I think sometimes about Joan Diddion and P Diddy. I think about sunflowers and some of the sunflowers and my selfies on my cell phone and the decibels in headphones. I think about alot of things but not death and dying. Never the law. Never the legal city limits for people pushing me. I like Marianne Williamson. She is one of the 2020 presidential hopefuls. I love libraries. I love public places. I like things that are harder than hard core pornography with graph paper teaching people things in grade school just to feel like an adult and a child and saying and your lovely handwriting my dear. God would understand. 14 is a nice number too.
I try to focus on the positives in my story. I don’t think it’s good to go through your life looking at only certain people as having everything. I try to say I have had a lot of cool opportunities come my way. I see the people who gave me the opportunities I’ve had to be special people but my blessings to have come from God. I know everyone believes a little different but I have really had some cool opportunities come my way after my 30th birthday and I feel really blessed to have grown comfortable being myself from the shy awkward girl I was when I was 10 or 11 years old. I’ve come a long way and I want to honor my story in the way I tell it. I was a cute little girl. I have always been pleasant and friendly. My 30s are going really well. I feel better about myself than I ever have. I know God is always there and that He knows me and loves me. I don’t have feelings of anger toward anyone. I just feel so free to be myself. I know some of the things that I would have thought would gain power over me or caused me to have conflicts don’t anymore.
I have a memory of being a young woman in the house I grew up in and over hearing my step father say he liked my writing. This was one of the nicest memories I had with my stepfather. Another nice memory was when he told me he really liked a poem I published in the newsletter. I decided to write a poem for him. My older female friend that takes me to Nicotene Anonymous meetings gave me the idea that maybe I could write poems for my loved ones.
I feel okay today despite me not passing the Praxis Core. I just got my score for the Praxis Core Reading test. I got a 134 on the reading test. I needed a 156 to pass the reading. I am not sad though. I feel good that I took the test even if I did not pass. I have plans to go to a Montessori Teaching certificate information session on May 1, 2019. I think I want to become a Montessori teacher and work at a Montessori school. The program takes two years or so. I think that is what I’ll do. I got in to the Early Childhood Education major at NJCU but without passing scores on the Praxis Core for Educators Test I won’t be able to continue with my degree program.
My test started at 12:30 pm today and went until like 3 pm. I had accommodations for the Praxis Core. I took a 10 minute break too. I was able to finish the 56 question test within the allotted time frame. I am waiting 2 weeks to get my scores. I had my scores sent to NJCU and the NJDOE. I’ll be waiting for an email and once I get it I plan on registering for the Writing portion of the exam in April and taking it by Mega Memoirfest in May. I’ll wait to see when Edi announces Mega Memoirfest and be there. I’m hoping I can get a ride with someone who is going that also plans to stay until the end of the party.
I just kind of want to be able to get a passing score and pass the Reading test. I can pass the Reading test. I get extended test time because I have accommodations for the test. There are fifty-eight questions on the test. I think they will give me three hours to take my test including a few 10 or 15 minute breaks during the duration of the test. I will probably get a break after each hour. I’ll get an extra hour or so to complete the test and I’ll go over all of my answers to the test questions during that extra hour.
I know sometimes I feel like I wish I was capable of silencing my inner critic. My illness is very difficult. I remember my childhood and how adults in my life often criticized me when I was a little girl going to school. I know all of the choices I made since I turned eighteen are my own to make. I am happier with my life now but for a long time I was really stressed out and I was so exhausted from not being able to sleep well at night since the onset of my illness. I am getting rest at night. I can sleep five hours and still function the next day but I realize I need seven to eight hours to be my best the next day. I like to get up at 7 am or 8 am.