Author: TheAyeshaSite
I am a Black Guyanese woman. I'm thirty nine years old. I went back to college to take Early Childhood Education classes. I want to get a second 48-credit BA degree in Early Childhood Education by 2021. I go to NJCU. I have a BA in Creative Writing from NJCU. I graduated from NJCU in August 2015. I transferred to NJCU from Mercer. I have my AA degree from Mercer in Humanities and Social Science since May 2007. I write poems, I write memoirs, I'm a blogger and I am taking a children's lit course. I love reading memoirs. I also do book reviews from time to time. My favorite poet is Emily Dickinson. I grew up in Ewing, New Jersey. I live in Princeton Junction with my parents!
When I was a little girl I didn’t know what I would be and here I am.
As a little girl no matter what I did I got bullied a lot. I always felt sad when I was verbally abused, but I felt like I was a pretty little black girl but due to colorism and the color I was I often got told I was “too dark” , “too black” and some kids called me “blacky”. I became more comfortable the way I am as I got older, but it was really hard for me as a kid to be teased, and taunted by other kids. The way I treat myself older is to be good to myself on purpose. I know how hard mental illness is for the bloggers that also have mental health blogs I know for all of those guys their illness is hard for them too. I have a difficult illness. I pray though and spirituality gives me my hope and keeps me grounded and helps me to be honest with myself and others.
I went out on my second driving lesson this morning. I did 100% better this time my driving instructor told me. I was really driving well and I felt excited to be behind the wheel that I was able to drive in the driver’s seat. I liked the guy that was teaching me how to drive. I try not to judge myself. I can learn how to drive and be older. I say to myself “Esha you’ll be fine don’t judge yourself because you’re thirty nine years old now.” The adult road is age twenty one years old and over.
The independence of driving and saving up for my own vehicle is something I am actually going to be able to do by early next year. I am excited. I also will try to get a road test package from the driving school I am using. I’ll get three or four more two hour lessons from the driving school and then go online to schedule a road test by early October 2020.
I am so excited that I am where I am now. I can take a breath and see that I am not alone. I want my life. I see my own unique name too as something that makes me feel special. I had some hard lessons to learn but I started to own up to my own behavior. I know the moment I sign my author contract I will feel happy. I never want to have anyone else tell me what I should or should not study. Since I was in my 20s I had been working toward the goal of becoming a writer. By early next year I will realize my dream of having my own YA romance book or autobiographical children’s book.
I am good to myself now that I am older. Many things that happened to me in the past I could not control. I feel productive when I am working. I work part time. I do volunteer work also. I try to not put too much on my plate. As long am I am working toward my goals I keep in mind not to add anything else to my list. I am waiting to hear from ETS to see if my accommodations request is granted. I will wait another month and then I’ll check my email for the decision ETS makes. God is good! I will always pray and thank God for His divine intervention in my life. None if this could be possible without Him. “God is the peace in the madness that I can’t explain”, but I thank Him so much for caring about me and for being God. I have never had good relationships with members of my family, but I chose to distance myself from certain relatives. I want to stay away from smokers. I have been smoke free for six years now, and I will continue to say no to drugs and cigarettes.
I had my first driving lesson early this morning for two hours from 9:30 am to 11:30 am.
I went on my first driving lesson. I have a grand in cash that I am keeping to purchase a preowned vehicle for myself to drive. I don’t want to go over ten grand for my first vehicle. I know once I get a few driving lessons under my belt I will be okay. I may need to purchase a few more driving lessons for myself. My mom agreed to help me pay for my driving lessons but I may try to see if I can budget for my driving lessons and be more responsible. The cost of a two hour driving lesson is $120. I think that is a little steep but that is okay. We get a two hour lesson for $120. I felt a little nervous and a bit tense but I did okay when I went out driving today. I feel like I can handle myself. The student driver vehicle was a Volkswagen. I really liked being behind the wheel of a car for the first time. I hope I can get a Honda HR-V or a cute little preowned Kia to get around. I like the Kia Soul and Kia Sorento models. I hope I can get a deal on a cute little Kia. I have a grand cash down payment I hope I can put down on a preowned vehicle in a few months. I may ask for a car for my birthday next January 2021.
Now that I am in a good place in my life I don’t judge myself for giving myself retail therapy or saying “I’m just as good as anyone else.”
I know God understands that this world we live in is chaotic. I feel blessed to be able to at least enjoy the life I have. I want to live and not die. I want to be able to write for children and teenagers. I worked as a mentor and I really enjoyed the work. I am going back to school and hope to pass the praxis core reading exam on the second try. I know I can do it this time. I am also doing adult coloring which I find therapeutic. God is the center of my life. I know I can trust God. You can’t always trust people. Some people betray you. I at least try to establish trust with family and friends. I am a good person.
I chose to see myself and my own life as good. Sometimes when I look for my worth and I can’t find it anywhere I consciously choose to tell myself “I am just as good as anyone else.” I know sometimes people may say or feel like they are better than I am, but I chose to say “that isn’t true” and I keep movin’. I don’t want to have issues with other people if I don’t have to. I stay in my own lane, and I try to live and enjoy my life. I am proud of who I am. I like the woman I have become. I feel comfortable just the way God created me. I know if I were to seek my worth in certain areas I just may not be able to find it there.
I believe in God. I try to be nice to other people. I am easy going. I know when God intends to bless me that I am blessed to be a blessing. I know God is with me. He is the peace in the midst of chaos in my life that I can’t explain but I am so thankful that God is there and I believe that God is there. I never want to die. I know God was there on a day I felt scared and wasn’t sure what to do. I had a supernatural peace wash over me several years ago. I made peace with an illness that was so difficult for me. I sleep better most nights and so I give God praise first and I thank God for supportive parents and the few supporters I have I try to think of them also.
I have a goal and my goal is to obtain my four year basic driver license in at least a year or so. I am going to be getting driving lessons starting this Friday. I am trying to focus on my driving lessons. I’ll arrange to call the DMV in a month to make an appointment to take the road test. I am getting my probationary license in three months
I am going to save some money and try to at least purchase my own preowned vehicle for me to drive and use but just for my use to get from point A to point B.
I know I have insight into my illness.
I have insight into my mental illness. That made the difference in my life. I think there are a lot of cool blogs on this website. For mental health bloggers I encourage them also to consider prayer and spirituality. I pray most mornings when I wake up. I pray also to seek God and I am sincere. I try to at least pull myself together but I have good days and bad days like anyone else. I believe in God. Spirituality and a miracle I had from God changed my whole life. I was in my early 30s at the time. I feel God’s presence with me now. I thank God for his peace, his loving kindness toward me. I know every good and perfect gift is from the Father. I see a man when I think of God but some say God is a woman. I believe in God and I pray to God too. God is with me so I fight this battle every day in hopes I will win if I don’t give up.
TheAyeshaSite 