I wondered lonely as a cloud in a sapphire sky. I formed a few friendships and I try to socialize more. I know I need people in my life. I need allies. I need supporters. I try to help my family. I try to respect other people and I have to respect myself. When I was a child I had a lot of family members around. My family lived a two-family brownstone in Brooklyn, New York. I am a New York native. I feel good to say I was born in Brooklyn. Biggie the rapper who got killed in the east coast west coast beef was a black Jamaican guy but he’s from Brooklyn. His mom was a Jamaican immigrant.

Being the person I am I have taken a big step in the right direction because I try to do things on my own more. I used to get teased a lot when I was a child about my color. When I turned thirty I started to feel better about myself. I had a lot of experiences where I was bullied as a child. My life got better as I got older. I started to feel better about myself. I cried a lot the other. The teasing hurt me but I always wrote about my inner conflict that is my illness. I am still loveable but let’s face it there is a lot of stigma associated with mental illness. I feel more confident now that I am older.

I believe in God because he healed me from schizophrenia. God healed the brokenness of my life. I can praise God because His power has been holding my life together. I have supportive parents thank God. One day my stepfather said “Ayesha will get social security benefits from my job if something were to happen to me.” I thank God I have my parents. My grandma is still alive. I know you can’t plan life, life happens. I appreciate people in my life who care about me enough to have worked for me and left enough money for me to be taken care of. However, I am trying to generate some of my own income by getting a part time job and writing for children as a hobby. I try to help my mom with laundry and cooking. Yesterday I changed my bed sheets and I got some help yesterday putting on brand new Queen size bed sheets and pillow cases. That spruced my room after I made my bed.

I accept myself as I am. I don’t want to change to look like someone else. I knew by my late 20s that something started to change in how I felt about myself. When I was a little girl I got teased a lot about the color of my skin. I was always teased and taunted by other black kids. I sometimes even experienced racism as a tween going to restaurants in the area and having some of the people not like me. I went to a Muslim school in my early childhood years that I don’t want to mention the name of. The school was mostly black and the teachers were the daughters and sons of the female principal. I would never share the names of any of the teachers because I don’t want to risk any problems. The kids in my neighborhood teased me a lot and said I was too black. I know not to worry about what people say about me. I am somebody.

I am on the adult road to getting my license at the DMV in New Jersey. I am going on a driving lesson this afternoon. I am trying again at passing my road test. I am not giving up. I failed my road test twice. I hope to pass on this my third attempt at taking the road test. I can do it. I want to at least pass my road test in September. I can upgrade to a probationary license if I pass. I want the independence of having my own driver’s license if I pass the road test. I have to practice on my own for at least a year before I can upgrade to a basic four year NJ driver license. I have my examination permit, I’ll take all 6 points of ID, and my documents to the DMV. All I need to do is breathe, go slowly, and pray to God that I’ll pass on my third attempt at passing my road test.

I am attempting to learn how to drive and as long as I pass my road test I can upgrade to a probationary license. I have a goal to get my license by September. I trust that God is with me in this fight to regain my sanity. I am sure that God healed me. I praise the great healer for his peace that washed over me one day and left me changed forever because the divine intervention came from God.

I appreciate my life. All of my progress in the past ten years led me to contemplate the good parts of my life as a whole. I know I am just as good as anybody else. I treat myself from time to time. I think of my mother and of my grandmother. I try to show my mom that I love her with a mother’s day gift and a nice gift for her birthday which is also in May. I get my mother a nice Christmas gift every holiday season. I try to give a nice gift to my stepfather for his birthday, and for father’s day, and a nice Christmas gift. I think of my grandma too. I make sure she has a nice birthday gift, and a nice gift for Christmas every year. I will appreciate my family members as they are getting older. I try to help my mom too. I always volunteer to do laundry for my parents and my grandma.

I try to not focus on me, me, me more as I age and I think of my grandparents and my aging mom and stepfather. My father died when I was a child. I miss my father but I will never see him again. I believe in God and I have always been an optimist. Some people are negative. I think of my grandma and my grandpa too. The had hard experiences and I try to take my grandma and get her some nice clothing items but I budget. I try not to focus as much on name brand clothing. I even want to get a silver car. I started wearing silver and crystal jewelry and not gold. I am forty and I also have a lot of nice fashion earrings and a beautiful crystal necklace I got as a gift.

I am not giving up. I started getting driving lessons. I need a few months to get better at driving. Driving is a skill I can and want to learn to get good at. I am driving and it feels good to be in the driver’s seat. I will retest and take my road test in early September of this year. I feel like God is smiling on me because God healed me. God is my source of strength to draw from. I believe in God. I know God is with me in my difficulties and oh what a relief it is to know I am not alone in this. I want to have as many allies as I can.

I look within for the solutions to my problems.

I try not to look outside of myself for solutions to my problems. I really like and accept myself the way I am. God made a way for me to be healed. I appreciate my supporters, family and friends. My parents are supportive. I thank God my health is very good. I look at the simple things in life because they have importance. I live with my parents. I try to not isolate myself. I am looking for a job. I am trying to be more productive and help my mom and my grandma and also my stepfather. I got a nice gift for my mom for Mother’s day and a card. I also got my mom a nice gift for the holidays a pair of boots for winter. I am from New York City. I always have friends tell me they can hear my New York accent. I was born and raised for my early childhood in Brooklyn, New York. I took buses and trains to school and most places I went. Once when I was twelve years old my mom had her car window bashed out broken and someone tried to steal her car. My mom got her license in her 20s when she was trying to finish college. My family need my support. I am getting driving lessons and hope and pray I can pass my road test in early September later this year. I want to get my license!