Author: TheAyeshaSite

Of all of my roles poet and writer has to be my favorite role. Getting good feedback on my poems I’ve been able to publish or on my memoir writing and my course that I’m taking teaching me how to write for children I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I got my first blogger award nomination at thirty seven years old. I’ll be thirty nine years old in three days. I just love being a writer. Ideally I would have loved to get my Master’s degree in Creative Writing in Poetry. I got in to two Cave Canem poetry workshops. I managed to go only one of the poetry workshops I got in to. Cave Canem is competitive too. I feel good about that too. I was asked to write a letter in favor of Cave Canem and I did with a little help from my uncle. I am the happiest writer around. It feels so good to have four nominations for awards for my blog. I’m thrilled.

I’ll be 39 years old in a few days. I wanted a pink room when I was a little girl. I begged and pleaded with my mom to get my room painted pink. I also recently asked my parents to paint my room a light shade of pink. I also love Hello Kitty. I also love wearing dresses. Sometimes I wear designer sweat suits that I feel more comfortable in in the winter time. I just like athletic gear too like Champion and Nike athletic suits. I can almost never find stuff in a 2X or XXL but I am trying to lose weight and get healthier. I am trying to lose like 30 pounds to get down to 200 lbs. It’s not easy but I bite two fruits a day. I hope that helps me to lose more weight. That and drinking water instead of soda.

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia early on in life. I called my mother once I had been placed on the young people’s unit at Friends Hospital in Philly. My mom worked with the school district of Philadelphia for almost 18 years. Now she has gone back to her job she had when I was a child. My mom is working as a nurse-midwife again. She had become a midwife when I was like eight years old but then around my ninth birthday she started dating my step father Neil. I feel proud of my mother but I wouldn’t want to do what she does. My 30s were a really happy time for me. It was around the first time in my life that I felt good about myself after having a supernatural peace wash over me one day while I was at AAMH program near where the vans pick us up to take us home. It was really the first time I felt at peace and less self conscious about the person I am. Once I felt that peace wash over me I knew I wasn’t alone in my struggles. God was also there and I had my parents too. I know my mom was protective over me and she was also a caring, loving parent too. People say that too. My mom is so nice and gentle and kind. I think maybe I get those traits from her. Friends say I’m really nice and easy going too. It always feels good especially when friends say positive things about me. I love to be able to support friends too. Here I am almost thirty nine years old. I’ll be thirty nine in three days. I’m even looking forward to my birthday. I feel happy to be alive. I don’t want to hurt myself but I have really strange hallucinations that I just don’t understand at all. I think it is my injured brain more than anything else. It’s a difficult illness to have SZ.

I was so happy when Dr. Giunta my memoir teacher said she liked “Tale of three half sisters” my memoir I wrote for Advanced Memoir Workshop. I was thrilled that she liked my memoir. I didn’t really know how to write a memoir until I took her two classes both Memoir Workshops at NJCU. I have 226 pages so far but I don’t know if I can get my memoir published but I typed it myself. I have my memoir typed up. I am so proud of myself that I have a book now. I will reach out to Dr. Giunta. I am just so happy I was able to write my own memoir. I journal too. I feel very proud of myself. Dr. Giunta has written literary memoirs and memoir anthologies of her students writings. I am so impressed by her. She is really a great professor. I worked hard and I will never forget taking her memoir classes.

When I thought about getting calls on my home phone everyday around the clock asking me for the number on my license the man even changed his voice on the other end of the phone. I am trying to get my first basic driver examination . I have a disability but I am trying to pass the knowledge test so I can get a permit and start my driving this year before it’s too late. My goal is to save up to have a good SUV that has miles on it but I can drive to NAMI or NJCU or anywhere so I don’t have to ask anyone for a ride or even ask my parents. I am not going to judge myself. I’ll be 39 years old in a few days.

I try my best to enjoy my life and I appreciate the people at the program. I decided to not isolate myself because I made progress and so many of the people at the program are approachable. I friended this lady Shannon on Facebook that also goes to my adult partial care program near my residence. I think of the state of the world. I remember the two female candidates for 2020 are Marianne Williamson and Elizabeth Warren. I think Kamala Harris dropped out of the race but she seemed like a good candidate. I even thought of the apology for slavery Marianne Williamson issued. I liked her she was the first female candidate to do that in the country’s history. She had my vote but I think she may be out of the presidential race. I know Elizabeth Warren did the same thing but she also would be a good candidate. I was at program on MLK day and in one of the groups we talked about the King holiday. I feel like there may be a reason it isn’t observed everywhere. At my alma mater NJCU it is observed and we go back every year the week of the King holiday.

This is a holiday that wasn’t always observed even at schools. I think of my experience in schools that were diverse even early on as a child. I could never begin to describe struggles I’ve had in my life. I like myself. I think of my successes and I try to cheer myself up. I actually paid to take a special class offered at the community college I went to Mercer County College. They have a WordPress Complete class offered that I paid $240 of my own money just to get more savvy with it and it has four sessions so that’s not bad I just need to try to be there on time and just attend all four sessions and I may even be able to have the instructor help me if I bring my blog password and he gives me a tutorial during breaks or helps me out once we get half way through class that is two and a half hours we get a 10 to 15 minute break.

I plan to have an experience doing jury duty in February despite my mental illness. I have had many struggles in my life in school from grade school all the way up until college. I am proud of myself even just in working on my own memoir. I know sometimes I feel criticized by some people but if I tell you a secret sometimes just the way I am being embraced by the blogging community was all it took for me to connect with other bloggers especially the ones that like my blog and Mister Stuart and Miss Michelle the two special people that nominated me and a bunch of other bloggers for blogger awards.

I always got bullied in school as a child. I always liked school though. I also managed to feel good about myself despite the things other people did to me or just unfair things people did to me like bully me. By the time I was starting high school my freshman year I started to hear distant voices and all it took was an encounter with racism in my sophomore year in high school to cause my early onset of mental illness. I thank God I have NAMI the organization I volunteer with and I’m also a consumer of. I try to stay out of trouble. I have plans to finish up my course in writing for children at The Institute of Children’s Literature later this new year 2020. I have been through some tough times but I always put a smile on my face because I managed to be resilient and feel good about myself despite what people say about me. I just know deep down on the inside that God is in this fight with me. Giving up is not an option. I will keep fighting this battle with my mental illness. My life is pretty good despite my illness. I am excited about writing for children in the near future. I hope to have children’s books credited to my name and I also hope to publish a memoir. I disagree if anyone says because of the traumatic circumstances in my childhood it gives me a pass or a reason to be angry about the past. There were still very nice aspects of my childhood too. I understand now that I need to appreciate what I had and now that I’m older appreciate what I have.

When I think of how much progress I have made even positive experiences I have had in the past I’m sure that God is there in the details of my life. I know God was always the unseen hand in my life that I was not always sure of myself because honestly I had my share of doubts but in the past eight or nine years I can say I am sure of the existence of God. I had a peace wash over me eight years ago one day when I was anxious not knowing what I was going to do on that day. For the first time in my life I was sure that God was right there with me. I felt overcome with sadness that day and God was there to remind me that although I may have felt alone or like I was all by myself I wasn’t. The condition of schizophrenia is a difficult condition to have. I would hear very critical mean voices. I’d feel really sad sometimes and lonely. I got to a partial care program that I’ve been going to for a few months. I got certificates for perfect attendance October 2019 and November 2019 and also December 2019. I am looking forward to my 39th birthday on January 28, 2020 and just appreciating my life and the people God placed in my life too. I feel less alone.