Author: TheAyeshaSite

I struggled a lot socially in school like kindergarten through grade 12. I got bullied a lot. I didn’t have many friends but I did have a few friends. I just found myself stressed out a lot even as a kid. It wasn’t until I graduated from college at the age of 34 years old that I could look back on the experiences I had in school and think especially of teachers I had and even professors who were supportive. My memoir teacher liked the memoir I wrote “Tale of three half sisters” for my Advanced Memoir Workshop. My memoir was just over 4,000 words and my memoir professor Dr. Edvige Giunta liked it. She even supported me as a student in her class. It was by far the most positive experience I had in college. I appreciate Dr. Giunta more than anything and I will always feel gratitude toward her my memoir professor. I pray that I can focus on my children’s literature course for the rest of this year. I got an extension from the school until January 2021. I’ll be turning forty next year.

I know many times especially in my childhood and teenage years I was bullied badly and not liked by other kids. I was self conscious about the way I looked and I feared getting beat up at school. Sometimes I hear critical voices in my head. I don’t have as many fears as I used to. I had a spiritual experience one day when a supernatural peace washed over me in 2012. I found God that day. I never really knew my biological father but I had a step father that was supportive of me but we didn’t get along as much. I know I have a strong sense of identity as a black woman. I feel like I understand why some people have certain opinions about me but I am treating myself to happiness in my 30s. My 30s were pretty good though. I have painful difficult memories of my childhood and my adolescent years.  I recently turned 39 years old. My goal is being able to drive by the summer of 2020. I am saving up for a used car. I want to be able to get a probationary license in 3 months after I get my examination permit.

I have had some of my happiest times in my life with the successes I had in my 30s. My life has always been kind of easy. I like my life. I feel like as long as I feel good about the person I see looking back at me in the mirror and I like myself I know I’m fine. I started to like myself a couple of months after I turned thirty. I even read about a book a month. I see myself as just as good and worthy of love and happiness. Life is not easy all the time for me but I feel like I am blessed to have a program to go to so I can work on my mental health. I am planning on retesting for the Praxis Core.

I had some difficult circumstances in my life that’s for sure but I don’t think it gives me a pass. Life can be tough but thank God my life got better. I have been so fortunate to have found NAMI in my mid-late 20s. I have formed some friendships over the years that I really like. I know God is with me all the time. I had an experience back in 2011 or 2012 where I had a supernatural peace wash over me bringing healing to my soul. I got teased a lot as a kid because I was dark. I know sometimes people feel sorry for me but I don’t need anyone else’s pity. I am an intelligent person. I’m also a competent person. My life was given to me to enjoy as a gift from God. I want to be able to just live my life while I still have my life. No one is promised tomorrow. I feel like people have opinions of me but that’s okay. I’ll be forty years old next year. I am going to be good to myself and not let anybody’s drama bother me. Life is too short.

I have started to pray in the mornings when I wake up. The next thing I do is splash some cold water on my face and say “it’s morning I’m awake”. I brush my teeth after that and about an hour later I take a good shower with a sweet smelling Caress bar soap. I know I found Caress after I had my first period when I was thirteen years old. As a child I had been bullied badly but I have turned to God now. I love to pray to God when I check the time on my phone I say a prayer in the morning. It feels good to pray to God. I know it’s not easy for anyone and that’s why I know God put these successes in my 30s so I could enjoy these successes. In my early 30s I started to like myself for the first time. I stand out now but I realize also that I was meant to stand out. I have had some difficult experiences and I appreciate the things people in my life do to help me out. I found God in my early 30s. That’s why I pray now instead of sweating the small stuff. I know God has been there all this time it just may have been the reason it caused me to doubt his existence but I don’t anymore. I am sure that God is with me beyond the shadow of a doubt. When I bump up against difficult things even at age 39 that are just hard for me I thank my supporters but I don’t have that many supporters. I am aware of my triggers people pushing my buttons and trouble sleeping. Now that I know and can identify just what triggers me I will just pray when I wake up and also again before I go to  sleep. I will power down at 10 pm. I have been sleeping better in my 30s. I’m thirty nine years old now. I focus on God and also sleep hygiene. I need my sleep. I get it most nights but on the few nights here or there I don’t sleep my day is shot the next day. I am trying to get some natural sleep aids that won’t interact with my Rx medications.

I experienced bullying since I was a child. It all started when a female principal of a school I went to as a child skipped me two grades in 3rd grade. My mom let her skip me but I know it gave me social problems being two years younger than the other kids in my grade. I graduated when I was seventeen from high school. It made me feel good to be skipped though. I remember being fourteen when I was first hospitalized for early onset schizophrenia. I have been going to an adult partial care program since October 2019. I like the program and my case manager seems to like me too. Last Friday I was able to receive a special award with my name on it called the Peer Support award. I felt good about it. Today I feel stressed and kind of tired. I have decided to pray and turn to God when I have difficulties. I will pray and try to focus on God read my psalms and be more positive on purpose. There is so much chaos in the world we live in. I will always focus on what is going well instead of focusing on the negative.

I enjoy sharing my experiences with my fellow volunteers or peers. I miss Miss Sally Osmer but she left NAMI. I really like Miss Janet too. I find most people at NAMI are pretty nice. NAMI has so many resources and for the past two summer they had a bunch of workshops at NAMI from art, to improv to yoga. I think NAMI is a wonderful organization. I have been so blessed to be a part of it. I hope to be driving by this summer 2020. I will keep trying until I can get a basic driver examination permit.

I found I am doing so much better getting a newer medicine injected in my arm once a month. The pills were always too much but my mom got me a pill box. I feel like I am kind of happier than I’ve ever been. I turned thirty nine a few days ago. I feel happy. I got some Facebook happy birthday wishes and I thanked my friends that remembered my birthday. I appreciate when people think of me on my birthday. I am a happy 39 year old now. I couldn’t explain it but it feels great to be another year older even if I have a difficult mental illness. I am able to sleep most nights and I power down the internet by like 10 pm now so I can get my sleep. I didn’t realize how hard it is to get my sleep. Sleep is a big trigger for me and I didn’t realize it until I took WRAP class at NAMI. I was even able to fill out my own advanced directive with the state on New Jersey.

I know God is right here with me in my difficulties. I know God is with me. I had a divine encounter with God one day when I was alone in 2012 and in that moment I knew God was with me. Some times when others tell us about God we aren’t as sure of God for ourselves. God doesn’t become real to us until we have a personal encounter with him. Once we have a personal encounter with God for ourselves it becomes clear to us that God is with us and we discover we know God for ourselves and we become sure God is walking right there beside us. I have a strong faith in God. For a part of my childhood I was being raised Muslim like my father but now I have accepted Christ into my life and I have a strong faith in God and I pray in the morning when I wake up. I am praying more than I ever have in my life. I will focus less on people and more on a relationship with God. This gives me a peace I’ve never known before.

I remember the first good looking boy a really handsome boy in middle school that I was alone with. I remember he was also African American and gave me a twirl I was wearing a dress when I was then an eleven year old girl and also a middle school girl. This was before I had even gotten my first period. I was thirteen years old when I got my first period. I got excited that he was interested. I saw Mike Steele giving a lecture at Rutgers University a few years ago and I couldn’t believe what a beautiful chocolate photogenic man he was also in his 60s he was. Every time I think of Mike being from the south I just think wow he even coined the phrase “nontraditional black life”. I thought this man is just different and he is all in pictures in his 60s with a good life he’s also an excellent public speaker too.