Author: TheAyeshaSite

I can remember an older male friend of mine saying I was a nut and in the same sentence he said I actually got a B in one of my college classes that wasn’t an easy class. I remember him because he always calls me Black Beauty and he will often shout that Black is Beautiful. This is a 72 year old Italian man but he says these things. I have to admit it surprised me that he really liked me and saw me as a Black Beauty. I love knowing that. I even wrote a poem about him. I am big mama and he’s big daddy. At our New Year Eve party on December 31, 2016 Lou walked past me and I swear to God he asked me “what are you in third grade?” I had passed him and I was messing with a noise maker and wearing a New Year party hat. He asked that question for a good reason but still. At Lasley’s picnic he said I was psychotic. I see a psychiatrist but my mind plays weird tricks on me all the time.

I sing myself. If I could call my first poetry book anything it would be “Song of Ayesha” and I don’t mind if people think I am self absorbed and uppity. That’s okay. When a person loves themselves everybody starts hating. If I hated myself people would say look she treats herself the way the world treated her but I say no to that. I buy myself the nicest things I can afford. I do well. I have enough and I am satisfied with being upper middle class. I wouldn’t want to be rich. I feel so good about myself that I can’t believe it myself. I know people are supposed to like who they are. Self love is sexy.

I got an A in Intro to Early Childhood Education last semester. This semester I am going to be taking ECE 210. I need to take the Praxis Core for Educators test in Reading, Writing and Math as soon as possible. I’ll take one test at a time and take all three tests by June 2017. I will make sure when I take the Praxis Core that I take it at ETS in Ewing, NJ. I’ll send my scores to NJCU and to the NJDOE.

This blog post is about Ed Meyers. He is my new therapist. He is already helpful and I have only seen him once. I can just tell Ed will go above and beyond what even the helpful therapists I’ve worked with will do to help me. I signed a form that Ed explained to me that he needed me to sign the first session. I see Ed again the first week of February. I know we’ll have a lot to talk about. I cannot afford to see Ed every two weeks but once a month seems like it will work out well. He is a kind Caucasian man and he is calm and extra nice. I know he probably thinks of me as a client and nothing more but I am a client and nothing more. The vibes I get from Ed are great. He’s definitely good natured and helpful. The best therapists are women but this man is helpful. I used to see Ken Kaine. Before that I saw a woman therapist who was really helpful and before that I think I saw a woman therapist too. I look forward to working with Ed and setting treatment goals.

I co-facilitate the NAMI Connection support group and I have done so since last April 2016 when I completed the training at the NAMI Mercer center. I love being a peer leader. You cannot co-facilitate the NAMI Connection support group unless you are a member of NAMI Mercer and live with a mental illness. I used to co-facilitate the support group years ago. I think I first trained in 2012. We are all working on ourselves myself included. Nobody has it all together. Everybody is not where they want to be. We are all works in progress. Even though I feel comfortable in my own skin and love being Ayesha there are days when my voices hurt my feelings with negative comments about me. I’m my own worst critic. I know that I never thought I’d get to where I am so I can really look back and see the hand of Almighty God saying “I love and approve of Ayesha. So Ayesha can love and approve of herself” To me that is more powerful than anything. The Bible said God so loved “Ayesha” “the world” that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

I saw a new therapist for the first time at AAMH. His name is Ed. He was very approachable and friendly. I could tell he would be helpful to me at our first session. He asked me a few questions. He asked me about me being Spiritual. I explained to Ed the difference between Religion and Spirituality. My mother’s cousin Sandra explained the difference to me. Ed was super fit handsome and extra nice. Ed seemed to be a very kind man. He treated me like a mature adult and Ed seemed to like me. Our first session went so well. I can’t wait to start working on Mindfulness and CBT with Ed.

I am Schizophrenic but I still manage to hold on to my Identity and sense of self. I know my Identity is something that can’t be erased and something that nobody can ever take away from me. With tears in my eyes, hurt feelings and emotions that can only be expressed through tears I remember just how far I have come from my Al-Karim days. I am really happy to have a part time job at Mercer. I’ll be 36 years old on January 2017. I am happy I got an A in Intro to Early Childhood Education. I am going for a 36 credit co-Education major. I’m writing my memoir too!

I am looking forward to 2017. I turn 36 years old on January 28, 2017. I am going to write the first draft of my book length memoir Ayesha’s Story: The Schizophrenia Memoirs by the end of 2017. I will keep my Mercer job until December 2017.  I am going to try to get my second chapbook manuscript published by looking in the Poets and Writers magazine classifieds and sending it to two or three chapbook publishers or chapbook contests. I want to finish my children’s writer course by December 2017 and to hopefully publish a children’s book. I will work on my children’s writer course for all of 2017 when I have free time. I am writing poems too. I will see if Cave Canem accepts my chapbook manuscript (2017).

My memoir is fifty five pages long so far. My goal is to for my memoir to be 120 pages long by next January 2018. I also want to be working on Assignment five or Assignment six for my course with The Institute of Children’s Lit. I want to have a 200+page book length memoir by 2021 when I turn age 40. I am a member of the NJCU Writers Workshop with Edi Giunta.

I just submitted four poems to Rattle magazine this morning through Submittable. I went on the Rattle magazine website and they said they were looking for poems written by poets with mental illness in particular so I said I’ll send in four poems and see what happens. I will hear from Rattle sometime next month in January of 2017. I enjoy writing poems. I have a chapbook.  I submitted another chapbook length manuscript to Cave Canem this past September of 2016. I am excited hoping I’ll get any of the four poems I submitted through Submittable accepted and published. I hope Cave Canem chooses my chapbook manuscript to publish!