I had a relapse. I got out of the hospital a week or so ago.

I was inpatient at Capitol Health in Trenton for two weeks. I had a good experience there. When I was leaving the hospital one of the staff members at the hospital said “Ayesha you did really well.” I always participated in the groups they had at the hospital. My hospital stay was not easy but the doctor that checked my blood pressure and my eco-cardiogram told me I am healthy. I lost weight in the hospital by making healthier choices. I always ate my veggies and tried to eat less. My weight is a concern for me. I want to get my weight down.

My mood is low whenever it’s a rainy day.

I had the worst relapse and I was hospitalized for almost two weeks. I just got out of the hospital on Thursday of last week. My mom and my stepfather Neil visited me but I was having symptoms but they both came to pick me up when I was discharged from Capitol Health in Trenton a short term care facility. I went before a judge and everything just before I got the news I was able to go home last Thursday. I’m at home in my room. I go to Hampton partial care program now too. I went today and I go tomorrow and Friday from 9 am to 3 pm. Monday was Memorial day so we had that day off.

I needed to know what I believed in for myself.

I stepped out on faith one day and my whole life changed. I had made peace with my illness and in doing so I realized that I am okay and actually doing better than okay. I had been prayed for but I never had the personal walk with God my creator for myself. I went by things other people told me or said to me. Ever since I had an experience with God for myself where I was sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was real and there right beside me all the time I could really say “yes God is real I am sure of that beyond a shadow of a doubt for myself.

In retrospect I realize being in a good place and feeling better I’m the same person.

I’m still the same person. I am relateable. People say they remember me and that always feels good. I know I could’ve felt less happy being myself. That just isn’t true though. I guess I’m the exception to that rule. I feel really happy where I am doing what I’m doing. I’m 38 years old. I feel like I’m fine. I am working on a course to become a children’s book author. I always loved kids. I hope to be able to have a successful pregnancy by my early 40s. I haven’t given up on myself or on life. I’m excited to see what happens tomorrow and the next day taking it one day at a time.

I feel good today.

I’m working on my children’s literature course from now until the end of the summer. I had a really good time at The Olive Garden yesterday with Just Friends social group. I was able to go out and be social and I even took a photo with two friends Lisa and Carey. I felt good to get out of the house and enjoy a nice time at The Olive Garden restaurant. I had a great time. I am going to be taking the basic driver examination permit test this Friday again. I am going to say a prayer and just go over the manual and take the test Friday morning at 11 am before I go to NAMI to set up for the annual 5K NAMI walk on the first Sunday in May. I’m looking forward to walking and enjoying the day at ETS where the annual NAMI 5K walk is held. I will be asking for all the prayers I can get to be able to pass the test this time and so I’m able to get a driving school to provide me with driving lessons that has a good reputation like Garden State Driving School. I want to learn from a driving school. My parent agreed to pay for my driving school this spring or summer.

I had my share of disappointments.

I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness. I have been independent-minded since I was a child. I like to do things on my own. I feel better when I do things on my own from cooking a nice meal to taking a shower in the morning when I wake up before I leave for school or work. I like to do things a certain way on my own. I don’t want any assistance. I need help with organizing my clothes,with cleaning up my room and my bathroom. I have my own room with a lot of closet space and my own bathroom. I live with my parents in a beautiful new development for 55+ active adults in West Windsor, NJ. I find I prefer to live in community than live on my own. I have my parents in the house with me most of the time unless they go out, I go out or my mom goes to work. My step father is retired from his job. He’s in his mid-60s. My mom will be 60 in May.

I had some rough experiences I was able to survive.

Life is 90% what happens to you and 10% how you react to it. I’ve been through hard times in my life. I am 38 now. I’ve had to deal with hard situations. I feel like I’m handling it well. I know how difficult life can be but on the other hand I know everything that happens does so for a reason. If I’m saying to myself that may have been hard but you’ve come through tough or hard times before and you’ll make it through this too. I remember when I discovered I was spiritual and I had gifts of knowing things. I always felt like I had psychic abilities. I feel like it’s cool when I know things but I know most people that say that they are psychic really aren’t. I wouldn’t be the only one. Some people lie and say they are psychic and some people know a lot more about those kinds of things. I have these hunches that are intuitive and I’m almost always right. I also live with a very difficult mental illness.