My experiences as an eight or nine year old with bullying and colorism was just hard for me. I got picked last and I had been bullied at school on and off since third or fourth grade. I know God is real and he is a healer.
I would describe this experience as a pivotal moment in my life. I knew the peace of God surpassed my understanding. God was saying to me at that moment “here I am you are not alone daughter”. I discovered I wasn’t alone. I felt alone. I felt really sad. I felt like I was becoming aware for the first time that beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved and cared about me. I believe in God. I know he cares enough about me as his child. I’m 39 now. Back in my early 30s I had this divine encounter with a loving accepting God that forgave me and was there for me on a rough day. I sleep better also since I had the experience. Most nights I sleep well. I am less afraid or anxious about the future. The get better sleep at night since my early 30s the God encounter I had caused me to sleep better. I also lost over 45 pounds on my own. I try to sleep at night by 10 pm or so. I had insomnia a lot in my teenage years and in my 20s too. Now in my 30s from the year 2012 to now this has been my best decade for getting sleep and enough rest at night.
I know it took being alone with myself for me to get more comfortable as I am and being able to say I really like myself. I was bullied a lot a child. I don’t wish to get revenge with my bullies and naysayers or the people that never cared for me. It’s their loss. At almost forty years of age I don’t seek revenge. The more compliments I go the more people wished me well the more I thought wow this is a good outcome. I don’t want to bring up the past. I am here now and I am so grateful to my supporters. I love being a writer too. I will be spending my time finishing up my ICL course. I want to revise a few assignments and finish strong giving myself more time with my last three assignments. I was given a generous extension too until next January 2021. I will actually be turning forty too next January 2021.
My role as a writer is my favorite role. I enjoyed mentoring at my alma mater Mercer CCC. Money isn’t everything. You need money to live but it’s not as important as friends and family to your happiness. I know my mom has supported me a lot. My grandmother is important to me also. People often fail to realize that you don’t have to be the most beautiful or attractive person to choose yourself and learn to accept yourself more and be more comfortable with yourself the way you are. All it takes is confidence and being honest with yourself. I had gotten teased about my color a lot as a kid. That was really something that was hard for me but after I turned thirty my self image and my life got better. I still have my good days and my bad days but I feel really good about myself as a person. It is different for each person but I was usually the last girl picked and I had self image issues as a little girl. I remember my grandmother and my great aunt saying she loved my eyes and that I was her great niece. I appreciate my life now. I don’t try to change how other people think of me. All the matters to me at the end of a day is that I really like myself and I’ve grown more comfortable with myself now that I’m older. I’m 39.