Author: TheAyeshaSite
I am a Black Guyanese woman. I'm thirty nine years old. I went back to college to take Early Childhood Education classes. I want to get a second 48-credit BA degree in Early Childhood Education by 2021. I go to NJCU. I have a BA in Creative Writing from NJCU. I graduated from NJCU in August 2015. I transferred to NJCU from Mercer. I have my AA degree from Mercer in Humanities and Social Science since May 2007. I write poems, I write memoirs, I'm a blogger and I am taking a children's lit course. I love reading memoirs. I also do book reviews from time to time. My favorite poet is Emily Dickinson. I grew up in Ewing, New Jersey. I live in Princeton Junction with my parents!
I recently celebrated my 40th birthday.
I got a huge white sheet cake with chocolate buttercream frosting and in pink icing it said Happy birthday Ayesha. I ordered my cake from Costco Wholesale bakery. I gave most of my birthday cake away but I hade a piece or two. I lost forty pounds on my own and I decided to give away most of my birthday cake. Turning forty and being in a good place is a miracle for me. I know God has been there for me. I pray most mornings when I wake up. I get up really early too. I have my phone set to alarm at 6 am. I am getting my sleep and refuse to stay up past 10 pm. I need my sleep. I turn in most nights by 11 pm. I know if I am really tired I need to stay up but I turn in earlier now. I know sleep problems trouble me once in a while so I make an effort to get my zzz’s.
I have had my share of difficult experiences in life. I thank God for supernatural healing but now that I am healed I started to pray to God. In my life since I was a little girl I had hard experiences no matter what I did. I was this hurt little black girl. I could barely go to school without getting bullied and talked about. I know God is on my side. I want my independence more than I can say. I am trying to get my license by the middle of February 2021. I pray to God I can just pass my road test.
I see myself as a capable and competent person.
I have learned that your choices make your life. Any choices I made after I was legally eighteen years old I stand by. All of my decisions were my own to make. I am trying to finish my course in writing for children and give my course all of my attention. I am also taking the road test for a second time. I will pass. I need to encourage and reassure myself that I can do it. I won’t give up and I will try to pass my road test the second time around. I want to get my first preowned vehicle in my name too. I want the independence of my own vehicle. I am a big tall lady. I am 5’9 or 5’10. I like being tall. I lost almost fifty pounds when I went vegetarian. I did it all on my own. I am watching my waist line. I am really trying to lose like thirty or forty more pounds and make sure to eat my salads and fruits and vegetables. I drink diet soda and unsweetened tea.
I am good to myself on purpose.
Many of my successes happened older. I try to be good to myself and not beat myself up if I am critiqued by others. When I think of how hard my mental illness has been for me I feel sad. I have things I do that are cool though. I always treat myself to a relaxing calming warm shower every morning when I wake up. I pray also. I have been praying and seeking God first thing in the morning when I wake up. I believe that God is for me. I know because I had a supernatural peace wash over me one day in my early 30s. I will be turning forty in two weeks and I look forward to my 40th birthday. It will be a milestone birthday for me. I’ll be the big 4-0!
I believe in God. I am having quite a bit of cool successes older. I thank the Lord for these experiences I have had in my 30s. I applied to a few Master’s degree programs. I shared a spooky Halloween story with a small audience. It felt cool that everyone seemed to like the story I call the story “black kitten”. It was so cool to have shared a short 100-word memoir with a small audience. I have been to a few open mics. I just love poetry.
The moment I accept that I can’t solve all of my problems I reach a figurative crossroads or point in my life where I can actually see own my progress myself. I acknowledge that even though it’s not glamorous it is my life. I can heal my life. I enjoyed Louise DeSalvo’s book Writing as a Way of Healing. I like woman writers more than male writers. Once I heard memoir writing being called “misery literature” by an older woman who taught memoir writing classes. I really enjoy reading memoirs but memoirs written by women. I don’t have to live in yesterday or the past thank God. I try to be good to myself. I’m trying to start by taking things step by step, and honoring the process. Life is not an event it is a journey. I know life can be hard sometimes for us all, but one day it dawned on me I realized that my own life is a gift to me from God. No one is promised tomorrow so I am living for today. I think of the time I have left.
I have a happy childhood poetry story.
One of my favorite things I remember from my childhood is my happy childhood poetry story. In fifth grade I experienced a lot of bullying. I always got verbal abuse from other children even older kids, and though I like to say sticks and stones may break my bones but words didn’t hurt me their the verbal abuse did. I feel cool about the success of my blog though. I had a lot of hard early experiences too. I know all I can think of is happiness as a newbie writer and the experiences I had with being nominated four times in the past two years. I also have a brand new 2021 wall calendar with Paris and the Eiffel Tower on the calendar. Whenever I have a success older I am filled with gratitude for this blogging community.
I am looking forward to my fortieth birthday in late January 28, 2021.
I feel more myself now that I am older. Some days can be hard but other days I am happy to be alive. I had blood clots in my lungs a bad health scare. I have been smoke free for over six years. I say no to urges to smoke. I try to stay away from convenience stores too. I do some shopping at Walmart only for cleaning supplies and hygiene products. I quit smoking over six years ago with Chantix. Chantix worked for me. I will stay smoke free. I am going to continue to be smoke free. I want to live. I want my life. I know God has been blessing me. I even have had many of my successes older. I stay inside and focus on being more present. When I was in the hospital I was being treated for blood clots in my lungs. I smoked for a long time but by my early 30s I felt like I needed to stop smoking. A caring doctor prescribed Chantix and it took away urges to smoke from me. I think now that it’s more than six years I have been smoke free I can continue to say no to urges and people who might ask me if I want a cigarette. I say no. I became a vegetarian too. I lost like 40 or 45 pounds after a few months gone meatless. All I eat is fish and seafood.
I want to be free to be myself.
I want to find a partner who I am attracted to and can get to know. I don’t believe in premarital affairs or any other sexuality like lesbianism. I know God is blessing me in this season of my life. I felt really sad when I got bullied all through K-12 in school. I am going to be forty but I thank God everyday I feel good just the way I am. I don’t want to have to be like any other person. God don’t like ugly. Nothing is more of a turn off than someone who hates themselves and practices self loathing. I feel good about myself. If I get photos with friends I thank God for years of quality of life. I enjoy being a volunteer at NAMI. I do a lot of peer to peer events, and I facilitate a support group. It keeps me sane. Now I do ZOOM chats online but it feels good to be in a good place. Happy holidays y’all!
TheAyeshaSite 