My stepfather Neil said he really liked my writing. I always remember being really excited to hear him say so.

I have a memory of being a young woman in the house I grew up in and over hearing my step father say he liked my writing. This was one of the nicest memories I had with my stepfather. Another nice memory was when he told me he really liked a poem I published in the newsletter. I decided to write a poem for him. My older female friend that takes me to Nicotene Anonymous meetings gave me the idea that maybe I could write poems for my loved ones.

I got a 134 on the Praxis Core Reading test. I did not pass the reading test.

I feel okay today despite me not passing the Praxis Core. I just got my score for the Praxis Core Reading test. I got a 134 on the reading test. I needed a 156 to pass the reading. I am not sad though. I feel good that I took the test even if I did not pass. I have plans to go to a Montessori Teaching certificate information session on May 1, 2019. I think I want to become a Montessori teacher and work at a Montessori school. The program takes two years or so. I think that is what I’ll do. I got in to the Early Childhood Education major at NJCU but without passing scores on the Praxis Core for Educators Test I won’t be able to continue with my degree program.

I took the Praxis Core Reading test today.

My test started at 12:30 pm today and went until like 3 pm. I had accommodations for the Praxis Core. I took a 10 minute break too. I was able to finish the 56 question test within the allotted time frame. I am waiting 2 weeks to get my scores. I had my scores sent to NJCU and the NJDOE. I’ll be waiting for an email and once I get it I plan on registering for the Writing portion of the exam in April and taking it by Mega Memoirfest in May. I’ll wait to see when Edi announces Mega Memoirfest and be there. I’m hoping I can get a ride with someone who is going that also plans to stay until the end of the party.

Tomorrow at noon I have an appointment to take the Praxis Core Reading Comprehension test at Prometrics.

I just kind of want to be able to get a passing score and pass the Reading test. I can pass the Reading test. I get extended test time because I have accommodations for the test. There are fifty-eight questions on the test. I think they will give me three hours to take my test including a few 10 or 15 minute breaks during the duration of the test. I will probably get a break after each hour. I’ll get an extra hour or so to complete the test and I’ll go over all of my answers to the test questions during that extra hour.

I had a thought that maybe I shouldn’t judge anyone else.

I know sometimes I feel like I wish I was capable of silencing my inner critic. My illness is very difficult. I remember my childhood and how adults in my life often criticized me when I was a little girl going to school. I know all of the choices I made since I turned eighteen are my own to make. I am happier with my life now but for a long time I was really stressed out and I was so exhausted from not being able to sleep well at night since the onset of my illness. I am getting rest at night. I can sleep five hours and still function the next day but I realize I need seven to eight hours to be my best the next day. I like to get up at 7 am or 8 am.

Sometimes you have to look at the glass as half full.

I’m making a lot of progress. I am doing well. If I get my sleep I can function better during my days. I have a lot to live for. I want my life. This is where I can choose to enjoy my life and wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I have had so many successes. I feel good about where I am right now. I can just choose to continue on my path. I sold 70 or 80 of my chapbooks. I started out with 100 copies. I sold most of the copies. I hope I find a few more people who are interested in my chapbook. I want to be able to say I sold 100 copies of my chapbook and feel the accomplishment at the end of that day.

I cried the other day. I realized I felt kind of sad.

I had a lot of feelings of sadness I wasn’t dealing with. I had a good cry and I thought of all my successes I had in my 30s. I just had my 38th birthday a few weeks ago. I got invited to an event Edi is having and I’m going. I am being less hard on myself. When I make mistakes I remind myself “Ayesha you made a mistake you’re human.” It’s hard to deal with my illness sometimes. I forget things sometimes. I am trying to be good to myself and let things go. I remind myself the next time will be better. I always tell myself that I can’t do anything about the past but I can only do things in the present and in the future. Letting go of the past and doing my best in the present is what I focus on because the past is in the past. I try to be more present and do all I can now.