God is the person I turn to. I have my supporters but they are fewer than I may like. I have been starting to pray and say prayers to God that come from a sincere heart. I know if I pray and get quiet from any distractions for at least an hour each day it will help me. The Lord says vengeance is mine. I do not seek revenge from anyone. I know this experience of being nominated for four blogger awards with a bunch of other bloggers here on WordPress has to be one of the coolest experiences I have had. I am finishing reading Disney’s A Wrinkle in Time.
I am done playing the blame game with my parents. I am an adult. I’m going to be forty years old next January 2021. The decisions I make are my own to make. I don’t try to be a certain way for someone else to love me or treat me better. I realize now that because I’m older I can be good to myself on purpose but I want to think of my mom, my step father and my grandparents. I have three half sisters on my biological father’s side. My biological father died when I was like 2 years old. I remember a lot of things that happened in my early childhood like my father dying. I pray for world peace and an end to chaos and racism in the world. This world will change with more people who care that will change the world.
Early on I had been bullied badly in school by other kids who didn’t like me. I started to feel better about myself after I turned thirty. My 30s have been the happiest period in my life so far. I’m looking forward to my 40th birthday early next year. I’m a January winter baby too. I was born in the heart of winter but I realize now that I’m older that I can celebrate my successes in my 30s and thank God for where I am. The more I think about the more difficult times in my life like my childhood and my adolescent years I know it feels good to reassess my progress, how far I’ve come and to try to forgive others and leave the past in the past. Now is all I have. The spiritual awakening I had let me know that God is here with me. I say my prayers in the morning when I wake up. I shut down my laptop at 10pm. I take my medication at 8pm at night. I know if I am going to live a long life I have to do certain things to get healthier. That is why I eat mostly fish and vegetables and fruits. I limit what I eat to fish and occasionally I treat myself to some fried chicken too. I took certain foods out of my diet completely. I also do cooking as a hobby and a way to contribute to the household I live in. I am going to be doing some cooking for my mom, my grandma, my step father and myself. I cook breakfast for us all on weekends too.
I had most of my successes in my 30s. It gave me a chance to enjoy my successes because they happened shortly after I started to like myself again in my early 30s. I knew something had shifted for me when friends complimented me on my clothes or poems I wrote. I am happy to have the opportunity to publish my poetry in the newsletter at NAMI called the Messenger. I always see the glass as half full. I think of struggles I had as a child being bullied a lot. I think of the successes I have had with my blog and I’m filled with gratitude toward the people who nominated me and said my blog was great. When I think of all the things my mental illness stole from me I remember God causing a supernatural peace to wash over me letting me know I am never alone. My life’s trajectory gave me a chance to just enjoy my successes as a writer. I am also finishing up my course with The Institute of Children’s Literature.
I know God is right here with me. I pray for a better world and less war and chaos. I know some people don’t have the comforts that I have. My life is a good life though. I am happy with my choices. I need to be able to choose what I do. I wish this corona virus pandemic will be over sooner rather than later. I have been also thankful to God for the social supports I have at NAMI but I will be rescheduling my praxis core reading test once I get an email. I will probably arrange to take core in September one part at a time. I know if I study for an hour a day until I can get the okay from Disability Services at ETS.
Feeling good about myself gave me my life back. As a child, I experienced a lot of bullying. I found my voice as a writer. You have to be able to talk back to people who may always tell you certain things, but you need to know that you are just as good as anyone else. You can’t live your life according to what people think about you or say about you for good or for ill. You should fix yourself up once a month and get your hair shampooed and styled and get a manicure and a pedicure too. It seems like a small thing, but you should reward yourself by taking good care of yourself. You get your one life and that’s it. When I turn forty next January 2021 I want to able to enjoy my birthday with a friend or at least do something good for myself that day. Life is too short not to be able to appreciate and enjoy your life.
Sometimes trials are what make you stronger as a person. It’s not so much what you go through it’s how you were able to overcome difficult experiences and trials in your life. I know my ability to be resilient has to be the most important aspect for me. I couldn’t see giving up on myself. I am actually happy in the mornings when I wake up. I don’t want to die I want to live and enjoy my life. I encourage friends and people who suffer from similar mental health concerns that you can rebuild your life. You can set short term goals and long term goals. I recommend NAMI to people too. NAMI is a wonderful organization with programs for adults living with a serious mental illness. I know that God and spirituality are the things I turn to instead of needing to get revenge. I felt stressed out and tense all of time until I found a creative outlet in the form of poetry and writing in my journal. I am a happy writer. I want to be able to just take things one step at a time. I recommend people who feel overwhelmed a lot of times to make a to-do list and check the things off you do one thing at a time. You need to make a list of things you need to do. Make a list and put it on paper. You may find that by making a list it’s easier to list the things you have to do and get done one at a time. I hope this helps someone else. I am trying to get my first vehicle and driving lessons too. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you can’t take care of yourself and think about your friends and family too.
My life followed it’s own trajectory. The happiest moments for me were the four nominations I received for blogger awards. I notice some days that a few countries like the content on my blog. I think on of the coolest gifts a person can have is to write songs. I think songwriters are cool. I notice a lot more recording artists are writing songs for their mental health. I don’t know if I can write a song but I penned quite a few poems and a female friend of mine encouraged me to write poems for my loved ones. I thought it was a cool idea. I know a lot more know than I did before. It’s cool to be able to be myself more and stand out. The more I am able to just stand out and not try to be like someone else the happier I am. I hope I can find someone I really like and be able to have a committed relationship in the near future. Life is too short living one foot in the past and on foot in the present. We all need to stop and smell the roses and be more in the moment. I am going to focus on getting my license the summer. I can do it.
Mental illness stole years of life from me. I have been living with a difficult mental illness for twenty five years. The illness I have is so hard to live with. It wasn’t until I took WRAP class that stands for wellness, recovery, action plan. I knew my life had changed the moment I had an experience that was with the divine or God where God caused a supernatural peace to wash right over me maybe five or more years ago. I decided that instead of seeking revenge or returning evil for evil I would say prayers every morning when I wake up to God. I’m an early riser who likes waking up early and brushing my teeth, using my oral rinse and taking a fifteen to twenty minute shower in the mornings when I wake up. I can’t wash my hair too often but every two or three weeks I wash my hair. I went au naturale too. I no longer use hair relaxers. I like braiding my hair the most for a natural hair style.
I had always loved to play with my dolls as a little girl. The dolls I had all looked like me because I had a caring mother that fostered my self image when I was just a little girl. All my dolls looked like me. I understand now as I age my life gets better even though I ain’t no celebrity. Hollywood is not for me. The things I most value don’t cost as much and I always think of the people who supported me along the way. I remember my humble beginnings in Brooklyn the place I am from and I take every chance I get to help my mom and my grandma and also my closer relatives out. I friended some of my family on Facebook. I have a budget I have to stick to that I have to be more consciously aware mostly of what I can and cannot afford. I will focus on getting things that are cute and more affordable or at least on sale.