Sometimes I think of when I started to genuinely feel better about myself was in my early 30s. I had quite a few successes in my 30s. I will be turning forty early next year and I take my life seriously. I want to put my best face and foot forward. I want to also be helpful to my family and friends too. I offer support to friends and I get support from friends too. It’s always nice for a friend to help me out with something and also wish me a happy birthday on my birthday every January. I feel so much less alone because I connected with a lot of my family and friends on Facebook. The moment I saw my sister Alison she told me “Ayesha you always had a gift with literacy”. It was such a nice thing for Alison to say. My sister Alison is actually a literacy coach and so is my aunt Kay my mom’s sister.

As a little girl I got teased a lot about my skin color. Now that I’m older all I try to do is reinforce all of the compliments or even positive traits I have to always think about the positive aspects of my life situations and try more to dwell less on the negative aspects though they may seem to linger I tell myself “enjoy things while the happiness lasts and try to let the past go.

For me I don’t want to try to be like anybody else that is not like me. It felt so cool to have my blog be doing so well on website. I know now that the more true you are to yourself the happier you feel. No one wants to have to live in the past. This is always going to be something I feel really good about. I felt really disconnected for a while before I started to come out of my shell I have the blogging community here to thank. I feel like I am a part of this community of cool people that all love blogging for their mental health.

I am feeling so much better about myself now that I’m older. I’m looking forward to my fortieth birthday next January 2021. It was a real struggle for me until I almost couldn’t believe when my spiritual awakening occurred in my early 30s until now. I am really amazed at how much happier I am now that I have been having successes with my course with ICL. I was also invited to enter ICL’s poetry contest. My instructor encouraged me to send a poem in to ICL’s poetry contest. Here goes.

I feel pride in my identity as a black lady but because of racism certain prejudices still exist against African Americans and others in The United States of America and elsewhere. I believe in God. My strong faith and conviction in my higher power keeps me sane and grounded. I’m sure God is with me in this fight. I know I am not alone. God is with me. I believe in God and I find it easy to forgive others and let go of offenses. I feel so much better about myself since God made himself real to me in my early 30s after having a spiritual experience when I was alone in the middle of a parking lot. As a little girl in my birthplace of Brooklyn, New York I got victimized and bullied a lot as a little black girl even before I had any weight issues. I actually became vegetarian a few months ago. I was able to lose like 50 pounds on my own without help.

My experiences as an eight or nine year old with bullying and colorism was just hard for me. I got picked last and I had been bullied at school on and off since third or fourth grade. I know God is real and he is a healer.

The trials I had in my life at different times until my time on earth are up taught me life lessons. I know I grew stronger because I was able to overcome so many obstacles but I thank God for the two people that nominated me for four blogger awards Mister Stuart and Miss Michelle. I got an opportunity to stand out. I felt so good about it. I believe in God and spirituality and the people that made this possible. I’m 39 but I feel like I’m Forever 21. I get told I look so much younger. I take that as a compliment actually.

I am proud of myself. I have become so much more comfortable with myself just the way I am. I had a lot of time alone with myself and I like myself a lot but when I was a little girl I got bullied a lot. I felt uncomfortable even though I went to a community college and then to a 4 year university, I know learning is life long not just college or school but there are adult schools too.

One day this happened a few years ago on a day that I felt like giving up I had a supernatural peace wash over me.

I would describe this experience as a pivotal moment in my life. I knew the peace of God surpassed my understanding. God was saying to me at that moment “here I am you are not alone daughter”. I discovered I wasn’t alone. I felt alone. I felt really sad. I felt like I was becoming aware for the first time that beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved and cared about me. I believe in God. I know he cares enough about me as his child. I’m 39 now. Back in my early 30s I had this divine encounter with a loving accepting God that forgave me and was there for me on a rough day. I sleep better also since I had the experience. Most nights I sleep well. I am less afraid or anxious about the future. The get better sleep at night since my early 30s the God encounter I had caused me to sleep better. I also lost over 45 pounds on my own. I try to sleep at night by 10 pm or so. I had insomnia a lot in my teenage years and in my 20s too. Now in my 30s from the year 2012 to now this has been my best decade for getting sleep and enough rest at night.

Me, myself, and I is all I got in the end.

I know it took being alone with myself for me to get more comfortable as I am and being able to say I really like myself. I was bullied a lot a child. I don’t wish to get revenge with my bullies and naysayers or the people that never cared for me. It’s their loss. At almost forty years of age I don’t seek revenge. The more compliments I go the more people wished me well the more I thought wow this is a good outcome. I don’t want to bring up the past. I am here now and I am so grateful to my supporters. I love being a writer too. I will be spending my time finishing up my ICL course. I want to revise a few assignments  and finish strong giving myself more time with my last three assignments. I was given a generous extension too until next January 2021. I will actually be turning forty too next January 2021.

In my early 30s when I had my first successes with getting my poems published in the newsletter I felt happier.

My role as a writer is my favorite role. I enjoyed mentoring at my alma mater Mercer CCC. Money isn’t everything. You need money to live but it’s not as important as friends and family to your happiness. I know my mom has supported me a lot. My grandmother is important to me also. People often fail to realize that you don’t have to be the most beautiful or attractive person to choose yourself and learn to accept yourself more and be more comfortable with yourself the way you are. All it takes is confidence and being honest with yourself. I had gotten teased about my color a lot as a kid. That was really something that was hard for me but after I turned thirty my self image and my life got better. I still have my good days and my bad days but I feel really good about myself as a person. It is different for each person but I was usually the last girl picked and I had self image issues as a little girl. I remember my grandmother and my great aunt saying she loved my eyes and that I was her great niece. I appreciate my life now. I don’t try to change how other people think of me. All the matters to me at the end of a day is that I really like myself and I’ve grown more comfortable with myself now that I’m older. I’m 39.