My Voices

I hate hearing voices. The voices I hear are so abusive. They mention my name and talk about me like I was a dog. I know the best decision I ever made was to give myself permission to challenge my voices after self love happened to Lil Ol Me. Every negative thing they say about me I gave myself permission to challenge. I remember thinking I will continue to work on my mental health and continue to challenge my voices. Every voice I hear mention my name  and speak ill of me I am going to tell to “Shut up and go to hell”.

Closer each day to my 40,000 word count (my first goal)

Each day I get closer to my 40,000 word count for my memoir. I’m thinking of my new pink Coach hat and tote bag set with Coach logo for $30 I plan to buy on ebay after August 3rd. I really can’t wait to go back to school. I’m taking a Praxis prep course and I hope to take the Praxis CORE by early January to have my scores sent to NJCU. I want to be able to register for more ECE classes. I have to go on ets.org and request accommodations and register and pay $90 for each test starting with the Reading, then the Writing and finally the Math. I need a math tutor for the test. I will get prepared for the Reading and the Writing test by taking LTED 305 this Fall 2017.

Women writers in Herstory

We are women writers in Herstory and should not be belittled by men as “scribbling women”. Any writer if they are a good writer should just be considered a good writer. I remember my poetry successes but the failures or the “no’s” I got from publications I sent poems or essays in to were rejection of my work not personal. I remember learning http://www.nami.org did not take all the poems or stories that they received and feeling good about the two essay I had published on http://www.nami.org since July 2013.

Racism as a theme in my memoir: Ayesha’s story-the SZ memoirs

I love memoir writing. I love nonfiction books and writing nonfiction about my life. Nonfiction brings me JOY! I remember how it felt to have a 20 page memoir at the end of my last semester at NJCU in May 2015.  Racism is something I experience sometimes because I am African American when I go places I go. It affects my life whether I acknowledge it or not. It’s always there and it was there in the past for black people. When I first joined NAMI Mercer NJ racism was there but the racism was subtle I guess you could say. People were mostly nice even if they were “not friendly”. I became myself in my 30s. I’m 36 and I feel like I have made peace with my illness for a few years now. I go to Just Friends social group events for adults with mental illnesses and I feel like I’m a part of what’s going on with the group. We go out three times a month. It’s very nice. Lasley’s summer picnic is next Saturday. I have a ride with friends and I plan to go. I have three copies of my chapbook for Danita, Anastasia and Mindy (the woman doctor). I will collect $5 each from Mindy and Danita to cover the cost of my chapbook. Anastasia gave me the $5 for her chapbook already.

I hate ideals like children who idolize doctors, lawyers and not writers, artists and musicians like me

I love a t-shirt that says Writer in the shape of a heart that I saw on Facebook. I want that t-shirt. I’m a writer. My dream is coming true. I am Internet Ayesha. Soon I’ll have even more influence in my industry of Writing and Editing and think of LinkedIn and yelp.com and amazon.com. I love books. I want to write and publish my memoir. I came so far. I used to be a hurt little black girl writers like Toni Morrison said she wrote for but now I am a woman. I’m motorcycle mama and I’m proud to be just what I am. I became myself. You can’t change yesterday but you can inspire others with mental illness to say “I think I can get better” and then to say “I can”. I did!

President Obama talked about discovering skin bleaching creams in magazine advertising

I know people give me credit for accepting myself and loving myself. In the summertime I am dark chocolate and in the Fall and Winter I’m milk chocolate. I get really dark in the summer time. My friend Mike that I dated for over a year is East Indian and he said he gets really dark in the summer too. It’s summer now. Today is July 16, 2017. I would not lighten my own skin but I know girls lighter than I am that wish they could have lighter skin and it’s always been a secret desire some insecure self hating African Americans have with the color of their skin even if it’s light brown. It makes ms sick. I love the skin I’m in. I’m dark and I love being dark I guess you could say. Don’t tell me anything about my color. Walk on by…

I am starting a revolution by indicating my race when I fill out forms or applications

I am very race conscious. From BET to OWN to EBONY to ESSENCE I believe in race consciousness. I wrote my ECE 210 paper on a book called Kwanzaa and Me and I got an 86% and I couldn’t be happier. I really feel that being Black is a good thing. I don’t want to be anything else or something I am not. I accept and love the color of my own skin. I love my lips and I am trying to start my own revolution. African Americans and Black people world wide should be proud of who they are. I am against bleaching cream. I am against being ashamed of your blackness and I am for embracing everything that makes me me.