God is the one I will always praise for saving this nerve wracked soul of mine. I had hard experiences but I had good experiences too. I had successes older. I thank God that I am healed. I will always believe in God. God is good. His ways are higher. His ways are better.
I feel overcome with gratitude to God for healing me. As a little girl I didn’t always understand and I asked questions a lot. I was an inquisitive child too. Now that I can see myself as attractive I can say I feel good now that I am older and feel better about myself. I felt like an alien a lot as a little girl who just always felt picked on or left out but not anymore. I have always felt people had other reasons for not liking me but I am not sweatin’ it. My 30s were pretty good and life gets better the more you start to embrace yourself. I know as a forty year old that although I have formed quite a few friendships I don’t need to focus on gaining popularity I can celebrate myself being infamous and becoming a writer.
I got a huge white sheet cake with chocolate buttercream frosting and in pink icing it said Happy birthday Ayesha. I ordered my cake from Costco Wholesale bakery. I gave most of my birthday cake away but I hade a piece or two. I lost forty pounds on my own and I decided to give away most of my birthday cake. Turning forty and being in a good place is a miracle for me. I know God has been there for me. I pray most mornings when I wake up. I get up really early too. I have my phone set to alarm at 6 am. I am getting my sleep and refuse to stay up past 10 pm. I need my sleep. I turn in most nights by 11 pm. I know if I am really tired I need to stay up but I turn in earlier now. I know sleep problems trouble me once in a while so I make an effort to get my zzz’s.
I have learned that your choices make your life. Any choices I made after I was legally eighteen years old I stand by. All of my decisions were my own to make. I am trying to finish my course in writing for children and give my course all of my attention. I am also taking the road test for a second time. I will pass. I need to encourage and reassure myself that I can do it. I won’t give up and I will try to pass my road test the second time around. I want to get my first preowned vehicle in my name too. I want the independence of my own vehicle. I am a big tall lady. I am 5’9 or 5’10. I like being tall. I lost almost fifty pounds when I went vegetarian. I did it all on my own. I am watching my waist line. I am really trying to lose like thirty or forty more pounds and make sure to eat my salads and fruits and vegetables. I drink diet soda and unsweetened tea.
Many of my successes happened older. I try to be good to myself and not beat myself up if I am critiqued by others. When I think of how hard my mental illness has been for me I feel sad. I have things I do that are cool though. I always treat myself to a relaxing calming warm shower every morning when I wake up. I pray also. I have been praying and seeking God first thing in the morning when I wake up. I believe that God is for me. I know because I had a supernatural peace wash over me one day in my early 30s. I will be turning forty in two weeks and I look forward to my 40th birthday. It will be a milestone birthday for me. I’ll be the big 4-0!