Author: TheAyeshaSite

I have had successes in my 30s that led me to forge my own path. I participated in poetry slams. I got nominated for four blogger awards in the past two years. I feel like suddenly I became a part of this blogging community. I became more aware of the presence of my higher power (God). I also graduated from NJCU in 2015. I was 34 years old when I got my diploma and got to participate in the commencement exercises early in the morning at the Prudential Center in Newark, NJ. I am also half way through a course in how to write for children. This is something people say I’m really good at but I won’t be finishing the course until sometime in 2020. I took a leave of absence from the course but now I’m back working on the course again. I am also blogging too.

I remember Christmas gifts that my grandmother got me as a child and also as a teenager. I loved that my grandmother got a subscription to Ebony magazine in her name back in my 20s. I have Essence and Ebony magazine subscriptions in my name now. I’m interested in popular black magazines like Vibe and Hype Hair magazines. I like magazines about fashion too.

I had successes in my 30s that got me noticed that gave me a boost of confidence that I didn’t have before. I feel happy that I can enjoy blogging and being a writer. I’ve been reading memoirs lately. I enjoy reading memoirs. They are the kinds of books that give you a glimpse into a person’s life. Memoirs are often written by people who do MFA programs in Memoir Writing like Krystal Sital who is an NJCU alumna has an excellent memoir called Secrets We Kept. I also read Margaux Fragoso’s memoir called Tiger, Tiger and it was an international best seller. I wrote my own memoir that I’m working on. The memoirs I have read on Dr. Giunta’s syllabus are great. I met Margaux Fragoso one time at a campus event Dr. Giunta had. Margaux had such sweet brown eyes. I was invited to an on-campus event Dr. Giunta had at NJCU. She’ll be back in January 2020. I look forward to seeing her and Dr. Fausty as well.

I like being able to have success as a writer. I wasn’t able to get into any of the six Master’s in Creative Writing programs I applied to. I hoped I would get into NYU’s graduate school but I wasn’t accepted. I was able to get into NYU’s School of Continuing and Professional Studies back in 2006 but I didn’t decide to go and I went with NJCU. I had some great things happen to me there including getting $200 put on my Gothic Card to spend any way I wanted in the campus bookstore or on food or the vending machines. I feel like that was something nice to get chosen after filling out a survey I got from NJCU in the mail. I didn’t have a lot of close friends but I had the coolest experience taking Memoir and Advanced Memoir with Dr. Giunta. Dr. Giunta was so kind to me and supported my memoir writing during my last two semesters at NJCU. I will always remember her kindness toward me. She has the best teaching style of any professor I’ve had during my time at NJCU. Her husband Dr. Fausty and her made a big difference in my life by liking my memoir. I also had a cool experience getting nominated four times  for four blogger awards in less than 2 years and I couldn’t be happier!

I know my life was not ideal. I went through difficult days in the past but I believe it took my successes as well as my failures to make me the person I am today. I had dreams I wasn’t able to realize. I had good experiences that were good in my 30s and I started to like myself more. I got critiques from people around me since I was a child. I think of my biological parents and my grandmother’s sisters who have passed on that told me they were so proud of me when I graduated from NJCU. I didn’t have good enough grades for graduate school but I was able to finish school and get my Bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing. I had dreams of becoming a writer. It’s hard to get into MFA programs but I applied to six MFA programs. I didn’t get in. Most of my life I wrote poetry and also kept journals. I even have a memoir that is over 225 pages. It’s something I am very proud of.  The experience of being nominated and nominating other people for blogger awards made me feel more a part of the blogging community and less isolated and alone. I try to socialize more in social settings and I have NAMI the organization I became a part of back in my mid-late 20s. I’m working on my self. I read a lot too. I don’t watch TV. I am online most of the time. I couldn’t tell you why but TV is something I never really liked but I think TV actors are cool.

I have experienced racism that is hard to talk about but not once since my 31st birthday have I felt like I’m not good enough the way I am. It was my experience in life to have only a few friends here or there but where I am now I only have a few supporters. It’s not easy for anyone in life even if it appears that way to other people. We all have our challenges. I felt good because I was nominated four times for blogger awards I felt validated. It’s really been the first thing that put a big smile on my face. It is something I am able to enjoy and also able to thank the two people that nominated me. I have this renewed appreciation for my own life. Hearing mean voices and having schizophrenia is difficult but I was able to make peace with my illness. For me it is not as hard as it once was. I had fear of my own shadow. I had been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic before I was even 15 years old.  I’m able to be out at night with less fear and I’m able to say I feel good about myself despite certain things that have always held true about how things were for me in life since I was a little girl.

I have never written a song before but I love to write poetry. I started writing poetry in the 5th grade. I was a bullied little hurt black girl. I created my first poems then. I found it wonderful to find poetry in my 30s again. I also kept journals for the past ten years. Another thing that gave me some perspective was writing my memoir and just having written a few memoir pieces in my last two semesters of college. I enjoy reading memoirs too. I read Tiger, Tiger by Margaux Fragoso, Lying a Metaphorical memoir, By The Way, Kathryn Harrison’s The Mother Knot, Dorothy Allison’s Two and Three Things I Know For Sure, Natasha Trethewey’s Beyond Katrina. I’m reading Issac Mizrahi’s memoir I M. Mizrahi’s memoir is great so far it tells his personal story.

I am black beauty. Black is beautiful. I am learning to love the skin I’m in. I know being black there are certain things that go along with that and one of those things is racism and discrimination. I feel like black is the thing for me to be. One thing that I can say is as a black woman I have a very secure identity. I know opinions differ on the subject but I feel good when people say “Ayesha you’re a good writer.” I have dreamed of becoming a writer for a long time. I studied creative writing in college. I know I am a strong person. When I was a child I got teased a lot because of my dark complexion. I know how things like skin tone and color being something people make a big deal about but self acceptance has been a God send to me in my 30s. I feel comfortable being myself now!

I am reading Issac Mizrahi’s memoir and it is great so far. I am enjoying it a lot. I feel like reading memoirs is something I just love to do. I am writing my own memoir too. I have read like ten memoirs in the past year. I am enjoying IM by Issac Mizrahi. I feel happy now that I am nominated for blogging awards. This blogging community has so many cool bloggers especially the mental health bloggers. I feel like blogging boosted my mental health and it’s great to be a part of this friendly blogging community.  I think there are so many talented mental health bloggers on http://www.wordpress.com. I know as a woman living with a difficult illness that involves paranoia and delusions, even being afraid of my own shadow at night if I’m out late traveling to NJCU I won’t elaborate further but all it took was one experience with the prince of peace and I was sure I had made peace with an illness that stole so many years of my life from me causing me to feel horrible and have all of these fears and delusions even in broad daylight I saw shadows in the sun. I know my illness doesn’t have me even if I have it.

I know I have a lot going for me. I am working on gaining more independence. I plan to try to pass the basic driver examination permit test and if not try again. I want to save my money to buy a bicycle with a basket from Walmart. I saw two or three beautiful women’s bicycles there. I feel like I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life with the success of my blog. I am officially an author. There is no thing I love more that brings a smile to my face than becoming a writer. I even am half way through my course learning how to write for children. I can see myself as a children’s book author too. I saw on TV actress Alyssa Milano from the TV shows Charmed and Who’s the Boss has a new three book series of middle grade books. I just love to see popular celebrities come out with books for kids. I have an interest in writing for kids too. I like Madonna’s children’s books too. I bought a collection of books by Madonna.