Author: TheAyeshaSite

I fear losing my mother and I keep it to myself. I feel like this dark cloud is hanging over my head over. I don’t go out at night. I fear certain things but I used to take long walks but now I just plan on doing my 5K for NAMI Mercer in May of this year 2020. My mom’s birthday and Mother’s day are in May 2020. I called my mom from the short term facility I was in. I need to stay in my room at night.

Sometimes my voices say things that are mean and critical to me. I know even in my childhood the roots of criticism were hard for me but I am a pretty woman. I know sometimes compliments are really all it takes for someone to feel better. Especially if I got nominated for four special blogger awards by Mister Stuart and Miss Michelle. I had to mail Mister Stewart and Miss Michelle I would love to see Paris but I live in New Jersey so I’d have to fly there but I appreciate you nominating me.

I have always had an interest in writing for children. Since I was in my 20s I desired to become a children’s author. Once with NAMI about ten years ago we had this Seussical event in Washington Crossing State park in Titusville, NJ that we went to as an event for the Just Friends social group. I got great feedback on many or most of my assignments for my children’s literature course. I was a bullied hurt little black girl. As a kid I got bullied a lot and teased about my complexion so much. By the time I started going through puberty my skin got really dark. Although it was hard to see as a little girl I always felt happy because the eye doctor and also my grandmother and my great aunts and other people said they loved my eyes. I had 20/20 vision as a little girl.

I lost my father when I was two years old. I still have my mother and my step father but I don’t make a big deal about money. I couldn’t afford to live on my own. I am in the process of saving for my first vehicle. I want a Honda of course. I really like the new Honda HR-V models. One day I was on the bus and I saw a woman driving a black Honda HR-V and I thought wow look at how nice that car looks. It’s like a compact jeep. I like it so much I am going to be saving for it by early next year. I am safe if I travel alone because I believe and know that God cares about me and I am never alone. I sleep so much better since my spiritual awakening I experienced in my 30s.

I received an email in my gmail inbox from the best school in the country Harvard University the school of Extension studies but it’s a secret school. It is the easy way into Harvard one of the thirteen schools that make up Harvard University in my best decade yet my 30s and me celebrating my 39th birthday earlier this year of 2020 present certain challenges. I had my first nomination when I was 37 year old for a blogger award. I turned 39 years old in January 2020. I know even my extension I got from my course I’m trying to finish my course with The Institute of Children’s Literature is rather generous they actually gave me until next January 2021 which will be around my 40th birthday I am going to work on my course in the library but because of the Corona virus I know the library may be closed for a while. I have to see if they reopen next weekend.

Life is a gift given to me from God. I want my life. I have so much to live for. The years I spent addicted to smoking or so I thought I am happy to say I have been almost six years smoke free. I feel like a spirit of destruction was deceiving me and playing a game all along under a false smile. I fight every urge I have to smoke and I vow to stay quit. I have a few Nicotine Anonymous poker chips I got on different occasions and I know my life is going to always be happy since I just say no to smoking. I may have a pina colada once in a while if I go out but that’s it maybe a bottle of Arbor Mist. It’s low alcohol basically fruit flavor wine with less than 10% alcohol.

Oh boy this blog of mine gave me the coolest experience I’d had in a long time. I am just so happy about some of the successes I’ve had in my 30s. Now at the age of thirty nine I feel like these beautiful surprises for me to get nominated for four blogger awards and featured posts on this WordPress.com website are always going to be some of the happiest things I have had to celebrate and know I’m still young and I have so much to live for. I am actually looking forward to my 40th birthday next January 2021. I feel just so much gratitude to all of the people who like my blog and to the two people who nominated me. I know this was better than anything I could have dreamed to have happened. It just feels so cool to say I’m one of the first people to say I done this blog!

I actually feel good about myself despite the way others perceive me. I feel good when I receive compliments. It helps me to feel better about myself. I may not get a lot of compliments but when I do get compliments they boost my self esteem and brighten my day. When someone like me who was bullied and made fun of as a child I always remind myself that I’m good too. I’m just as good as anyone else. People try to push my buttons. I thought of the cool photo taken of me by a photographer that took a few photos of me over the years at The Harvest of Hope conference and also for the Messenger newsletter NAMI published over the years while I was a volunteer and consumer. I am a kind and caring person too. I can appreciate my life now that I’m in my 30s. I feel like with this blog I’m able to stand out. I was made to be who I am. I learned to accept myself. I’m a person who has always kind of gotten teased or bullied by small minded people but I am also very proud to be a black woman too. I just appreciate the people who gave me opportunities I would not have otherwise had to shine. I recently celebrated my 39th birthday.

I know sometimes for a person with a mental illness people tend to isolate themselves because of the severity of their mental illness like schizophrenia or any other mental illness. I know life is not easy. I recommend NAMI to all of the adults who suffer from mental illness regardless of their diagnosis. I feel like I’m a valued member of this blogging community. It makes me feel good to have been nominated three times by Mr. Stuart and my most recent nomination from Miss Michelle the Parisian blogger that nominated me for a Sunshine Blogger Award. I thank God for his intervention in my life and also for the people God has put in my life that made my 30s my best decade in my life. I’ll be turning forty next January.

When I was a child I had a lot of cousins. I have a large extended family. I was born here in the United States of America in Brooklyn, New York. I had a male cousin who was older get on top of me when I was  a tween. I was so scared he’d penetrate me but thank God I was able to get away. It wasn’t until I had a moment when it came rushing back to me. I had suppressed the memory. Believe it or not they were watching Playboy TV in a living room on a big screen television. I want to write for kids. I had someone tell me I had a gift to write for kids. My new writing teacher said I did so well on a difficult assignment. I was thrilled and she sent my graded lesson with smiley faces. The writing teacher I had before has retired since June 30, 2019. This is a new year and I am going to devote my time to finishing up the course and also revising my first three assignments and I am going to revise lesson 4. I did so well with lesson 5 when I revised it so I’m just waiting for Miss Coffelt to send my lesson back.