Author: TheAyeshaSite

Sometimes I do reality checking. I experience so many grand delusions because of my voices. My voices get mean sometimes. I have my medicine injected once a month and that usually lasts for about a month. I find this method of having my medicine injected much better for me to manage my illness. It is so hard to silence my inner critic. My voices call me names. On good days I am able to get a few compliments and I go to an adult partial care program. I know God has been there all the time. I’m sure of it. I can’t always count on things going my way but with the nominations for my blog I am so much happier. I am just going to establish a prayer life. I had some difficult days in the past but I made peace with my illness. I was recently hospitalized for fluid in my lungs and had a short time I spent at a short term mental health facility but I’ve been home for a few weeks now.

Losing my mom is a fear I had since my childhood. I lost many of my loved ones but I have a large extended family on my mom’s side with a few supportive cousins. I had a relationship I really liked with a man who paid whenever we went out. I always remember him say to me “I’ve got the bill don’t worry about it”. I dated the guy for a little over a year. We have a photo together because he came to support me at my college graduation back in May 2015. I have been journaling a lot and working on a memoir that is basically from the onset of my mental illness through my 30s. I’ll be 39 in January 2020. My mom had a surgery in 2009 and she was in the hospital twice. I love my mom and I want her to know I appreciate her.

I decided to become a pescatarian. I followed a diet of fish and seafood for few months. I lost 40 pounds. I feel stressed out. I slept last night but the night before I found it hard to sleep. I was up all night into the next day yesterday. I fell on my face and busted above my mouth open and I hurt myself.  I have had a few falls. I fell one night coming home from school. It was so late when I got home that I could hardly see it was so dark outside. I need time to finish up my course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I am half way through the course.

I’m always on the internet. My chiropractor calls me Internet Ayesha. I had a health scare. I’m taking a medicine for my heart and I was told I had fluid in my lungs. I smoked for over twenty years. I have been smoke free for five years now after my caring psychiatrist prescribed Chantix for me. I don’t know if anyone has ever seen those Chantix commercials. The turkey and the water hose is such a funny thing about those commercials. I am never going back to my past addictions. I refuse to socialize with smokers. I want to live a long life. I even lost over forty pounds on my own. I will never smoke again. I was so scared when I was in the hospital. Now I read books, I blog, and I write in my journals. Journaling and blogging have been helpful for me to feel a part of a community of bloggers and writers. I also had a few essays and poems published in mental health peer journals that just give publication opportunities to writers who have mental illnesses. I am hoping to be able to publish my memoir in a few years. Bloggers that have mental illness have something in common with me. I have been living with a mental illness for over twenty four years. My illness is so hard. Regardless of my illness I feel so cool to be nominated by Stuart and also by Michelle. I thought wow Paris, France is where Michelle is blogging from. Here I am blogging in New Jersey.

I don’t know the reason but sometimes people have the wrong motives for things they may do. I am uncertain what motivates people to do the things they do. I feel like I have pure motives when I do things I don’t feel like I have a motivation to do things I do. I may just want to do certain things. I feel like I understand opinions differ and I am always careful to be clear about my motives.

I felt supported. I felt like I was being given helpful information. I felt like Simone White’s fall 2015 poetry workshop was awesome. I felt like it was one of the nicest experiences I’d had. I also am relishing this time of being nominated for four blogging awards. I feel like things are really going well for me. I am also working on finishing a course in how to write for children and teenagers. I am halfway through this course with The Institute of Children’s Literature. I know I am going to have my author contract signed and I plan on being able to publish my first children’s books in the next two years.

I love pink. I love to wear my hair in two French braids. I love the color pink. I recently got someone to paint my room light pink. I feel feminine. I love perfume. I love sweet smelling body wash. I have good hygiene too. Some days I force myself out of bed because I have to take care of myself daily and I do most days of the week. Certain days I chill at home. I am trying to balance work and play but I read everyday. I am always checking for books on amazon.com or in blurbs in  magazines to see what new books are out there waiting to be discovered by me to read. I also read a lot of poetry.

I read two poetry books in the fall of 2015 as an assignment I had  for the poetry workshop I took at Cave Canem. I found myself enjoying Jean Toomer’s Cane even when I know the reaction is different from people. I found myself just loving Jean’s writing but there were criticisms. I realize no author escapes criticism. Sometimes the critical voices in my head can be difficult for me to silence. I feel better about myself than I ever have in my life and I don’t want to let the feeling of liking myself the way I am go. It’s so hard to hear mean critical voices. I remind myself (people compliment me too). I have to remind myself “Esha you are nice too”. The hardest part of life for me is hearing mean cruel voices. I could not explain it without my ears hurting me and I even get anxious. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder back in 2012.

My blog is nominated for four blogger awards. I am working on my course to write for children and teenagers. I am going to submit three articles to teen magazines for publication. I am doing fine. I need to focus on the things that are going well and  see all the good in my life. I want to enjoy and appreciate my life.

I value education and school and learning and advancement. I think those things are very important. I still value education as an adult. I read books. I read about a book a month. I have been on amazon.com using my account to buy books. I will continue to read and I plan on taking a 30 minute walk to get some cardio most days of the week. I lost over 40 pounds on my own. I need to move more. I feel excited that I didn’t need to have to get help. I did it by myself I followed a pescatarian eating plan and I just eat less and I lost weight but I was hospitalized for blood clots in my lungs and my blood pressure was high. I had an appointment with a cardiologist this week.