TheAyeshaSite

Worry and fear were stealing my joy until I started getting sleep at night in my early 30s. I’m 36 years old. I’ll be 37 years old on January 28, 2018. I have meds that are injected and oral anxiety meds. I deal with anxiety attacks, worry, and fear but I worry less and I’m able to sleep at night most nights of the week.

I went to bed last night before 8pm. I woke up a few minutes ago as the sun is rising this morning. I can’t function without sleep. I feel good but I get headaches. I will be fine.

I made friends. I socialized more. I felt good about myself and I learned to feel very comfortable in my own skin. I know this is proof there is a God or higher power. A peace washed over me one day and I knew I was not alone. The Creator was giving me his peace and calm.

People always treated me one way and had certain opinions about me. Self-acceptance took me completely by surprise because it started in my early 30s. I know I am fine. I have self-love. Even if I don’t have money I’ll be good. All I need is a good job and a new Lincoln MKX in black or deep red. I know I made peace with my illness. I am writing a memoir.

Some people feel like they have to be like someone else to be good or important. I say the sign that you are doing better than you know is when you say I’m here so fast I am 36 I’ll be 37 in January and I never thought I would have gotten here so fast. I love living in my 30s but my childhood was spent at the mercy of verbally abusive kids who didn’t like me at all. I had a good childhood but it wasn’t ideal. It was mine. I remember the pink show boots I got when I was 8 or 9 years old for Christmas and pink is one of my favorite colors.

They gave me a nickname chocolate cheesecake when I was a student there now I work there and I feel special even if I’ll never be popular. I don’t want to be popular.  I am infamous.

I respect people who think and act for themselves not have other people tell them what to do and think. I know God is blessing me (Ayesha Karim) because I can share my thoughts, feelings, and ideas and be a part of the conversation. This is such a blessing to me! I am a college student and when we have class discussions at school and I share I feel good when classmates listen and share their thoughts and I listen. When I go to my Mercer Mentor job and people laugh at my jokes or if my family members laugh at my jokes I feel cool.

The opposite is happening to me. The more I try the more I see that I am intelligent even if I need things explained to me like my assignments for college. I want to become an educator. I am a Mentor and I love my job. I never thought I would relax into myself after I think of the childhood I had, the difficult adolescence I had and even my 20s full of fear, paranoia, anxiety, and doubt. I did become myself though. I remember that everyday now! I want my life. I want to live.

I was in Brooklyn and I was walking with one of my grandmother’s sisters to the supermarket she died a few years ago in January the month I was born in and she said to me “let’s walk and cut that big talk.” I love humor. I embrace humor as healthy. Anytime I can laugh, smile and be in a safe space I’m happy.

I try to be non-judgemental instead of judging others. I love when people say to me “Esha you’re cool. I find myself liking you or I like you” and when they tell me why they find themselves able to relate to me and feel comfortable being around me. I want to be relatable and likable not popular. I know the difference and even now in my mid-late 30s I think. Yeah that’s what my life is like.