own choices and my own interests. I got advice to follow my dreams not have anyone tell me what to study or what path to choose.

I am in a silver or crystal phase.

I prefer wearing silver to wearing yellow gold. I like silver jewelry. I am in a minimalist mindset. I try to spend less. I try to only go to department stores when they are having sales. I like white gold too. I take care of myself. I try to take life each day as it comes. I know I can trust God. I have supporters but they are few. Sometimes my supporters get burnt out. I am stepping up to the plate more. I try to help my mom. I volunteer to cook a dinner for us all once in a while. I also try to think of my mom and stepfather as they are getting older. I want my mom to feel appreciated by me her daughter and only child. I always liked my mom. We have a good relationship. I try to always think of others. I try to be generous and think of other people before I think of myself now that I am older.