Sometimes life follows it’s own trajectory and other times you can plan life but believe me no one can plan their lives. Things happen and we kind of just have to keep going and decide what we should do from where we are. I always felt like the things I chose to study even in community college were because of my own desire to become a writer and a teacher. I had classes I retook when I was in community college but when I was encouraged to take no more than two classes at a time I discovered with my illness it was hard for me to take on or two courses at a time. I had anxiety attacks but I knew God was there when I felt a diving peace wash right over me. I know God understands what I have struggled with since I initially became mentally ill but the peace I made with my illness indicated to me that God was always there. I was sure of the existence of God. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was more to life. I started living on purpose. I refused to isolate myself. I had the experience of being nominated for four blogger awards and I thought to myself that made me smile. I really needed to go through certain things to make it to where I am now my 30s. You need perspective in life. I’m 39 years old right now and all I can think of is how far I’ve come and helping my mom out who is really the only person I experience unconditional love with. I also saw my pride in myself as one reason to remember the people God put in my life that made my 30s my happiest decade yet. Even when I was an eight or nine year old girl many of the kids didn’t like me. I always got compliments like you have a pretty name or you have lovely hands but for girls my complexion things they would say would be different and I came to understand that they really liked me enough to compliment me as a little black girl they even said was good looking I just found it harder in some ways but the moment I started liking myself I knew something had changed that may have been really hard for me before.
I pray and I’ve decided to pray ever since I had a spiritual awakening after turning thirty. I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin and what I saw when I looked in the mirror. It was difficult for me to see myself as a pretty little girl when I was a little girl but I had a spiritual awakening in my early 30s that made me aware of a power that was higher than myself. I knew God was really there. I doubted God’s existence for a while but I felt a connection to God as early as maybe ten years old. I felt like I was alone but I had a supportive family. I had very humble beginnings even though we didn’t have as much material wealth I felt like the moment I had started to write to express my hurt feelings through writing poetry in the 5th grade I had an outlet for my hurt feelings. I know God saw me and was there but the moment I had the experience of the peace of God washing over me healing me mind, soul and spirit. It was the first time I was sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is all loving, all knowing and all powerful. I knew I wasn’t alone and God had been walking with me all this time. I believe in God as the source. I focus on being the best person I can be and also being helpful to other people including my family members and friends.
I feel like I have to express my gratitude to God who is the healer of all dis-ease of my psyche or even my soul and spirit. I have always believed in God since I was a little girl. I think of the women in my life like my mother and my grandmother. I am sure God is really there and I know he also understands my struggles. I sincerely appreciate God for putting people in my life along the way to make my 30s my best decade yet. I recently turned 39 in January 2020. I always remind myself that there is a higher power I can call on and pray to. I can’t explain God he’s indescribable but I trust God to be who he says he is and he is also the healer.
I fear losing my mother and I keep it to myself. I feel like this dark cloud is hanging over my head over. I don’t go out at night. I fear certain things but I used to take long walks but now I just plan on doing my 5K for NAMI Mercer in May of this year 2020. My mom’s birthday and Mother’s day are in May 2020. I called my mom from the short term facility I was in. I need to stay in my room at night.
Sometimes my voices say things that are mean and critical to me. I know even in my childhood the roots of criticism were hard for me but I am a pretty woman. I know sometimes compliments are really all it takes for someone to feel better. Especially if I got nominated for four special blogger awards by Mister Stuart and Miss Michelle. I had to mail Mister Stewart and Miss Michelle I would love to see Paris but I live in New Jersey so I’d have to fly there but I appreciate you nominating me.
I have always had an interest in writing for children. Since I was in my 20s I desired to become a children’s author. Once with NAMI about ten years ago we had this Seussical event in Washington Crossing State park in Titusville, NJ that we went to as an event for the Just Friends social group. I got great feedback on many or most of my assignments for my children’s literature course. I was a bullied hurt little black girl. As a kid I got bullied a lot and teased about my complexion so much. By the time I started going through puberty my skin got really dark. Although it was hard to see as a little girl I always felt happy because the eye doctor and also my grandmother and my great aunts and other people said they loved my eyes. I had 20/20 vision as a little girl.
I lost my father when I was two years old. I still have my mother and my step father but I don’t make a big deal about money. I couldn’t afford to live on my own. I am in the process of saving for my first vehicle. I want a Honda of course. I really like the new Honda HR-V models. One day I was on the bus and I saw a woman driving a black Honda HR-V and I thought wow look at how nice that car looks. It’s like a compact jeep. I like it so much I am going to be saving for it by early next year. I am safe if I travel alone because I believe and know that God cares about me and I am never alone. I sleep so much better since my spiritual awakening I experienced in my 30s.